Rude to decline being FSIL BM?

posted 2 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Member
5334 posts
Bee Keeper

It’s not rude; it’s just incredibly short-sighted. But it’s always interesting when people make their own lives more difficult. 

Post # 17
Member
1569 posts
Bumble bee

You can’t turn up on one day and wear a dress and smile for the cameras for your future sister in law?! Wow you must be really busy and important lol. Sorry but your whole post has a weird attitude. 

Post # 18
Member
254 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

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@happyjuju:  
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@sunburn:  agree with you both. I mean way to start off a relationship with your Future Sister-In-Law on the wrong foot. 

Look OP I’m not even a wedding person, but all you need to do is wear a nice dress and be there for her for a few hours one day. If you don’t want to participate in miscellaneous wedding party activities or have financial constraints, you could just talk to her about them beforehand. But the whole vibe of your post is basically “I can’t be bothered”, so again-way to start off a relationship with the in-laws on the wrong foot.

Post # 19
Member
851 posts
Busy bee

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@champagneandlace:  I do think it’s rude to essentially decline an honor role because you can’t be bothered standing up for your Future Sister-In-Law because you’ve already been in so many weddings.

I mean sure you’re not obligated to be a bridesmaid, but it’s awkward AF to decline IMO, especially since this will likely have ramifications for you in the family. I don’t see how it wouldn’t. Just like declining to be a bridesmaid or not asking someone to be a bridesmaid has ramifications for those friendships. Except because this is your Future Sister-In-Law, your in laws will be involved in it too.

Btw, you can be a bridesmaid and skip the bachelorette & shower.

Plus, not being a bridesmaid will likely not even get you uninvited from the pre-wedding events. All the showers and bachelorettes I’ve been to have had non-bridesmaid-friends/family members in attendance.

So yeah to me this reads as you don’t want to make nice on your FSIL’s wedding day, put on a dress, and stand up for her. Which is incredibly short-sighted, but it’s your choice if you want to make that decision.

Post # 21
Member
3037 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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@champagneandlace:  No, it’s not rude.  Accepting the role of a bridesmaid is an honor, but voluntary. You can gently and politely decline and a reasonable bride will understand. But, I will say this. Many years ago, I declined my SIL’s invitation / command to be a bridesmaid because she was a Zilla and TO THIS DAY, we’re not on speaking terms. She’s not a reasonable person and it’s a rare case but that’s what happened in my situation.

Post # 22
Member
909 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think it is far better to decline than to be a reluctant bridesmaid, harboring resentment over the work involved. There are so many threads on here about friction between brides and their bridesmaids….  I know of situations in my family where people did not want to be bridesmaids any more after having been involved in more than one wedding and seeing the work involved. Of course, you have to be polite and make it clear that it was very nice of her to ask. It might free her up to ask someone else that she was considering.

 

Post # 23
Member
41 posts
Newbee

Look. My SIL is 7 years younger than me and a complete nightmare. I would never in a million years want to be in her wedding. I agree with other posters. It’s how you decline. 

Post # 24
Member
3818 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I just refuse to believe that an entire relationship should hinge on whether or not someone wants to trot down an aisle and stand in front of a bunch of strangers for 30-60 minutes. I can’t wrap my head around trying to FORCE an honor on someone and essentially punishing them if they politely decline. That’s not how you treat people you want to honor. And as PP said, why would you even want to have a bridesmaid who only agreed to it out of obligation? Yeah they’ll be there and participate but the whole time they’ll just be annoyed that they were emotionally blackmailed into it.

You can be just as supportive, involved, and loving while not being a bridesmaid. It doesn’t make you a horrible person or less happy for the bride. 

Post # 25
Member
14013 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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@Anonymous1063:  Only it’s not very nice to assume up front that a bride will be a zilla, is it? Other than showing up, appropriately dressed, standing in support on the day, helping with minor day tasks, for example, adjusting a train or holding a bouquet, and attending a rehearsal if possible, there are literally no other requirements of the role. 

Once again, it’s an honor, not a job description. The “maid” in bridesmaid refers to a young woman not a servant or an open checkbook. Anything else is totally and completely optional and voluntary. Unfortunately some brides are uninformed or have over the top attitudes of entitlement. That’s why I think it can be helpful to ask about expectations. Only in that situation would I personally opt out if asked by a future SIL. 

Post # 26
Member
909 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@weddingmaven:  You don’t have to assume the bride is going to be a “zilla” to not want to be a bridesmaid. And it really doesn’t matter what your reason is. If you don’t want to do something, you have a right to decline.

Post # 27
Member
14013 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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@Anonymous1063:  Of course you have the “right” to decline for whatever reason and yes, it’s an honor not an obligation. That said, you have the right to do a lot of things. Just because you can doesn’t always mean you should. 

Your post implies that you assume the role comes with work involved or that the OP can assume it might. My only point was that is not properly the case at all. 

Post # 28
Member
618 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

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@Anonymous1063:  Just because you have the right to something, doesn’t mean exercising that right doesn’t make you an asshole. I have the right to not answer someone when they speak to me, but declining to do so still makes you rude. People have become so entitled in my opinion, that they think saying yes to something they don’t want to do is going to ruin their self care or something like that. No, of course you don’t have to say yes to being a bridesmaid, you don’t even have to say yes to going to the wedding if you don’t feel like it, but if someone did that to me because they didn’t ‘feel’ like it, I would think they were an entitlted asshole, and would probably not want that type of person in my group of friend. Thats just my opinion, and I know a lot of people will disagree with it, but relationships take work, and OP if this is a relationship you don’t feel is worth the work, say no, but if you want to have a relationship with your SIL who is 5 years younger (which isn’t that much by the way) put in the work, and be there for her.

Post # 29
Member
851 posts
Busy bee

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@MiniMeow:  Whether you think that there *should* be consequences to people declining to be bridesmaids doesn’t change the fact that there often *are* hurt feelings and therefore consequences in reaction to that choice. I agree with you and PPs that people are allowed to do what they want to do (within reason), but there can still be consequences to that, whether you like it or not.

I’m sorry, but how can you be “just” as supportive if you’re not willing to do the basic bridesmaid duties? I’m talking about attending the rehearsal dinner (which OP will probably still attend considering this is her FSIL), putting on a dress/suit the day of, keeping the Future Sister-In-Law company, helping with minor day-of tasks, and standing up for her Future Sister-In-Law the ceremony. That is the role of a bridesmaid and it is actually pretty minimal.

If OP is not even willing to do that, what is your suggestion for how she can be “just” as supportive? By simply attending as a guest (which is not the same) or by doing something that more involved than the basic bridesmaid duties?

Again, OP can decline if she wants to decline, but I find stating that someone can be “just” as supportive/loving to be disingenuous when basic bridesmaid duties are pretty minimal. And for a lot of brides, someone agreeing to those duties does have a lot of emotional weight/value. It’s not something that I think you can really replicate as simply a guest unless you’re going to put a ton of effort in in some other way. That’s my take.

Post # 30
Member
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

I am not a huge fan of attendting wedding, I really really don’t like them but I would still try and go. She will be your family…and no matter how you look at it, if you don’t go, it will hurt your relationship with her. You can totally skip the bachelorette though

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