(Closed) Rude or not?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 62
Member
982 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Is it rude? Maybe. But I don’t think it’s necessarily a referendum on your relationship. And your reaction is childish. You’d really rather elope than have your FIs friends there? Take the high road and let your Fiance invite his friends to his wedding. They’ll probably feel stupid anyway.

Post # 63
Member
679 posts
Busy bee

@Lillianna:  Deja Vu for me here. Same situation happened to me. You are not overreacting. It’s rude on their part, and if they invited other unmarried/unengaged couples in the social circle you are all in then they did it on purpose to be asses. Given that you’ve been together for 3 yrs and are living together, they should have invited you. Your SO should ask about it. What’s going to happen otherwise when you all hang out again in the future? You will undoubtedly see these people again if your SO is friends with them. I’d be the same way as you. If they can’t respect your existance as his official +1 then don’t welcome them into your lives when you make it official either. 

Post # 64
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

View original reply
@lilbluebird:  I completely agree. As a bride-to-be, I have extended invitations to all my close friends’ significant others, whether they are married, engaged, co-habitating, or simply in a relationship. Different people have different definitions of what constitutes a serious relationship; just because someone is not engaged to her/his partner or doesn’t live with him/her for whatever reason, doesn’t mean their relationship isn’t serious enough for them to see themselves as a social unit. 

Neither of us has ever been invited to a wedding without the other also being invited.

Also, everyone, I don’t think the OP is actually saying that she will only invite one member of the couple – what she’s saying is she wonders how they would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. By inviting her significant other and not her, they have in some way delegitimized the relationship: they’ve told her he is important to them but she is not, and her relationship to her SO does not matter enough to the inviting couple for them to extend her an invitation. If one of the soon-to-be-married couple were invited and the other not, they would undoubtedly feel slighted because they see themselves as a unit. 

All that said, they have the right to invite whomever they please; you also have that right and are under no obligation to invite someone who has caused you pain. If my fiance were invited to a wedding and I weren’t, I’m confident that he wouldn’t go; his loyalty to me is stronger than his loyalty to his friends. He wouldn’t be my fiance if that weren’t the case.

Post # 65
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You should also consider that they may be viewing the dinner party like any other wedding related event (showers, engagement parties) where it is rude to invite anyone who is not invited to the wedding itself.

View original reply
@Lillianna:  

Post # 66
Member
3051 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

While yea, right now you are probably overreacting…I would feel the exact same way. I would be hurt, upset, & angry and honestly, really unhappy with my SO for going without me & seeing no problem with it. ESP SINCE THEY INVITED OTHER NON-MARRIED COUPLES.

I also would be unlikely to invite them to my wedding because yep, I hold a grudge. I will usually attempt to talk it out (possibly by asking my SO to talk to them & find out why I wasn’t invited) but if the talking it out doesn’t work, I don’t feel the need to “be the bigger person”…eff that. Plus I have NEVER understood the whole “I know you didn’t invite me to your wedding but I’m still going to invite you to mine when we have the exact same relationship we did 2 years ago when you got married” but I guess that’s just me.

Post # 67
Member
2496 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@Sea_Ashley:  I definitely wouldn’t invite this couple to my wedding either. I don’t think that’s extreme at all!

View original reply
@lbear:  So well put. I agree with everything you’ve said.

Post # 68
Member
738 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Lillianna:  the same exact thing happened to me. I thought it was very rude at the time too. My Fiance attended the ceremony but not the reception. Fiance has since talked to them and they had an explanation (to long to get into here) but I was still pissed. They are both invited to my wedding bc he wants them there. Marriage is about comprimise…

Post # 69
Member
2775 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Limiting the guest list to married and engaged couples is within the bounds of etiquette, IF such a cut-off is applied consistently.  If other unmarried, un-engaged couples are invited together while you are excluded, I see why you’re upset and I would be, too.  

Post # 70
Member
463 posts
Helper bee

Glad I’m not the only one who thinks this is completely rude. However, I do also think you’re overreacting somewhat.

I’m likely to be in a similar situation – we recently got a save the date for my friend’s wedding addressed only to me. I live with my SO, we’ve been together since high school, and every time I’ve gotten together with my friend and her now-FI, my SO has been there too. Rude as heck.

Still, if it turns out that my SO isn’t invited, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I went anyway (not that I intend to). We wouldn’t try to retaliate, or ban them from our social circle. Yes, it’s rude, but to me their wedding is just another event – I don’t much care whether my SO or I attend or not.

Your wedding, though, is a whole different story. I’m right there with you on not wanting people at my wedding who have so little regard for my relationship that they’d invite me without my SO.

So, my advice is this:

1) Don’t make a fuss about your SO going to their wedding. You won’t miss much – it sounds like these people are setting themselves up for a rude and crappy event.

2) Don’t complain to your SO about how terrible they are and how you never want to see them again. Don’t let anyone know they got under your skin.

3) Don’t invite them to your wedding. Your SO needs to respect your wishes for who you want there. Hopefully if you’re calm about it and he doesn’t feel like you’re just trying to get back at them or something, he’ll take your objection more seriously.

Post # 71
Member
1966 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
@Nona99:  this!

Yes its a little rude but you can be the bigger person. For the record the only plus ones at our wedding are married or engaged. The only exception is fi’s sister, her & her bf have been together for 5years & have kids together. 

Post # 72
Member
9773 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Has your Fiance asked them about it? I would be royally pissed off too, and even more so if my DH actually went without me. It’s super rude if they’ve invited other non-married couples IMO.

Post # 73
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

That is very very rude! I’d be so upset and I’d insist my SO did NOT attend without me.

Post # 74
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I just want to add that i’m with you, it’s pretty rude. I am having an itty-bitty wedding of 30, and we invited 2 SOs of people (who we have never met) just becaue they have been dating 2+ years / live together. 

Post # 75
Member
2755 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
@loveerin:  Er, the part in my comment in italics was a direct quote from the OP. So, yes, she did suggest doing that.

Post # 76
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

View original reply
@ArtDecoDC:  +1.

The topic ‘Rude or not?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors