Post # 1
I know the hive always provides objective feedback so please let me know what you think.
My wedding was two months ago and I invited some close coworkers and my bosses. I’m baffled by one of my coworker’s actions. We are very close (or so I thought). This coworker of mine is always telling me about her personal problems and confines in me for advice. (She is recently divorced and is a single parent.) I invited her to my shower and she was a no-show. My Maid/Matron of Honor asked everyone multiple times to confirm and when the coworker didn’t show up, my Maid/Matron of Honor had to pay for her no-show portion (it was a pre-set brunch menu).
This coworker is known to be flaky so I conforonted her about the bridal shower. I didn’t want her to flake out on the wedding so really, I was trying to give her an out. The coworker told me she completely forgot and had thought it was another weekend. Even after she said that, I let her know on multiple occassions that I would honestly not be offended if she did not want to come to the wedding for whatever reason but that I really just needed to know the headcount. She adamantly told me she wouldn’t miss it for the world and that she had been looking forward to it all month. She also said that she would be bring a guest. I had 5 other coworkers attending the wedding so it wasn’t as if she would be alone. We were only going to invite her but she had already invited her guest so I left it alone.
On the day of the wedding, my husband and I stood about 10 feet from the entrance and sign in table to greet guests after they signed in. We saw her (and her guest) enter but she did not acknowledge us at all. She walked right past us and was so fast that we didnt even get to call her name before the next guest came in. Every other guest, however, either stopped for a picture or at least to say hello. I did not see her for the rest of the night. I thought nothing of it and off we went on our honeymoon.
When we returned, we sifted through all our gifts, cataloging everything to make sure we thanked each guest properly. There were a couple of gifts with no names and this coworker was one of the people I didn’t have a gift listed. So I asked another coworker to casually ask the other coworker what she got us. It turns out she did not get us a gift at all. I want to make it very clear that I am NOT starving for a gift from her and I did not invite her to get a gift out of her. But I am left a little baffled. I thought it was rude that she replied yes to the shower and did not bother to turn up (though her excuse could potentially be a valid one). I also thought it was extremly rude of her to show up at my wedding w/o a gift especially when she brought a guest that we did not plan to invite!
I am upset by the principle of it. I have not confronted this coworker nor do I plan to since that would be tacky. But I have to admit that, after 2 months, I still think she was incredibly rude and inconsiderate. It is also a little hurtful because it makes me think that perhaps we were not as good of friends as I thought we were. But I guess its better I know now before I start pouring my heart out to her again. Clearly, I cannot go and confront her but if I am in the right, what do I do? I feel like my only course of action is to just pretend nothing happened.
So beehive, please tell me what you think. Do I have a right to be mad or am I blowing things out of proportion??????
Post # 3
It sounds like your coworker is flaky and weird at best, rude and inconsiderate at worst. Honestly, I would try to let it go, and realize that maybe your coworker is too wrapped up in her own problems to function as a member of polite society. I wouldn’t write her off completely, but given her rude and puzzling behavior, I would consider the friendship to be downgraded in a way.
Because you work with this woman, I wouldn’t make an issue of it.
Post # 4
I think you have a valid reason to be upset. Mainly because, as you said, you thought you two were close. I personally would never dream of going to a wedding without a gift. On her end of it, maybe she couldn’t afford a gift and that’s why she breezed by you so you wouldn’t notice. On the other hand, maybe she’s just a very flaky, strange person.
I also think it was inconsiderate of her to assume she could bring a guest. Unless it’s someone’s husband, fiance, or siginificant boyfriend, then you shouldn’t assume you can bring a guest. Especially when the bride and groom are going to have to pay for that person and their plus one. That sort of thing adds up quickly and I don’t think people realize it.
I don’t think I would confront her about it either. What’s done is done. If she ever brings it up fine, but I think the best thing is to get one last rant out on here and move on. It sucks when people who you thought were your friends, really aren’t as good on friends as you thought. Well, on a final note congrats on the wedding mrs. newlywed!!! 🙂
Post # 5
I agree with lulubelle. Yes, your coworker behaved poorly. The worst, in my opinion, is bringing an uninvited guest, but the rest of it is also weird and/or impolite. But there’s nothing you can do. It wouldn’t do any good to confront her about it, and as the whole thing is over now all you can do is learn a lesson about her for the next time you host a party or something. I understand how you feel about not being as good friends as you thought–this can definitely hurt and you’re not wrong to be upset. But, for your own benefit try not to take it personally. Your coworker obviously is really flaky and inconsiderate, and it’s not about you. If you allow this resentment to fester you will only end up suffering, so try to let it go.
Post # 6
From what you’ve said about her, either she is just being flaky and hasn’t thought twice about what she’s done or she may have something going on in her life that you’re not aware of that her behavior may be stemming from. I don’t know her so I’m speaking from my experience, but I think sometimes people find it hard to be happy for you because of what their situation in their life may be at the moment and for her you said she is recently divorced and a single parent. I wouldn’t write her off either, but just see how she is doing in life in generally and if you feel comfortable later on ask her what happened at the wedding or just say that you wish you could have spent more time with her there. But like you said, now you may know if she is truly as good a friend as you thought. Good luck!
Post # 7
Man, I would be mad too. You seem most mad because she’s been thankless. You invite her to these parties, pay for her meal in her absence at the shower, pay for an extra meal for her guest even though you hadn’t intended to at the receptionâ€”â€”â€”and she has not come through at any opportunity to thank you (by giving a gift, or even by greeting you and thanking you at your wedding and presumably introducing her guest).
Her behavior isn’t enviable; it’s even a little rude, and I might question how dedicated she is to your friendship. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t say anything to her. She seems clueless and ungrateful and to say something would only make your work environment uncomfortable and might destroy your relationship with her entirely. Be glad that you’re the one who knows how to reciprocate the nice gestures of friendship and let karma take care of the rest.
Post # 8
I would be upset too. You have to realize though people are weird.
I wouldn’t want a friend like that, and would be cordial to her at work. I would slowly phase her out.
i feel for you!
Post # 9
Something I learned only just recently — according to tradition, guests have up to 1 year to give a wedding gift. I don’t think that’s the case here and most people wouldn’t wait that long anyways but just thought I would add that bit of information as a FYI.
Seems like she has enough difficulty just living her life and may be clueless to her inconsideration. As for not facing you at the wedding, she may have felt like she would be a downer on your happy day like someone mentioned above. I wouldn’t count her out a friendly but I wouldn’t depend on her for support either. Then again, if you can’t depend on her, she wouldn’t make a very good friend anyways.
Post # 10
It’s interesting that in your description of her, you say that you thought you were close because she tells you all about her personal problems and comes to you for advice. It sounds to me like she’s perhaps just pretty self-centered. Some people will talk to anybody who will listen, as long as they get to talk about themselves – it doesn’t make you their friends. And her behavior – "forgetting" the shower, not even talking to you at the wedding, not bothering to send a present – also sounds pretty selfish. My assumption would be that in fact you’re not really her friend – just a convenient person at work for her to talk at. It’s pretty harsh, but it’s a good life lesson, because there are more than few people like that out there.
Post # 11
I know a woman like that, and it is one reason she isn’t being invited to my wedding. I tried and tried to make excuses for her, tried to live up to her expectations…but in the end it just wasn’t worth it. The effort put in did not equal the outcome. I would just realize that this may be a lopsided friendship, and perhaps it’s better if your cut your losses and downgrade the friendship. No sense in continually being frustrated and hurt over someone else’s bad manners. At least I couldn’t take the pain it was causing me. But maybe this is just a wedding-related thing. I guess everyone deserves a second chance (and now you see how I continue in these destructive friendships).
Post # 12
I agree with what is being said here. You have every right to be upset, but it is not worth confronting her about it. I would phase her out of your life. Since you have to work with her, I wouldn’t be rude. But I wouldn’t go out of my way to talk to her either. Also, since you said she confides in you, the next time she tries, politely excuse yourself saying you have work to do. Do it enough and she will get the hint.
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2007 - Hyatt Lodge, Oak Brook IL
Again, just repeating what the wise hive says, you totally have a right to be upset!! But nothing can be done now besides knowing that this person is not really a friend.
Something similar happened to me at my wedding last year… I invited a notoriously flaky college friend to my shower and wedding. She flaked out to the shower last minute, but it didn’t surprise me.
Then I had to chase her down for her RSVP, and she said they would absolutely be there, and gave me their meal choices. So I didn’t expect on my wedding day, to see her and her fiancee’s escort cards still sitting on the table at 10pm. And then, they had the nerve to waltz in at 11pm (empty handed as well)!!! Apparently they had some "gigs" that they had to do (uhm, she told me later she was being a sushi model, where she lies on a table half nude covered in sushi. uhmmm ok). Ironically, the night before the wedding, I literally had a dream where she and her fiancee didn’t show up! And in my dream I called her up and b*tched her out!! I thought it was totally fitting, and I guess that just shows how flaky this person is.
Anyways, there you have it. People can be super rude. You just have to suck it up =T But you are not alone!!
Post # 14
Although I totally understand why you are upset, I see the other side too (there is one, promise!)
Someone that I am very close to, lets call her… Mom, loves everyone she works with, considers them friends, would love to attend their weddings/showers, usually says yes… and then doesn’t show?
Why does she do this rude thing? She is terrified of social gatherings. Let me try to explain. She fully intends to go. She gets an outfit, invites a friend… then the morning of "gets sick" or is "really too tired from work" or "they won’t miss me, it’s okay" and if she does show up, she ends up doing the same thing your co-worker does. She missed her best friends wedding because she couldn’t find the place, so she just drove home, trust me, it’s not that she doesn’t love you! The weirdest part? That could have been the most fun she’d had in months, even though she came off weird and anti-social.
I know this is gonna sound like a cop-out but this is all true. And she seems totally normal other times! If it’s any consolation it’s very frustrating for the family too. I am terrified about what is going to happen with her at MY wedding.
As for the gift, "times is tough…" maybe she was short on money?
Point of it all, did you have a good time? Were the rest of your guests lovely? Is she a good friend the other 99% of the time? Is there really anything she could do to fix her bad behavior now? She probably really likes you, she is just socially challenged. And remember that quote "be kinder than nessesary, you never know what challenges people are dealing with."
Post # 15
Some people just don’t give gifts. Unfortunately. I have a friend who has never given a gift to any other of our friends, weddings, babies, nothing. And a few family members came to our wedding without giving a gift. You kind of have to expect it sometimes….Has she spoken to you since the wedding?
Post # 16
suzanno…I agree with you 100%