(Closed) Rude STD, what to do?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I do think it’s a little weird you were attached to your father’s STD, especially if they have your new address. But its entirely possible that excluding your Fiance was a complete oversight. I was guilty of forgetting my brother’s girlfriend’s name on the actual wedding invitation!! I felt SO terrible. I didn’t even realize it either. I’m sure the girlfriend felt extremely upset that I didn’t invite her, and I was so glad when my mom asked me why I didn’t because I was mortified! I contacted the girlfriend and apologized, of course she’s invited with my brother, I just… made a huge embarassing mistake. 

So.. I don’t think it could hurt to ask and clarify politely, even if you’re not planning to attend. She doesn’t know that yet.

Post # 4
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I insisted that adults invited to our wedding should get their own invitation whether they still live at home or not and this was met with resistance at every step from my future inlaws, so I am fairly certain that they might have had me send invitations to their parents’ addresses because they couldnt bother to get their actual address. Of course some of the grown children didn’t bother to send their own response and instead had their parents write them in. By the way, that doesn’t help with trying to figure out the family tree when a mother and son are written together. I find it insulting that they would lump an adult in with their parents. I mean you should be able to accept or decline your own invitation.

Post # 5
Member
7753 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I wouldn’t worry. It’s just the STD, not the formal invite. The families obviously aren’t close: the uncle didn’t even know the address of your father (his own brother), so the cousin is even more removed. And just because the uncle knew your address, doesn’t mean he passed it onto his son, let alone to the bride (who probably did the STDs). So don’t let it worry you. Just send your invite as normal.

Post # 6
Member
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

this is seriously one of my biggest pet peeves! im 27 and this still happens to me. ive lived on my own for 5 years and havent lived with my mom in almost 20 years and i still get attached to my moms invitations. ive never said anything except to my mom and sisters, but i sure would like to.

Post # 7
Member
632 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t see what the big the big deal is in having people who do live under the roof being listed on the same STD / invite but I appreciate you have moved so you should have received a separate one. 

 

I also think it’s a bit off your partner hasn’t been invited so I would just call your cousin and ask for clarification on the position

Post # 8
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee

My cousin is getting married in two months, and her Maid/Matron of Honor, our other cousin, misspelled the groom’s name on the invitation.  So my aunt called up my mom and asked if we could all be put on the same invitation…that’s :

mom/step dad

me/SO (soon to be engaged) 

Sister and my Brother

And we all live in different parts of the country, plus I live in another country! I get your pain.  It’s rude and lazy! 

Post # 9
Member
2605 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Having been through the addressing ringamarole, cut the couple some slack. The chain went from the couple to your uncle to your dad back to uncle back to couple–there’s like a million ways that things could go off-track (someone didn’t pass on an email; someone didn’t check their email; it went into SPAM; someone got the email, but didn’t pass on the info , etc. etc.) And at the risk of being sexist, let’s be honest here: a bunch of these links were men and last I checked, most men are not up on their etiquette rules the way blushing brides tend to be. When I asked my step-MIL for addresses, you wouldn’t believe how many of them were wrong–and in embarrassing ways (as in, “Um, John and I divorced in 2004. I’m now married to Steve and my last name is Miller, not Smith”–yikes!).

 

If you know you are going to decline the wedding, then I agree that it’s probably not worth bringing up. Since you are getting married yourself, the easiest thing is to just send out your STDs/invites and everything will become clear to them. IF they’re not invited to your wedding, then I don’t think it’s rude to send an email out that says something polite but informative: “Dear cousin, Thanks so much for the save-the-date–I heard from my Dad that it arrived a few weeks ago. I just wanted to let you know that I no longer live with him and have my own place, so in the future, you can reach me at: YOUR NAME & FI’S NAME; ADDRESS; PHONE, etc. Fiance and I are SO happy to hear about your upcoming nuptials–congratulations” or something like that. I’ve gotten such emails from friends when I’ve mistakenly sent things to old addresses and I’ve never personally been offended by the correction–I’d rather have it than not!

 

 

Post # 10
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee

I wouldn’t really have gotten that bothered by the save-the-date. Maybe missing your FI’s name was an oversight? Or maybe they aren’t inviting +1’s. Either way you said you weren’t going to go to the wedding so I would just forget about it.

Post # 11
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

There is no polite way to intentionally FIX THIS…

But there is a subtle way to let the Bride & Groom know the correct info they need… (should they indeed want to send you and your Fiance an Invite)

Send them either a nice Note / Letter or Card that CONGRATULATES them on their upcoming Wedding

On the outside of the Envelope, put YOUR OWN ADDRESS (either by writing it in the standard Return Address spot, or by attaching an Address Label)

On the inside in the Note / Letter / Card tell them how thrilled you were to hear their good news when you were recently “visiting” your Dad.  You can also mention how thrilling it is to plan a Wedding as you are also in the midst of doing the same.  Be genuinely happy in your wishes for them.  And sign the Note or Card with both your name and that of your Fiance.

Be sure and send it to the correct address for THE BRIDE (as we always assume that it is the woman in the Relationship who is charge of Wedding Details)… as has already happened you can’t always rely on men to get the right info into the right hands (witness your Dad conveying in to Cousin’s Dad… and then it was supposed to go onto your Cousin… and then finally onto whoever was compiling the list of Names & Addresses for the Save The Dates)

— — —

Anyhow as a point of Etiquette…

This is one of those occasions when the good “old fashioned” Rules and Intricacies of Etiquette could help you out without offending anyone… when having a Social Calling Card would come in handy (Social Calling Cards are kind of like Business Cards, but they are meant for one’s personal life, not professional life). 

IF you had a Social Calling Card you then could slip it inside the Note / Letter / Card, as it would be another polite way to inform the receiver of your details.  A Ladies Social Card typically is printed with her name centered (with or without title of Miss, Ms, or Mrs), and her address can appear in the bottom left hand corner.

A married couple’s Social Calling Card would have their joint names centred (ie Mr & Mrs Paul Jones… or Susan and Paul Jones) with their address in the bottom left hand corner.

Co-habitating / Common-Law Couples Social Calling Card would have BOTH their names centred one below the other, ladies first, and usually without title Susan Smith, Paul Jones) and then with their address in the bottom left hand corner.

You can learn more about Social Calling Cards by taking a look at this Website = http://www.bartleby.com/95/10.html

You can have them professionally printed up if you like… or do them yourself on your computer & printer using a standard business class blank card that you can purchase at a Stationery / Business Supply Store (like Staples)

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 13
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you’re not going to go anyways, no sense it stirring up drama over it.

 

Post # 14
Member
3303 posts
Sugar bee

@MrsWBS:  I agree. Since you aren’t going, no need to start up something behind it. However, I like the idea of sending a congratulations card and attaching your own address label with your FI’s name on it. If they are smart, they will take notice.

Post # 15
Member
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Didn’t read PPs, but I’m 28 and still live at home, so I get invited w/ my parents and don’t get a separate invite and that has never bothered me before.  Also, this is just the STD stage – perhaps they were just trying to save money by sending one STD instead of 2? 

I would first wait until an invite was sent before you made any decision at all. It’s just a STD.  My friend didn’t even send Save-The-Date Cards to everyone on her invite list and I’ve heard it’s common to not send them to everyone you’re sending an invite to.  So, relax.. and wait for the invite to come.

Even if the invite comes and it’s the same situation, be the bigger person and do the right thing.  Show them what SHOULD have been done instead of retaliating by doing what they did.  Since you’re not planning to go anyway, no harm, no foul, right?  And since they’re probably not coming to yours, there’s no harm in inviting them. 

And, tell your Fiance not to be insulted and to be the mature person in the situation.  Everyone handles their invites differently and you can’t fault them for doing something that’s different than how your FI’s family handles their stuff.  Wait until the invite before this situation is revisited, if at all. 

Post # 16
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If you are pretty sure you’re not going to go and not very close to this person, I’d let it slide.

This sentence here is the kicker for me “And I’m also pretty sure my dad told his dad about my upcoming wedding when he called about the address.” If you didn’t even tell him that you are getting married and not even sure if he knows I don’t think you should feel too bad if he didn’t give you an individual save the date.

Just my opinion.

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