Post # 1
I don’t understand how such a wonderful man can have such a toxic family. We’ve been happy with our lives and things are going as planned with our relationship. We both got our educations and great jobs. We bought a house and will be married this May. Everything is going great except when it comes to my soon-to-be in laws.
My Future Mother-In-Law is a very insecure person. And my Future Sister-In-Law is a very jealous and toxic person in general. Between the two of them, Easter Sunday was just a headache and maybe I’m coming on here to just vent but I’m wondering what the fellow Bee’s would do in this position and if you would say something or just let it go.
Future Sister-In-Law: She verbally attacked me and FBIL’s girlfriend (let’s call her H) because she overheard us talking about waiting until we were married for children. We both put our educations first because we feel stability is important before bringing children into the world. To most of the world that sounds like a good plan, to Future Sister-In-Law it was a personal attack on her because she got pregnant at 18, lives off welfare, and never got an education. We tried to explain that it wasn’t anything personal, it’s just how we want to live our lives. Future Sister-In-Law then made comments about how at least she was thin and hot and is planning to wear a tube top and mini skirt to my and FI’s marriage celebration. She then turned to H and said, “oh hey, I have a pair of shorts you might like. I wore them at the end of my pregnancy so they should fit you.”
I mean seriously bitch? Who the F says something like that to someone?
Future Mother-In-Law: She had a hayday with attacking our sizes as well. I’m a size 10 and H is a size 14. We’re not stick thin, but we’re happy and comfortable in our skin. We both have worked our asses off for our education and careers and our men have supported us 100%. Well Future Mother-In-Law accused us both of being “too comfortable” in our relationships and letting ourselves go. She said we needed to work harder on losing weight and not eating so much. Future Mother-In-Law then looked at my engagement ring and H’s promise ring and said our rings were too “gaudy” and since we were with while shopping, they aren’t meaningful. She then went on and on about her small ring from the pawn shop is better and more special than our rings because she had no say in it. Congrats for her, but IMO the size of a ring doesn’t make it any more or less special than anyone elses, it’s just personal preference. The relationship is what matters.
A whole lot of other drama went down yesterday and last night I just had the hardest time sleeping. I want to let it go so badly, but at the same time I don’t want to condone that type of behavior from people in my life. I don’t agree with attacking someone over their body or life decisions. Fiance knows how insulted I feel and he told his mother that she was out of line. He tried to defend me last night, but his mother just talks over and tunes everyone else out. She blamed her behavior on feeling stressed and having too much beer, but I don’t think that’s an excuse for trying to tear people down. I’m not expecting an apology from her ever, but I would just like to see her awknowledge the fact she overstepped her boundaries and insulted both me and H. I really want to tell them in person that both her and FSIL’s behavior last night was unacceptable. I’m just at a loss right now wondering if it’s even worth it or not to bring it up, it just feels like nights like this happen everytime we all get together and I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s hard just to sit back and smile while someone is berating you…
Post # 2
it’s great that he defended you – but as soon as she didn’t apologize for calling you fat and complacent, and that your ring sucks to boot, you should both have left.
‘mom, that was way out of line and really rude, you need to apologize’
‘but i just meant …..’
‘happy easter, we’re going to go now’.
-that’s how i’d roll next time. she gets told how rude she is, allowed an opportunity to apologize. if she doesn’t take it? see ya!
Post # 3
They are obviously jealous of your relationship and opportunities. I would ignore them as much as possible.
Post # 4
I agree with jily, they are jealous of your relationship and opportunities.
They made their decisions in life and you’ve made yours. All because theirs did not turn out doesn’t mean they need to attack you. I think they sound very immature and bitchy and if I were you I would distance myself as much as possible.
Post # 5
It was rather insensitive of you and H to be discussing your education and the importance of stability before having children, where Future Sister-In-Law could overhear you. It’s no surprise that she took those comments as a thinly veiled personal attack on her life.
She was clearly rude to respond with attacks on your bodies.
As for Future Mother-In-Law, your opening comment about her was that she is very insecure. What made you expect anything different yesterday, just because it was Easter? She is never going to acknowledge that she said or did anyhting inappropriate.
I suggest you memorize a few choice lines so that you have something to respond with when she next attacks. By not calling her on it when it occurs, you are giving her tacit permission to continue to behave that way.
Post # 6
Jealousy and insecurity…sad. It’s good that your Fiance is in your corner. Just limit your contact with them as much as possible and try to stick to small talk whenever you do have to see them.
Post # 7
Sorry to say I haven’t found confronting insecure people with their inappropriate behavior to be a winning approach. They aren’t usually looking for ways to stop insulting others 🙂 in fact, that is the goal and so you’ll just be reinforcing the bad behavior.
You need to just smile and leave when they start in, though I agree with Julies that if you were talking about education etc in front of Future Sister-In-Law, that was just as rude as her crude response. She’s obviously not subtle, so she went for the jugular, which is totally crappy but expected from someone who is insecure and has nothing else to lord over you right now.
Post # 8
Before that argument continues to grow I need to make it clear that H and I DID NOT talk about our education and stability in front of Future Sister-In-Law, she simply overheard us talking about wanting children but waiting until we were married for them. She then jumped on us by screaming, “so you’re saying I’m a horrible person?!” Education/careers/stability were never mentioned in front of Future Sister-In-Law.
Post # 9
It is good that he defended you. Not much more you can do now, but in the future leave as soon as things get too rude. And make sure he continues to defend you.
Post # 10
If this were me, Future Mother-In-Law would have a LOT of making up to do for those comments. Her beer drinking and her stress are no excuse. I’d have also picked myself up and left, but not before asking her why she would say something that hurtful and inappropriate.
On the other hand, I can understand why Future Sister-In-Law was upset to overhear the conversation. Not that I disagree. You did the right thing by apologizing to her and to say it was about you not her, but I’d go further to say you understand how it must have made her feel. Next time I’d be more sensitive, careful and aware.
Post # 11
Like I said, insensitive to discuss it where you could be overheard. You were in her home, chances are she might be around.
I am not defending her behavior.
Post # 12
Was there any other family present besides your Future Mother-In-Law and FSIL? I guess what I’m wondering is if there are other family members who observe their rude behavior, and if they are sick of it or if everyone just ignores them and lets them get away with it. I agree with peonyinlove that if they continue acting like this in the next few weeks before the wedding or after, that you and your fiancé should clearly respond that the behavior is hurtful and inappropriate and then remove yourselves from the situation. If good behavior can never be expected from them, it might be time for your fiancé to consider the type of relationship he wants with his mother and sister in the future and what he expects you to endure from them.
Post # 13
Future Sister-In-Law sounds very insecure and jealous of the opportunities you and the girlfriend have created for yourself. I’m guessing that whilst you weren’t saying about education etc, she’s very aware that she’s not done much and lashed out in a very rude way.
Whilst I’m with you on waiting until marriage etc (no judgement just my choice), her having a child at 18 doesnt in any way justify her not getting an education and/or a job. I’ve known a number of people have babies between 16-18, been single parents and have worked/gone to school. IMO, she’s probably aware of this and hearing people having opportunities reinforces the fact that she’s not done much With her time.
Post # 14
I agree. There needs to be some decision-making about what you are expected to deal with if these people refuse to stop their inappropriate and hurtful behavior. Family or not, no one should have to suck it up and deal with being insulted and mistreated.
Post # 15
I’ve had some difficulties with my future in-laws as well. My experience has been to let Fiance take care of it. If I felt insulted I would expect Fiance to call them and let them know that their behaviour was unacceptable and if it continues that we will not be coming around for family events and holidays. I’ve always felt its his job to deal with his family and my job to deal with mine in situations like this. If I were you I’d avoid saying anything to them and let him be the one to tell them their comments were inappropriate and insulting and that he will not tolerate them speaking to his future wife like that.