Rude to decline being FSIL BM?

posted 2 weeks ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
509 posts
Busy bee

How close are you to her?

I put myself in her shoes and thought about it.  I would be hurt that someone would choose to skip one-time events that are important to me only because they are tired of doing those things, but I would understand the reasoning and that it isn’t slighting me.  I think, for your future relationship, you are better off accepting the honor and doing these things that are obviously important enough for her to ask you to stand up in her wedding.

What you could do is tell her that you’ve had your fill of being in weddings, and while you would be in hers, she should take the opportunity to ask someone else she might have otherwise asked that hasn’t had the chance to be in a wedding party, if there is such a person.  If you give her the impression that you would do it for her but it wouldn’t be particularly meaningful to you, it could solve the problem with a minimum of issues.

Post # 3
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

No, I don’t think it’s rude. Just be honest and tell her how you’re feeling. You can have a conversation about it and get a sense of if it’s really important to her for you to be in the wedding, and then you can decide from there how to move forward. I think just being open communicating honestly is the best way to go.

Post # 4
Member
741 posts
Busy bee

Has she asked you?  Do you know that she’s going to?  

To answer your question, I don’t think declining is rude, it’s all just in the delivery.  I’m not sure I’d say that I just don’t feel like it, or, I’ve been in enough weddings already (!) making her feel like hers is just one of a bunch and a source of annoyance.  

But, I do think you can say that you are super excited for her and can’t wait for the big day, but that you are planning on really focusing on “x” over the coming year (family, work, studies, whatever) and don’t think you’ll be give her the attention she deserves and would rather leave that spot open for someone who’ll be able to be all in.  She may rather you decline than be checked out? 

Post # 5
Member
13931 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I would first discuss her expectations. Being a bridesmaid does not properly come with a lot of over the top or burdensome obligations. If you can afford the dress, in consultation with the bride for budget, and are planning to attend the wedding as a guest anyway, there is IMO really no good reason to decline, and every reason to accept. This is a relationship that you will hopefully have for the rest of your life, most likely a lot longer than some of those other weddings. Hosting and attending showers, bachelorettes etc. is always supposed to be voluntary and optional. The only real responsibility is to stand up in support of the couple. 

All this assumes the wedding is not for some time. I wouldn’t attend any large, indoor, traditional wedding or attend any events right now, even as a guest. 

Post # 6
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee

It is not rude at all. BUT you have to consider that she might see it as rude and it could potentially harm your relationship. I was asked to be in my future in laws wedding after only dating for 1 year. By the time of the wedding it was 2.5 years but I still WANTED to say no. Same reasons. I’m 7 years older than her. Didn’t know her very well at the time, had just been in 5 other weddings in the past 2 years, and a million other things. I was also concerned that I had only been dating my bf for a year and didn’t want to potentially mess up the wedding party if we broke up. 

I ended up saying yes because even though I knew it would be a pain/annoying it was better for everyone to say yes. 

Post # 7
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I would accept being in the wedding and just opt out of any elaborate bachelorette parties that I wasn’t interested in attending.

Post # 8
Member
7271 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

She might feel that it’s rude or a rejection but her feelings are her responsibility, not yours. If she’s already asked you, I think you can simply thank her for asking but say that you would prefer to attend as a guest. If there are any types of support you are willing to provide or ways that you could foster the relationship separate from this Bridesmaid or Best Man activity, let her know those things.

I would not agree to a commitment you already know you don’t want to make.

Post # 9
Member
3828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

You don’t need a “good reason” to decline. We see nightmare stories all the time (not saying your Future Sister-In-Law would be one of those stories) and everyone always says if you knew you didn’t want to be in the wedding then you should have just declined when asked. Now when someone asks about just declining because they know they don’t want to participate, suddenly it’s “suck it up, it’s important to the bride”.

You are not obligated and shouldn’t feel pressured into being a bridesmaid if you don’t want to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to just be sick of doing it. It’s not about your Future Sister-In-Law or any reflection on how you feel about her or your relationship with her. She should be able to gracefully accept that while you’re happy she’s getting married, you don’t want to accept that role. If she can’t, she’s got some growing up to do.  It’s fine if she’s disappointed, but it shouldn’t negatively effect your relationship with her. 

If/when she asks, let her know you truly appreciate her consideration for having you in the bridal party, but you’ll have to decline. Not being a bridesmaid doesn’t mean you can’t still help out or share in her joy. Full disclosure, I skipped having bridesmaids in my wedding because I don’t find the role to be important or necessary,  so you know, all my words with a grain of salt and all. 

Post # 10
Member
381 posts
Helper bee

Tell your fiance outlining your reasoning and let the message get to your Future Sister-In-Law that way. It will save an awkward conversation in case she does ask you. 

Post # 11
Member
418 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@MiniMeow:  Yes! It’s like you’re damned if you do or damned if you don’t. If you don’t live up to whatever expectations the bride has for her bridesmaids then you’re a terrible bridesmaid/friend, but if you decline to be a bridesmaid you’re also a terrible friend. 

I really wish people would quit tiptoeing around brides’ feelings and treating them like they’re somehow more special and important than everyone else. Other people’s feelings and wants are equally important and you shouldn’t have to feel pressured into being a bridesmaid when you don’t want to. 

Post # 12
Member
618 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

View original reply
@aprilblonde:  hmm not sure this is the way to go, I don’t think OP should put this on her fiancé to be honest. If she doesn’t want to do it, I think you need to be confident enough in your decision to communicate that yourself. Just my opinion, but doing it through the fiancé would ruin the relationship even more. 

OP I understand not wanting to go on a bach trip, which is easy to decline for a myriad of reasons, but is it really that hard to stand up at a wedding for your future sister? Just my opinion, but I’d be sucking it up for one night. And if you really cannot muster up the mental or emotional energy to do it, I would tell her yourself. 

Post # 13
Member
618 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

I do have to agree with a poster above that bridesmaids are just a weird concept to me. I did not have them at my wedding, but my two best friends helped me do some diy projects, however, there was zero expectation of anything, they helped because they wanted to, and I did the same for them! 

Post # 14
Member
381 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@sollyb:  it’s how I would handle it, but then I am not looking to be BFF with my sisters in law just family friendly.  My reading of the original post was that she hadn’t been asked yet and this heads it off at the pass, obviously it depends on her ultimate goal for the relationship. 

Post # 15
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@champagneandlace:  I wouldn’t say it’s “rude,” but I think it is kind of…idk…messed up? I know you’re not obligated by any means, but I always try to be there for people when they ask because to me, that’s what life is about. I’d be hurt if someone declined my request for them to be my bridesmaid. If you do decline, I’d suggest doing so apologetically and try to minimize the hurt feelings.

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