Post # 1
Hello- I have a non-wedding related RVSP issue that I would like input from you all. Sorry this is a bit long. I have had a surprise 70th birthday party for my dad recently. I wanted to keep the guest list at around 40 people due to my budget and the size of the room. I did end up inviting my elderly aunt and uncle (actually my mom’s sister) and here is where the issue is.
I also had to invite her grown up son (over 55) and his wife so they could handle the logistics of driving my aunt and uncle there since they don’t drive much at night anymore and their health is not the best. I was not able to include any other of my cousins since this ran me over $50/guest and the room was small. I tried to include a nice mixture of family, friends, former co-workers who he worked with for 35+ years and golfs with every week. I ended up sending my cousins invite and addressing it to Mr. and Mrs (last name) only. My cousin has a 21 year old son who lives at home and another son who was married in June who does not live at home. Neither of these son’s (my father would be a great uncle to them) received an invitation, nor was their name on the invitation I sent. My cousin then RSVPed for six people, cousin, cousin’s wife, son, son’s wife, other son, other son’s wife. I then had to have a very awkward conversation with them clarifying that their invitation was only meant for two people. My aunt then calls me to tell me that it would be “eight of us or none of us and if I didn’t let them ALL come she would let my dad know what I did after the fact.”
I found this to be very rude and totally inappropriate. I am curious to know if other people think this is out-of-line and how they would have handled. Also, I am getting married in the spring and do not plan on inviting this cousin and his children since I am not close with them and I don’t want another “All of us or none of us” deal since my fiancé and I are paying for the wedding ourselves.
Post # 3
It’s inappropriate, because as the host, you dictate the guest list, not the guest. I would have told her there wasn’t space for additional people and that we’d miss them at the party. After the party, I’d probably explain it to my dad so he heard from me directly and not gossip/rumors from angry family members.
Post # 4
So they are going to let being stubborn be more important than coming to this milestone party for your dad? Childish for sure! Did you explain to her the reasoning behind it? Maybe she’ll understand a bit more if she knows the cost is a huge factor and you aren’t eliminating them for no good reason.
Post # 5
I would simply say that due to the size of the room, there is no space for additional people, if they cannot attend, then they will be missed. And I would speak to my dad after the party and tell him the situation. I have no patience for family members who do the “all or nothing” thing. I have a HUGE family (as in 20 aunts and uncles, and they all have multiple children, who then have their own children, and that’s just my dad’s side..) and there are a few family members that pull that line all the time. Usually in the end, they drop it and come to the party.
Post # 6
I would just call and say that while you wish you could have invited them, due to budget and space constraints, only the original 4 people are invited.
Don’t stress over it, they’ll understand.
Post # 7
Never tell a guest they aren’t invited because of money, they’ll offer to pay then probably stiff you. I would say “I am sorry but due to size restrains for our venue we aren’t able to accommodate any additional guests but I understand if you can not attend without your children and we will miss you. “
Post # 8
@michiru4ever: I wouldn’t normally either, but seeing as how it’s family, I would think they’d understand the issue (though if they are acting like this..who knows).
Post # 9
Ditto to what people said above. My FIs family is huge so he had to do much more cutting back than I did. We invited aunt x and uncle y to the wedding. Uncle y has been having some health issues so we assumed they wouldn’t come. (We are having a much more a causal reception in their area for the rest of his huge family so they could obviously come to that instead). When checking the hotel to see how much rooms in the block were taken up we found out that their 45 yr old daughter (who still lives with them..and doesn’t work…eh, it’s a weird relationship with the parents) had a room. She wasn’t invited bc we had to have a strict rule about having the closest (emotionally) family there. His mom calls them and aunt x says she wouldn’t be able to come if her daughter didn’t since uncle y isn’t great healthwise. Unfortunately, neither my Mother-In-Law to be not my Fiance are willing to say no.
if it was my family (as is the case in your situation ) I would put my foot down and say sorry but no. Your dad will understand and it isn’t fair that they are putting you in that position. People are so rude. If they really care about your father that much they should understand and be willing to go on their own.
Post # 10
I have that issue right now. We have 1 RSVP were waiting on and it’s a little over 2 weeks until the wedding. The invite was sent out for 2 to the grooms Aunt and Uncle. They have adult children who do not live at home. Aunt called the groom and said they may have as many as 8 showing up which includes Aunt, Uncle, their adult children and they boyfriends/girlfriends. Technically, we have the room and I don’t want to be a bitch. But how can you NOT RSVP by the date requested and 2 weeks from the date still be unsure how many are coming. It’s not a fricken BBQ.
Sorry people suck. I wish I knew what to tell you. I would hold my ground and I’m sure when you explain to your dad he will understand.
Best of luck
Post # 11
It is never appropriate to RSVP for guests who are not listed on an invitation. That said, I occassionally collect RSVPs at work for events, and when people make this request to me, I generally try to accomodate them IF they are polite about it. If I can’t, I simply explain that due to space limitations/fire regulations, I am at capacity and can’t add additional guests.
That said, if I had been in your position and planning this party (I’ll be planning a milestone b-day party for my Fiance in the spring, so I will be in the not too distance future) I would have, just like for my wedding, looked at who should be there–and since it’s a party for your Dad, that should be dictated more on who would celebrate his day with love, and not about who you personally like or want there–and designed the party around that. To use my own example, I’m not terribly fond of some of my FI’s friends or his coworkers, but I know it would be important to HIM to have them there to share his birthday, so I will find a venue and orgaize a menu that can accomodate them. You didn’t really give much information on his relationship with his family and your cousins, so that might not be applicable in your situation. But that is my take, for what it’s worth (which is probably nothing.lol)
Post # 12
@michiru4ever: Totally agree with you.
Just make sure to explain to your father after the party why they didn’t attend so he doesn’t here it from a third party.
Post # 13
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
abbie017 nailed it on the head. Both your aunt and cousin are WAY out of line here. You put your foot down and said no, right? Ditto on “I am sorry but due to size restrains for our venue we aren’t able to accommodate any additional guests but I understand if you can not attend without your children and we will miss you.”
Unfortunately, they may try to pull this again with your wedding, so put your foot down NOW!
Post # 14
Thanks everyone, I totally appreciate the responses!
@SeaSalt, I totally see what you are seeing and agree with you. To give you some background, this is my mom’s sister so it would be my dad’s sister in law who is causing the issues. The children of my cousin that they invited would be his grandnephews and I wasn’t able to invite any of his other regular nieces or nephews beyond my one cousin and we aren’t that close with them. This cousin of mine didn’t attend any of my milestone events growing up, nor did he ever ackowledge any with even a card. When he skipped my college graduation he gave me an excuse along the lines of “our weekends are precious” and when I explained to my aunt that I was not able to incude any of the cousins (who we are closer with) she said “I don’t care about any of them”.
Post # 15
@LondonLover: It is a appropriate, but I think less so if she doesn’t know the reason why you didn’t invite all of them.