Post # 1
My am close with my auntie (my dads sister), basically she stayed with my parents for school when I was about 7 for a year. I went to stay with her in my teens to work, and 2 years ago I stayed with her for 4 weeks to help with some house stuff and her kids (her husband is lazy…and their farmers). But my issue……Our wedding is in September and this is the beginning of harvest for them. I sent her a message the other day just to let her know…and this is it:
Me: Hey, just to give you some heads up. In case mom or dad didnt tell you, our date is sept 22!!
Auntie:I know, will be a lovely time of year for a wedding in the rockies but we won’t make it unless it rains. boo hooooo!
I was very hurt by her response. Im the first niece on my dads side to get married and my family has always done alot to help her. She didnt come to either of my sisters grads or mine, and blames it on their farming for everything. Its maybe a 4 hr drive for her and her family. Would any of you be upset by this? I have friends driving 10 hrs or more to come. So this is the part I need help with too. After things she doesnt come to (like our grads and shes my younger sisters godmother) we get a “oh sorry”. But for some reason this really upset me. I dont know what im going to say because I dont think she realises how this effects the family. She always wants us to come see her, or look after her kids and help her out. Or should I not worry about it? Help Bees!!
Post # 3
I wouldn’t take it personally, farming is very hard. I have a very close fiend that ranches and they can only go on vacation, or even for the day, if they have someone to cover everything. Right now they only have one person they would trust to do that. And they just took their first vacation in over 10 years because they have that person. I’m sorry she won’t be able to come, but nothing in her response seems rude, IMO, but I don’t know her like you do. She seems sad to miss it and she is letting you know in advance. Sorry! I hope it works out for her to be able to come!
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House
Either way it sucks because she’s either not coming… or calling you the day before saying “hey its raining – i’m coming!” – throwing off your numbers and rsvp count.
Would you consider asking her if just she could come, and her husband stay and harvest? Or could you ask them if they could just take a weekend off, just one weekend?
I have a few family members that farm and it is very hard, but they always were able to take a day or 2 off.
Post # 5
They do hire help, and I understand its a tough lifestyle, but this is a once in my life thing! I think it bugs me so much because she wants everyone to make an effort for her, but she cant make it for one day. Cause if it was in the spring, there would be an excuss, if it was in the summer, same thing! Her husband depends on her to do alot, and my alot I mean everything. Its just hard not to get worked up over stuff like this you know? and I know im going to get a “sorry” call before or after the wedding. But maybe by september it wont bug me!
Post # 6
AW, that’s no fun. I do agree with PPs, farming is a lifestyle, not just a job, and it’s sucky but that does cancel out a lot of family plans. We’re dealing with calving and the timing of our wedding, but those that can find someone else to cover will come, but I just have to understand for those that can’t. Accountants would be frazzled or unable to attend an early/mid April wedding, farming just has a few more ‘crazy weeks’ that happen to be spaced out at inconvenient times :-/
I hope by the time your wedding comes around it stings a bit less, but I definitely understand the bummed/hurt feeling that comes with ‘No’ RSVPs, even when they have a legitimate reason.
Post # 7
It sounds like the lopsidedness of the relationship is bothering you more than this one particular email? If you think you’re putting more into the relationship than she is, you can always back off a bit.
Post # 8
I don’t think that her response was rude, I actually think that she was trying to express herself crying or at least very sad over it. I agree with the others, coming from a farming family, she cannot leave during harvest, it is a short and crucial time. Especially with the husband being lazy, maybe it is her that really runs it (I have seen that before). Cut her some slack and find another way of including her in the pre-activities. I am sorry, not having someone close to you will not be able to make it totally sucks.
Post # 9
The boo hoo really didn’t help!
I have a friend that runs a tiny cafe that can’t open without her, and she’s taking the whole weekend off for our wedding! It’s possible to make the sacrifices, and it would be great if your aunty realised that maybe this is one of those times that she REALLY needs to just deal with it and take a few days off!
I’d be really upset if my aunty didn’t come (also farmers funnily enough) and we’re not even that close… I don’t think you’re over reacting at all!
Hope it all works out 🙂
Post # 10
I don’t think the “boohoo” was meant in a condescending or snarky manner – it sounds as though she genuinely is upset that she won’t be able to make it. I’m not a farmer, but Darling Husband spent a year living and working on his aunt’s farm in the UK so I am well aware of how difficult it is for farmers to get away for a day or two.
I don’t mean this to sound snarky, but when you planned your wedding for September, you knew it was going to be harvest time and the likelihood of them not being able to attend was high. I’m not saying you should plan your wedding around other people’s schedules, but if her attendance is so important to you, I would have thought you would have consulted her before setting your date to make sure it is on a date where she will have a greater likelihood of being able to attend.
Post # 11
@miss.alice.m: I think the differences between a cafe closing for a weekend and a farm being without its owners/primary operators during harvest time are completely different issues. The cafe will not wilt and possibly be ruined if no one tends to it for a weekend as crops will/may do. The coffee does not need to be milked/fed/let out for grazing every day as any livestock requires. This isn’t just a matter of being a workaholic and refusing to take a few days off work – famers don’t get that luxury. When you make a choice to become a farmer, you are making a choice to have your entire life dictated by planting/growing/harvesting season and/or livestock.
ETA: I’m sorry, I realise how that may have come across and I don’t mean to belittle your response or the sacrifice your friend is making to attend your wedding, I’m just saying that it’s not quite the same situation as ‘closing’ a farm for a weekend.
Post # 12
@Ree723: I definitly considered them. But for me and my Fiance, for our work, sept was the only time we could both take off. As well, sept worked best for my parents and his. If I had it in spring, then would be seeding, in summer, they would be doing the misc work. The only time they ever have time is in the dead of winter! But I guess all I can do is see what happens. If she really wants to be there, she’ll make the effort.
@tksjewelry: And I would love to do that! But that would only be possible if I drove 15 hrs to see her. We’re having the wedding in another province so its closer for everyone.
Post # 13
@Ashley_B: Maybe you could arrange for her to skype or google+ to your wedding. I know others have done this and I thought it was a great ides, wish I had thought of it.
Post # 14
I understand your feelings, but farming is their source of income. Hiring someone to fill in for them is loss of income. I admire farmers and ranchers and all the time they put in to providing food for our table. It takes enormous financial planning skill to live on a crop’s profit duing the time no other income is coming in. I’m sure your aunt would love to be with you in person, but as a pp suggested, maybe skype or some other option could be put in place should they can’t make it.
Post # 15
I would try to let it go and not worry about it. I know if a person is invited it is someone you want there and sharing in your day, but not everyone can come although it sounds like she would like to. You’ll get other RSVP no’s with other reasons (both good and not so good) as to why people can’t come. You just have to be happy to have the people who can be there, there for you on your day.
P.S. For example, my Aunt and god mother did not come to my wedding. To paraphrase the note she put on the response card they were thinking about coming but decided to take a vacation at that time instead (exclaimation point!)