(Closed) RSVP Nightmare

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 32
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

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scbwedsmkb :  Slow your roll.  Take a deep breath.  You are the one who mentioned having an A list.  But good news–you didn’t actually have an A list and a B list, so you’re all good.  It’s rude and hurtful to identify some of your “nearest and dearest” as second-string who only get to attend if one of your favorites can’t make it.  But that’s not what you did here.  And I can pretty much guarantee that nobody is is getting on you for sending invitations a few days apart when everyone already got a STD. (It’s still confusing why the “A list” would have a separate RSVP date, but I’m not going there.)

Post # 33
166 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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scbwedsmkb :  I don’t really have any advice but I totally get your frustration on not returned rsvp’s, we stamped and addressed the return envelopes I felt the least they could do was simply return it! I would totally send an email just to check in, i don’t think it sounds passive aggressive. Also I wanted to let you know that I have ran in to some really aggressive posters here as well! Some that are commenting on this thread. You do you girl. You just have to remember that you’re gonna get some snappy and crabby responses it is the Internet after all. I hope your wedding is beautiful and everything you wanted! 

Post # 34
166 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Also I am so over other brides saying things like “you’re just inviting them for gifts” like WHAT?  

My fiancé and I are having an untraditional wedding ceremony/reception with 110 people at the ceremony and 250 people at the recpetion and you would not believe some of the things that other bees said on this choice. 

Just do you!

Post # 36
166 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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scbwedsmkb :  it really is a mess at times! You just have to weed through the nasty/judges comments and find the ones with ACTUAL advice or words of support! ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 37
65 posts
Worker bee

It seems like you have a family like mine!

They will just show up and when there isn’t enough food they’ll be like “Hey! You didn’t plan for us?”

I suggest just getting onto facebook or texting/calling them up and asking if  they are planning on coming or not.

I know it doesn’t seem as formal, but some family is just like that.

When my mother sent out invites for her wedding only 20 people out of the 150 she invited in our family actually RSVP’s, but around 80 of them showed up. Luckily my mom was having a potluck styled wedding, so everyone just brought dishes they made at home.


Personally, i’m not sending formal invitations unless people ask for them. It’s just because Invitations cost a lot of money and if they aren’t going to RSVP back the probably just trashed the invite as soon as they got it.

We’re planning on spending a pretty penny on custom Tangled themed invitations


Post # 38
13640 posts
Honey Beekeeper

To be clear, I don’t think anyone here is calling you rude, but commenting on the practice of B lists. Believe it or not, the information was meant to be helpful, since offending people, even unintentionally, can have social consequences. 

I’m still confused by your explanation, but what I think you mean is that your B list is for people you are definitely inviting but for whom you aren’t yet sure you will invite their children or a guest.  Based on what the people in the first round do, you will decide at that time if they can bring guests or kids. Is that right?

The thing is, children and dates get invited by name and are considered full fledged guests. Holding back invitations to see what the first round does still B lists the second round. Of course, a lot of people feel that if  no one finds out, then no one will be any wiser, but personally, I would not take the chance. 

I’m sorry for the obstacles you’ve faced in getting to this day and hope things go smoothly from now on. 


Post # 39
26 posts
  • Wedding: September 2016

I totally understand your frustration!!! I truly can’t understand why people don’t RSVP unless it’s just that they’re trying to figure out something with their jobs/babysitters, but this only applies to people with kids or those who have jobs where they find out their schedule with short notice – so basically, not many of our guests. We’ve invited almost 200 people to our wedding and have only heard back from 70, and even half of our bridal party hansn’t responded (6 out of his 8 didn’t respond yet, and 3 out of my 8 didn’t – including my Maid/Matron of Honor – and even though we KNOW they’ll be there, it’s still a courtesy to send an RSVP, especially since that clues us into whether you’re bringing a guest). It’s super frustrating, we sent out our invitations at the end of May for our September wedding and our deadline is July 24th (a week and a half away). Whenever I get an invite, I RSVP right away so I don’t get why you’d wait til the last minute if there was no reason….and a lot of the responses missing are my close friends and family. Super frustrating, but apparently it’s something people do all the time and I’m just gonna have to make a lot of uncomfortable phone calls ๐Ÿ™

Post # 40
735 posts
Busy bee

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scbwedsmkb :  I’ve found that just skimming responses and not even taking the time to read the ones that even START TO be negative helps! Acknowledge the helpful ones and ignore the ones who are just being negative. There is literally no point to arguing back and forth on an Internet board site.. lol. I found that out after several arguments. And I’m not perfect I admit I’ve posted a couple smart ass comments on people’s boards but I didn’t think twice about it after the fact and I wasn’t expecting a fight. I was probably just in a mood that day :/ 

But really this site has been helpful for alot of my questions once I learned to ONLY acknowledge or even fully read those out to help you! ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 41
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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scbwedsmkb :  This “mess of message boards”?  Have you been anywhere else around the internet?  These boards are flluffy puppies compared to most boards!

To preface this, I really couldn’t give a hoot about etiquette and crap.  HOWEVER…having two lists IS rude because you are only going to invite people on the second list (“B list” if you will) if the first list RSVP’s no.  You claim everyone was going to get an invitation, so why didn’t you send them out all at once???  That makes no sense.  Plus you are hounding your relatives for RSVP’s when it *truly* isn’t due until a month before your wedding, when you need a final head count.  Like someone above said, they likely don’t realize the deadline has hit.

Personally I would be very turned off if a relative sent me an “urgent” email saying they had to get the final head count to the caterer and the wedding is still 2 months out…  People know for weddings it is most often one month.

Also…people aren’t trying to be rude, but they are giving you their honest opinions.  If something was “off” or rude, wouldn’t you want someone to tell you???

Post # 42
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

We actually had an A list and B list.  It worked out fine and even though people on the A list couldn’t make it (which we suspected ahead of time because they were out of state) we were able to invite other friends that we really wanted to come.  We also sent out invitations really early because it was a holiday wedding.  You’ll find lots of bees have done things a lot of different ways, so don’t feel slighted.

Back to the topic, yes, RSVP’s are such a mystery!  Especially when your guests need to pick an entree.  We had to text, email, call and eventually just cross some off the list and hope they didn’t randomly show up!  But it did remind me to RSVP right away in the future, because honestly, I’ve gotten “that” text before.:( ouch!

Post # 43
3046 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

I don’t think B lists are rude nor would I feel slighted if someone invited me from a B list. Every person in your life is not on the same tier or level of importance although they are all welcome. For example if a co-worker, friend of a friend or distant cousin says to me they are having an intimate wedding but found out that a few people were unable to attend and would love for me to come why would that offend me? They thought enough to invite me and I’ll either say yes or no. Not really in agreement that couples invite B list guests for gifts only either. Wedding gifts are neither life changing nor mission critical, no ones going out of the way to invite people just to get those crystal flutes or waffle maker left on the registry list lol 

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scbwedsmkb :  Do whatever works for you ๐Ÿ™‚ I’ve learned to glance over negativity around here rather than react to it. You’ll still get plenty of helpful advice minus condescension. 

Post # 44
2165 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

I think there is absolutely nothing rude about a B list, on one condition: secrecy of who is A and who is B. If I am a B lister, I don’t want to know about it.

And there are perfectly good reasons for A & B list. Sometimes the B listers are the people the couple wants more than the A listers, who may be a lot of duty invites!

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