(Closed) Rude or not?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 47
Member
906 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I, too, think this is extremely rude. When a couple is in a committed relationship, regardless of legal status, you invite BOTH of them. If you can’t afford both you invite neither. It’s not that difficult. While the fantasy of inviting just one of them to your own wedding is tantalizing it will only make you look bad. Just leave them off the guest list entirely.

I’d have a long, serious talk with your SO about him going. I know my Fiance would be so offended in this situation he’d decline (we lived together for years before we were engaged, so it could have happened). It shows not just a lack of respect for you, but for him as well.

You could start asking around to mutual friends if only one of half of other couples was invited. It’s an innocent enough question and exposes the rude behavior of this couple to their friends.

Post # 48
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@somethingaquamarine:  +1 I agree with everything you said.

I would also not invite them to my wedding, which I know is a little extreme but I am a grudge holder.

Post # 49
Member
15039 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Has your SO mentioned it to them?  Would you invite everyone in the circle except them?  What if what you think is true and they don’t approve of the relationship and are not your biggest fan?  Are you and your SO willing to accept losing them all as friends… cause that really looks like the only road this is going down based on what you’ve said.

Post # 50
Member
4766 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@pinkshoes:  This is completly irrelevent. If I wasn’t with my Fiance I also wouldn’t have attened the 2 past weddings I’ve  been to duh! But I am so I did.  If OP’s Fiance is such a close friend to them that he made the cut of their very intimate wedding I would only find it logical that they would want to be friends with OP as well.

 

View original reply
@Lillianna:  Good luck with dealing with your Fiance.  You deserve to win this battel that they are not invited to your wedding.  For me that is the logical step, they obviosly don’t care less about you guys as a couple so why on earth would you have them there at your wedding?  Other parites sure, but not at the wedding.

Post # 51
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

They won’t be invited to my wedding because I don’t see why I should invite people I dislike just so they can spoil my special day by making me feel uncomfortable.

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@Lillianna:  If you dislike them why do you care if you are invited to their wedding anyway? I think this is a win-win.

 

Post # 52
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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@Kit_Kath: you hit it spot on.  I TOTALLY agree. It isn’t about being childish or playing revengeful petty games, it’s  about having your feelings hurt and most people like the OP doesn’t want people who (allegedly)intentionally hurt her feelings at their wedding.

I would probably want to be the bigger person and invite both of them too, just to show that I don’t want to stoop to their level. To me, seeing that she invited other couples in your situation, I feel like there is a bigger issue like maybe she is insecure or jealous of you. Who knows. All I know is that it is poor etiquette to invite your SO who you live with, and not you.

Post # 53
Member
3232 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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@Lillianna:  I understand why you’re upset, but you’re coming off pretty childish in your posts, especially your latest one. Do you have reason to believe they’d make you feel uncomfortable on your wedding day? Why? Have they made you feel uncomfortable when you have all been together in the past? If you don’t want them there than that is up to you, but to forbid your SO from having them over at your (both of yours) home, being friends with them, and having them at his (as much as yours) wedding is just spiteful. 

 

This oversight of proper etiquette, to me, is not reason enough to ALLOW them to ruin your wedding for you by you choosing to elope. That is not them ruining your wedding. That is you ruining your own wedding because of holding silly grudges.

 

My real problem, if I were you, would be with my SO going without me. How can he possibly have fun hanging out, dancing, etc. at a wedding without his girlfriend…or are you actually engaged, since you’re talking about your wedding? If you’re engaged than I feel as if this is a bigger issue.

Post # 54
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You did say they were having a small wedding.  As someone who is also having a small wedding, there are hard choices that have to be made.  Our cutoffs are no kids and no extended family.  They may have made a cutoff of married couples only get 2 seats, everyone else is just solo.  Unless you’ve got unlimited funds and seats, you’re going to have to make some tough decisions too when you’re sending out your invitations.  So don’t judge too quickly.  Now if you find out that other unmarried pairs have been invited, that changes things.  However, you said yourself that you never see them unless you’re with your SO.  You have friendly conversation when you see them, but you don’t actively seek their company.  Personally, I’d put you at the level of ‘friendly acquaintance’.  With small weddings, people tend to only invite people that are close friends and family.  I mean, that’s kind of the point of having a small wedding, or at least it is for us.  We don’t want ‘friendly acquaintances’ there, we just want those nearest and dearest to us.  (And yes, we’re doing +1s for the unmarrieds, and that means we’re not able to invite certain people who will probably be offended, but we’re just not as close).

Post # 55
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Lillianna:  While it is reasonable to feel annoyed, I agree with the PPs who say this was probably not an intentional snub, but an effort to stay on top of a guest list within a certain budget.  

I am in almost the same situation as this bride.  We have a very set budget, and our venue will allow no more than 80 people, no exceptions.  On top of accomodating four very large families, and trying to invite some friends and other loved ones, Fiance and I quickly agreed to an “engaged or married” rule for plus ones.

The line has to be drawn somewhere, and one of my guests is a close friend from grammar school.  She has been dating her boyfriend for 7 years, live together, and are most definitely an established couple.  I know her boyfriend pretty well, and have hung out with them together many times over the years; however, he is not invited to the wedding and has been very gracious and understanding about it.  To invite my ten closest girlfriends, we had to cut family, and there certainly wasn’t room for ten more dates or boyfriends.

OP, I would try to understand that every bride, wedding, budget, and guest list is different and not take it personally.  Be happy for your SO that he was included, and decide later on within the confines of your own wedding limits and budget whether or not this couple should recieve an invite, but do not be spiteful if you can help it.

Post # 56
Member
3625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@Lillianna:  I absolutely agree with you here that you would be better off inviting a couple that respect you and your SO. Just because they are “his” friends is not a good reason IMO. How does that bode well for your marriage and for you two to become a “we” and a team? I do not believe in her list and his list; I think that couples should come together and it is an “our” list. I would never dream of inviting someone that DH didn’t like and vice versa. In the end, I come first and my feelings come first, whether they’re rational or not. That’s what I respected about my SO during the planning process; he defended ME and stood up for ME against his family when they wanted to force issues and initiatives that I wasn’t comfortable with and vice versa. We always agreed before committing to anything, whether it is a particular guests or a dish on the menu. This is just the beginning of your marriage and I would think it’s important that he understands your feelings and supports you when it clearly is affecting you so significantly.

Post # 57
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Yes, it’s extremely rude, as long as you’ve ruled out: 1) that it was a simple oversight? 2) or they were in a hurry addressing envelopes and couldn’t remember your name -and assumed you’d know you were invited?

People who are livng together are considered a social unit and both should be invited. If people are staging a wedding where the budget is so tight that they have to parse it down to inviting only half of a well-established couple, they need to get their priorities straight.

You first need to establish whether it was an oversight or a mistake, and your SO can be the one that asks that question.

Regardless of the reason, your thoughts of retaliation are over-the-top. “Banning” is kind of an extreme word, but you can certainly decide not to invite them if you so don’t want to do so.

But it might be worthwhile to try to get to the bottom of this, just so you know exactly what the situation is, rather than making any assumptions. Not inviting you to the celebration party either seems very odd and makes me think, like others have said, that these people have some issue with you in particular.

Good luck with sorting it all out!

 

Post # 58
Member
4766 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@hotpinkbride:  I don’t think OP disliked them before she was not invited to their wedding.  But that whole thing where they invited her Fiance and not her made her dislike them.

Post # 59
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Looks like there are lots of varying opinions on this….

I personally think that in general, if you are inviting a friend to your wedding, you invite their SO as well. End of story. 

I am even inviting some friends to my wedding who I know do not have SO’s but giving them a +plus 1 just so they don’t have to attend alone. Because really, that’s the whole point. Who wants to go to a wedding by themselves?

I also think that there are exceptions to every rule, however. For example, I have a group of friends that I know all know each other. I know them well, but not REALLY well, but I still want them to attend my wedding. So I decided I will invite them all as a group, sit them at the same table and they will not be allowed to bring their SO’s. In this case I think it’s okay, because they all know each other and will keep one another company, AND, I’ve already told them in advance (and apologized) that I would love for them to come but they won’t be allowed to bring spouses. And all of them understood 100%. 

In your situation OP, I think you have the right to be offended and pissed off. 

 

Post # 60
Member
1176 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@Lillianna:  Based on this info that they are inviting other unmarried couples, yeah, I do think it’s rude.

Post # 61
Member
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Aw OP *hugs* . I think this is really rude of them to do this to you.

Someone close to me is going through the exact same thing at the moment, and I understand how hurt you must be feeling.

You are a couple. You’re a team. People should accept you as one. The fact they’ve invited your SO and not you is really uncouthe and uncalled for. I think that your SO should contact them and say ” Hey, I noticed that Lilliana’s name isn’t on the invite?” and if they say you’re not invited that your SO should stand up for what is right and not attend the wedding.

Don’t invite them to your wedding. All the bees saying that it isn’t nice for you to not invite them to your wedding- WTH?! They’ve been nasty OP, and like you said; why would you want people who have caused you pain, and shunned you celebrating your special day and eating food that you pay an exorbitant amount for?

Also, it is really horrible to invite one member of a couple and not the other. 

Don’t invite them. And tell your SO to do what is right. He should be standing up for you hun! “Take us as a couple, or enjoy your wedding without us!”

Hope this gets resolved soon OP. Good luck!

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