Post # 1
My Fiance is very close with his Grandfather who has a LARGE family (he has 10 sibilings). We go to ginormous thanksgiving potlucks each year, etc. There are so many people that we don’t know half of their names let alone feel close enough to invite them all. We’ve kept the wedding under 100 guests. Well, his grandfather and step grandmother RSVP’d for a themselves and a sibiling (who was not invited). We’ve had a couple no’s come in and figured it was just easier to go with it than stir the pot. It they’re family who wants to be there, then okay. Well, I got a text last night from Step-grandma about how the people they RSVP’d for said they hadn’t received an invite yet and it might have got lost, can you send a new one. UGH. The reason they didn’t get one is because they weren’t invited! Part of me just wants to send it to avoid drama, but the other part is afraid this set a precedent and they’ll start telling all this family that they’re invited when they’re not. I dont want 20 extra RSVP’s! What do I do?
I’m leaning towards, “We would be happy to send them an invite. The reason they never received an invite is because they were not originally invited. I know we told you before that we were not able to invite the whole family due to our size restrictions, however we have had a couple of ‘no’s’ and are more than happy to accomodate them at the wedding. It means a lot that they want to be there. In order to avoid situations like this in the future, can you please be careful and check with us about the guestlist before having these discussions with the rest of the family? Thanks.”
Advice please! Thank you.
Post # 2
As good as it would feel to say “acutally… they didnt get an invite because they WEREN’T INVITED” … I would just send the invite and not say anything. If you can afford to accomodate them that is.
Post # 3
My husband’s family pulled this crap and we let it slide and honestly I wish we hadn’t. The relatives who pushed thier way onto the guests list were so unpleasant. When we did table visits to thank them for coming they didn’t even speak to us they just ignored us, it was so fucking awkward.
It’s up to you of course but my guess is that they know they weren’t invited. Why RSVP for someone if you think they are getting their own invite? I would at the very least call them out in thier rudeness.
Post # 4
I’d call and clear things up in as kind and gentle of a way as possible. It’s highly likely she thinks the whole group was invited and not just the 2 she put on the invite. I’d clear it up, lest you get 10 more text messages about Cousin Bob and Great-Aunt Susan not knowing why they and their 12 kids hadn’t received an invite yet.
A personal example: I didn’t invite my aunts and uncles to our wedding since we aren’t close and they hadn’t been a part of my life since I was a young child. I made an exception for my one uncle who, at the time invites went out, was essentially my dad’s caretaker. My dad died a few weeks before our wedding, and my uncle decided he could just replace my dad’s invite with his grandchildren at our adult only wedding. Didn’t rsvp, sent a text to my now DH 2 days before the wedding. I text him back to clarify that he was planning to bring two children I’d never met before, and he never responded. Those rugrats tried to cut into our cake before the reception started and on several occassions, acted out during major moments. Had I just called to clarify, we could have helped them get some child care and saved ourselves the hassle (and all the last minute children’s meals fees our venues tagged on).
Post # 5
Yeah I wouldn’t okay this unless you can and wish to okay the rest of the siblings. It’s going to get awkward. Correction: more awkward.
Post # 6
Honestly, for this particular situation I think your wording is totally appropriate. If it was just one guest (say, maybe one couple had one adult child they added), I think I’d just send the invitation. But it sounds like there’s a really huge possibility they think the entire extended family is invited. Good luck!
Post # 7
Id tell step Grammy that if she wants them there so badly to forfeit her invite. What a rude woman. Don’t give in, you’ll set a precedent for life that you’ll just take her shit.
Post # 8
This is what I’ve sent.
“We’d be happy to send an invite. The reason they didn’t receive an invite was because we had not originally invited them. We’ve had a couple no’s and are able to accommodate them now and are happy to have them there. Due to size restrictions we weren’t able to invite the whole famil, so moving forward it would be a big help if you guys could be careful discussing the wedding with everyone. We’d hate to hurt feelings or leave you in an uncomfortable position.”
I okayed this with the Fiance as well since its his side of the family. Fingers crossed. I will follow up with a phone call as well.I’ll report back! Haha.
Post # 9
I’m dealing with this now. My aunt (who was essentially like my dad’s sister because they’re closer in age and grew up under the same roof) received an invitation for her and her only. She RSVP’d for herself and her daughter and granddaughter, neither of whom I have ever met. My parents have never even met the granddaughter and they haven’t seen the daughter in 15+ years. We’re paying by the plate for our reception, so we’re really not sure what to do. I think we might just let this one slide since she is family and grew up with my dad, but if it happens again, we might have to turn people down.
We’re not exactly having a “small” wedding – invited 250 people (even though we know that many won’t show up). But we only invited that many because we had so many “well we can’t invite X without inviting Y” situations with family members. And even inviting that many people, we’ve already gotten the whole “well we haven’t gotten our invitation yet” from several people. You just can’t win. Someone is going to get left out, whether intentionally or unintentionally. But if you have a budget, you have to be able to stick to it. I think you can stretch that budget (with reason) to accommodate certain people, but you can’t spend way over just so every single person who thinks they deserved an invitation can come. At a point, I think you just have to not worry about it. I know that sounds terrible, but if you try to accommodate every single person, you’re going to spend way more than your budget allows.
Didn’t mean to hop on my soapbox! Sorry, I just have strong opinions about this right now since it’s what I’m dealing with at the moment. Lol
Post # 10
That was an excellent response! Hopefully all goes smoothly and they won’t be inviting any others.
Post # 11
I can’t really gauge if this is a good or bad response, but I at least think my point was clear. I’ll follow up with a phone call after work to try and ease any follow out. Ugh. Weddings are stressful!
Post # 12
i think you did well, and she took it well. clearly, it sounds like it was her husband who shot his mouth off, and she was left to clean up the mess. also sounds like he’ll get a stern talking to.
Post # 13
I can’t lie, I kind of laughed out loud at “I blame Grandpa.”
OP, you handled this really well! On one hand, it’s kind of flattering that so many people want to come. On the other, guests lists and budgets are there for a reason!
Post # 14
It sounds like you got this sorted out, but your Fiance really should be the one dealing with HIS family – why did he leave you to deal with that shit??? We had a hard and fast rule that I dealt with my family/friends and he dealt with his.
Post # 15
she texted me directly about sending the invite so I figured I could be the one to respond. I feel like him texting her back would have made it more awkward than me just being direct with her. Believe me, we’re having bigger issues with his actual grandmother that he is taking care of. I wouldn’t touch that stuff with a 10ft pole. Haha.