(Closed) Rude people – geez

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 17
Member
7564 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

One and three aren’t rude. Nothing wrong with someone wanting to come to your ceremony and in a lot of communities it’s totally normal to want to witness the vows while understanding there isn’t an invitation to the reception forthcoming, and absolutely nothing wrong with someone who is making the exact same large purchase as you did, to want to know some details of your purchase.  You may want to go have a nice spa day and relax a bit; these aren’t the last things coming your way that might irk you needlessly. Learn to let it just bounce off.

Post # 18
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@MsYankee:  I think I am in the minority here.  I think #1 and #3 are rude (for me, it is completely tacky to ask someone how much they paid), but I actually don’t think that #2 is rude.  Since I have been an adult and lived on my own, I have always assumed that a plus 1 is a must regardless of whether I am single, married, living with someone etc.  I think where I am from, that is the norm and the “proper” etiquette.  So I think if I were your friend, I also would have assumed that my invite would be addressed with a plus one and would have been offended had it not been!

Post # 19
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MsYankee:  #2 is rude, and I guess I dont know the family dynamics, but if it is his aunt and she would like to at least witness his marriage, I don’t think that is rude.  Again, I dont know the situation, but for my wedding we did invite the estranged uncle, aunt, and kids not because my Fiance likes them (family tension), but because we had a religious wedding ceremony and felt it was important to extend the invite to the family without being exclusive. They declined, which wasn’t a surprise, but at least we extended the offer. Perhaps it’s a little nice that she expresses interest and care in your joy. 

Post # 20
Member
784 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@SarahTee:  Oh my gosh!  I find it super rude when people use their plus ones to invite people they they thought should have been invited to the wedding.  I mean, if they weren’t invited it was probably for a reason, and if you really don’t need a plus one, why not let the host decide who else they would like to come?  Plus, then it makes the host look rude to the guest who is clearly invited as a B-list plus one.

Post # 21
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@Polygon:  Exactly! Like, if Fiance wanted these guys here, they would have been on the invite list to begin with. I wish we could give everybody a plus one, but we had to cut it off at people who are in long term relationships and people who would otherwise be alone. This is 6 guys we are talking about! They can do plenty of damage to the open bar all on their own. Still, super awkward for me, who feels bad enough as it is not giving everybody a plus one. Granted, these guys are 22-23 so chances are this is the first non-family wedding they are going to, and they likely don’t understand the whole process, but even at 16 Fiance would know not to ask awkward questions like that. 

Post # 22
Member
13722 posts
Honey Beekeeper

# 3 is indeed crass. The appropriate thing to do is to ask for a recommendation and then solicit the information from the vendor for yourself.  Unless you say you are looking for a photographer within a budget, and the friend volunteers that information, asking anyone but an intimate friend or immediate family member is, IMO, rude.  

#2 is definitely rude.  No one is entitled to a +1 except for people who are married, engaged or living together.

#1 may or may not technically be rude.  Some ceremonies are open to the public and the community and the aunt may have been asking how he would feel about her coming under the circumstances.  IMO she  should have picked another way and time to make amends and build  bridges.  It is rude on the part of the host  to invite someone to the ceremony and not the reception.

Post # 24
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MsYankee:  To be honest, I never realized how important invites/rsvp’s/plus ones were for weddings, until I came to the Weddingbee. Last time I got married, it wasn’t even a thing that I worried about (then again that was over a decade ago). I still cringe at the few weddings I ‘crashed’! 🙂

This time, we’re inviting people we want to attend, not random relatives/family friends who haven’t seen either of us since we were toddlers.

As for the photog, you did the right thing. I would have just given her the photog’s website or phone number so she could make direct contact.

Post # 25
Member
13722 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
@MsYankee:  Fiance  is an adult and by all rights can make decisions about a relationship with his aunt on his own.  That may or may not have consequences, but the aunt has actually done nothing wrong by reaching out to him independently.  Now that he is grown, her feud with Future Father-In-Law does not necessarily have to involve Fiance.   Of course,  FI can tell her he’s not comfortable with a relationship with her.  And the aunt probably should  have reached out at a different way, place, and time in any case. 

Post # 26
Member
4037 posts
Honey bee

@MsYankee:  We have one uncle from each side (B & G) who is not invited, along with their spouse. My uninvited aunt, reached out to me a month ago, via Facebook. She’s not F/B friends with her other 4 nieces/nephews, nor did she even ask my sister. How tranaparent can you get, while fishing for an invitation? (BTW, it was the 1st time in the 15 years my family has had the interenet, that she tried to contact any of us – we don’t even know her e-mail address). The venue, for both ceremony and reception, is completely private, so it’s not happening.

 

2. No plus one necessary, unless your attendance is lower than expected.

 

3. Don’t quote prices, because each photographer and their pricing/packages are different. We combined a few choices, did add-ons, got a free bonus, pre-paid for prints (at a discount), etc, so our price can/would be different than the price for another couple.   

 

Post # 27
Member
963 posts
Busy bee

While I don’t think  it’s necessarily rude, I can understand being uncomfortable sharing the cost of the photographer. I probably would feel the same. I don’t think the friend meant to be rude, but was just inquiring. But the problem, at least in my case, is that we paid for a lot of extras – albums, digital files, etc. So our cost jumped really high. We got a discount on the services for buying albums, so I’m not too sure what our base package cost. I’d have to look at the receipt. I would feel uncomfortable saying our full cost though. 

But I don’t think she was trying to be rude. She was just wondering. Stating the price on the brochure was the right approach, I think.

Post # 28
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Uuughh I feel you, especially on number 1! I was blown away when my parents received a Christmas card from some friends of theirs out and out saying they really want to be invited to the wedding. These are people who live across the country, that they see MAYBE once every 5 years or so, and that I haven’t seen since I was 9. I couldn’t pick them out of a lineup and they are asking to be invited to my wedding. Who on earth does that??

Fortunately my parents are being firm and say we shouldn’t invite them. There are people we are excluding from the guest list who are way closer to us than they are, and I wouldn’t blame them if they were insulted when they found out they were excluded and these people were invited.

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