Post # 31
Member
9326 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
i would be telling them to mind their own business unless they will be providing financial support. i have 2 ivf children and after my first was born, i don’t take rudeness or crap from people and tell them what they say is hurtful or none of their business.
my husband is an only child, he is much more social and outgoing than i am, he also has what feels like a million friends from childhood that he is still friends with in his 40’s.
Post # 32
Hostess
2251 posts
Buzzing bee
I don’t understand the misconception that only children are spoiled etc. I am an only child, did I want siblings when i was a child? Yes. I think every only child goes through that phase and you know what? I’m glad I don’t have siblings, I’m absolutely okay with being an only child and I think there’s a BIG suggestion in this that says no one wants to be an only child.
I agree with everyone, just be blunt next time and they will stfu.
Post # 33
Member
7884 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
People have something to say no matter what your family looks like. I have 3 kids- all girls. Soooooo many people have told me how we really ought to have a boy, and isn’t my husband sad he never got a son. My kids have a bigger age gap than many siblings. People like to comment on that too. What most don’t know is we lost a baby in between the last 2 kids and then it took almost a year after the miscarriage to get pregnant. People are nosy and they suck.
Post # 34
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
Since PP have shared their experiences with/as an only child, I’ll chime in with my experience with a sibling. Despite my mother’s best efforts, my brother and I were both asocial, hyper competitive, and mostly hated each other growing up. We get along fine as adults now that we both understand each others’ personalities, but our presence in each others’ lives clearly wasn’t a “cure” for our asociality.
There is so much more to personality and sociality beyond having a sibling. And having a child for the sake of another is never a good idea in my opinion.
I agree with PP about bluntly rebuffing people’s comments. Some will never realize they are being rude, but some will at least have the sense not to bring it up again.
Post # 35
Member
939 posts
Busy bee
Thank you all so much for your kind responses and sharing your experiences if you are an only child. I am feeling a lot better today! I do think my daughter will be fine either way and I guess ill have to just be honest with the rude people! Letting them know that my husband is a cancer survivor and we were lucky to have one kid! Im assuming most people wouldnt ask anymore questions after that. I think I will able to transfer our last embryo and be a little more relaxed! I am gratful for a chance to have another child and very gratful to have one child! I really appreciated everyones comments. I am so glad I started this post!! Thanks bees! I k ew i could on this community to cheer me up!!!
Post # 36
Member
939 posts
Busy bee
I also meant to add…i cannot even believe some people get rude comments about having too many kids like 3 or 4! Thats not even that many and it i isnt anyones business!! I do hope that most people dont mean anything by their comments but maybe being a little more honest that their comments are hurtful might not only help me but stop them from saying it to someone else!!
Post # 37
Member
631 posts
Busy bee
candy08 : the people I know who had the really rough struggles with infertility had great success shutting down comments with concise honesty. Comment: “Oh, you have one….are you going to try for another soon?”. Most effective answer I’ve seen so far (irl) in shutting this down: “I’m so happy to have my (son/daughter) after all we’ve been through. But we’ve had a lot of struggles with infertility. It’s been really emotional and painful and I don’t like to talk about it.”. I’ve never seen it not work. If they then try to swap stories about so ansd so who struggled and this or that worked for them…. The follow up. “It’s a rough journey with a lot of different paths and different outcomes. It’s not something I want to talk about right now. I’m just going to try to enjoy my day. How have you been doing?”
You don’t ever have to answer about more or no more, try or not try. Not their business. But, I find the above approach to be the best way to shut down the questions and communicate to them that it is WAY too sensitive an issue to be quizzing you about without getting upset or leaving things rocky as if an argument has happened.
Post # 38
Member
939 posts
Busy bee
UPDATE: So I had a big work meeting this week out of town. I knew I was going to get asked about when so we plan to have a second baby. So when asked I responded “I am not sure…we just feel so blessed to have been able to have a baby after my husband was diagnosed with cancer shortly after we got married”. That pretty much ended the conversation or people would agree and say it is wonderful my husband is doing well and we had a baby. No one pushed me to talk about it anymore and Ihighly doubt anyone I said that to will ask me again. Thanks bees for all your advice!! I came home to my daughter and husband after my long trip and I was so happy to see them! I do feel blessed to have my family and I do feel we will all be ok if we have 2 kids or just the one. Im sure ill be a nervous wreck when we do our last transfer but thats not now so just going to relax and not stress until that time comes. Thanks again for all your kind words!! It really helped me when I was down!
Post # 39
Member
1120 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: August 2019 - City, State
candy08 : But that is 100% not anyone’s business! I’m so sorry you’re going through this, bee.
Post # 41
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
Good for you! Your family will do great no matter what happens.
I am an only child. My parents were in their 40s when I was conceived. I was the last attempt in a long line of miscarriages and one stillbirth. They felt lucky to have one child and told people so. I had no cousins or extended family, but I did a lot of activities with other kids and had close friendships. I don’t think it socially harmed me at all. I know I got many opportunities that I enjoyed, like music lessons and camp and having a bunch of pets, that wouldn’t have been financially possible with another child in the family. Whatever life your family has will just feel normal to your daughter.
My SO has a brother close in age and they do not speak at all. They are completely estranged for what I consider to be a very good reason. It makes every family event horribly awkward. My SO will have no help from his brother when his parents are elderly and need care. My son doesn’t even know he has an uncle. And you know what? People are horribly rude about their expectations about brotherhood and blood relations and family, and how awful they think it is that they aren’t in touch. So you just can’t win. Let them pour themselves a big glass of haterade and go about your business!
Post # 42
Member
7128 posts
Busy Beekeeper
candy08 : Good for you for giving an answer that would cut the conversation off. I’ve come to the point of fighting rudeness with rudeness. I always envisioned I’d have two kids, it’s what my family looked like growing up and just what I assumed I wanted. BUT, I also assumed I’d be having kids in my early-mid 20’s, not my 30’s. After trying for a year (and not preventing for almost 3 years before that) my first pregnancy was ectopic and my second a chemical. Now we have a WILD 2 year old and my husband travels a lot for work, often internationally. The reality is parenting is HARD, and I’m leaning towards not having any more. I don’t want to be in my late 30’s trying to have another baby, and it pisses me off when people use the “but that’s not that old” card. Biologically is it old? No, but that doesn’t mean I need to do it just because science says my body can.
Having siblings is no promise they will be close. My brother is 3 years older than me and we’re not that close. We’re not estranged or anything, but we just live different lives and live 3.5 hrs from each other. My sister and I are close, but I”m 14 years older than her so our relationship is different than a typical sibling relationship. Likewise, I grew up extreamly close with both sides of cousins and now as adults we literally never see or talk to each other.
Post # 43
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
Our plan is to only have one. A lot of people do say “ohhh that will change” and “wow, really?” but you just have to tune that stuff out. We’ve always only wanted one and do not feel the need to justify it. This is your life.
I also agree with PP, that having a sibling doesn’t guarantee they will be close. My brother and I are estranged and we haven’t spoken in years.
Post # 44
Member
631 posts
Busy bee
candy08 : Brutal honesty shuts them up every time! And you know, it reveals that, at heart, these people had no ill intent with their questions. They meant well and had no idea that it was invasive of a sensitive issue. But then the judgment about siblings v none…. I’m glad you found the solution that works for you to shut that down. Your answer was golden. I would have no regrets or second thoughts about saying exactly what you said. It’s not snappy, keeps things friendly, and yet is ever so effective.
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