Rude to decline being FSIL BM?

posted 2 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 31
Member
3818 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

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@anabee323:  Then maybe we should stop telling people “they should have just said no” when they post on the board about not wanting to be a bridesmaid anymore after agreeing to it. That’s the line people always pull out, if you didn’t want to do it you should have just said no from the beginning. Now someone wants to say no from the beginning and the response is, “Too bad. Your feelings don’t matter, do what is asked of you and you’re an asshole if you don’t.”

Bridesmaids are clearly a huge deal for some people so I get that someone would be disappointed if they asked someone and they said no, but offering an honor at the end of a shotgun barrel doesn’t seem like much of an honor. 

My friends were still very supportive of me and were happy to talk about plans and ideas without being bridesmaids. We checked out dresses online, picked out songs to play during dinner. They still came to my room while I was getting ready to hang out. They came, I got married, and we all had a good, relaxed, and fun time.

Obviously some people need more than that to feel their friends and family actually care about them and they’re free to determine what level of involvement meets their standard, but maybe they should also consider that people can actually still be involved and supportive without a title and a to-do list.

Post # 32
Member
851 posts
Busy bee

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@MiniMeow:  I can only speak for myself, but I don’t personally use that line. If someone thinks that people should be able to easily say no to being a bridesmaid, then I can see how they use that line. But it’s not like everyone on WBee says “you should have just said no.” The reality is that people usually can’t easily say no. However, I do think that people might use that line as a “suck it up buttercup” type of line.

I agree that people can be involved and supportive without a title, however reality is that brides experience hurt feelings at the rejection of the title. A discussion on WBee isn’t going to change that declining to be a bridesmaid is going to significantly hurt a lot of brides’ feelings.

And honestly, if someone rejects being a bridesmaid, are most brides really going to want to talk to that person about wedding-related things? That person has just said that they don’t want to stand up to support you on your big day. Unless someone has a legitimate reason to decline (which also varies depending on what the bride thinks is legitimate), that’s the message that’s getting across.

Once again, I’m not saying that that’s necessarily a reason to be a bridesmaid. Merely that OP and other people should seriously consider what declining might do to the relationship, and whether the risk of hurt feelings and changing the relationship is worth it. I did feel more strongly in this case because she is going to marry into this family and therefore her FI’s entire family is involved in this particular situation (who are all going to have various interpretations of what happened based on what they are told and their personal feelings). To me, the risk of sullying the relationship with my future in-laws wouldn’t be worth it.

 

Post # 33
Member
3818 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

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@anabee323:  I totally agree with you that the issue is very subjective and all depends on the bride, really. The position of bridesmaid (or honestly any wedding party position) doesn’t mean anything to me which is why I didn’t have a wedding party for my wedding, so I understand my “what’s the big deal about declining” attitude comes from a place of seeing all of those roles as totally unnecessary. But I do understand that for many brides it is indeed an important role, and feelings can and will be hurt by people declining.

I just feel like, if someone’s heart isn’t in it and they aren’t going to enjoy it or be happy about it, do you really want them to say yes? I would hate to have someone as a bridesmaid only to learn later that they disliked the entire experience because I would want my wedding to be a positive experience for my family and friends, not some thing they agree to to keep the peace.

But I can totally see how for some people it really is important that the people they ask say yes, and I understand the difficulty and potential consequences of saying no. I just feel like it wouldn’t make or break my relationship with a person. But everyone has to make that determination for themselves and if they feel unsupported by someone saying no thank you to being a bridesmaid, they’re entitled to feel that way and take that into account when deciding how or if to move forward with any kind of relationship.

Post # 34
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

I am going to disagree with some of the PPs and say that if you do not want to be in a wedding for whatever reason then you can definitely decline! As long as you decline respectfully and explain your feelings to her I would hope she is mature enough and rationale enough to not be upset. If I was the bride, I would be a little hurt but I would completely understand. Being a bridesmaid is a task not everyone is up for all the time. 

I am kind of surprise at the advice you are getting OP. There are so many threads about people who accepted the bridesmaid role but want to pull out later on because they realize they are not up for the tasks and the string of advice they usually get is to think about themselves and do whats best for their well being. Idk why people are attacking you since I feel like you are being honest and avoiding a situation that can be worse down the line. Declining to be a bridesmaid right away is 100% better than pulling out of the wedding mid-way. 

So do whats best for you. Not everything requires a good reason. Sometimes we as people just dont “feel like it” and thats perfectly fine as long as you are honest from the beginning. 

Post # 35
Member
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

There is nothing that says you have to be a bridesmaid for every person that asks, however it should be dependent on the person asking you and how close you are, I don’t think you should have to do something just to save face for “family reasons” but the way you are wording it and going about it seems like that would be more a a riff than not being in the wedding at all, as a PP suggested you could be a bridesmaid without having to attend all of the other things, just make that be known, that way she could have a choice if she wants to pick someone else or not, I am not sure if that is something you are open to, but again, I would think of how close you guys are, how close you are to whatever sibling she is married to and so forth…… Maybe the sibling she is marrying suggested you be in the wedding cause they wanted you to be a part of it? there is so much to the story missing that I can’t really tell yoiu what way to go. Just be open and honest but do it gently.

Post # 36
Hostess
5038 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2016

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@champagneandlace:  I was in your situation when my SIL asked me to be in her wedding.  I was way over being in weddings, had just survived a very, very exhausting zilla, and that year was especially busy (4 weddings) but for me, it would have been weird to decline.  My SIL is also a very sweet person and I knew she wouldn’t be OTT.  I literally just bought a dress and showed up.  Though my first impression was *sigh* another wedding to be in, I ended up having a great time with my SIL.  If you think she would be reasonable, I’d recommend standing up with her while declining the other events, but if you really don’t want to, you do you! 

Post # 37
Member
3065 posts
Sugar bee

If this is something you really don’t want to do, then you have every right to decline. It sounds like you just can’t be bothered vs. you’re declining because she’s a bridezilla (unless there’s more to the story). But it’s your right to decline for whatever reason you want.

As to whether it’s “rude” – well yeah it might be perceived that way. But you can’t really control how other people perceive your behavior. So you have to weigh the pros and cons of declining. Pros: you don’t have to bother with yet another tedious bridesmaid obligation. Cons: Your Future Sister-In-Law might be hurt and it could damage family relations. Only you can decide whether the pros outweigh the cons or vice versa.

Post # 38
Member
14013 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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@MiniMeow:  There are a lot more comments advising people to step down when confronted with entitled brides mid-stream than posters saying someone should have said no from the outset. How often does someone want to flake after accepting the role for no good reason? 

It should not be necessary and is, in fact, inappropriate to essentially ask a bride ahead of time if she plans to be unreasonable. 

Post # 39
Member
3818 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

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@weddingmaven:  I guess my whole issue with this potential scenario is that the bride (random bride for this example, not OPs FSIL) is saying, “I’d be honored to have you as my bridesmaid” but her actions are saying, “be my bridesmaids or I’ll resent you and will possibly never speak to you again.” To me that doesn’t seem like the attitude you should take with someone you want to bestow that honor on.

And while asking if a bride is going to be unreasonable is inappropriate, the lack of communication about expectations BEFORE people accept the role creates a lot of unnecessary bad feelings and damaged relationships.

 

OP, I don’t mean to derail your thread. I think it’s fine to decline an invitation to be a bridesmaid but clearly this is a know your audience type of decision because people will react differently to you saying no. I hope you’re able to find a solution you’re comfortable with.

Post # 40
Member
14013 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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@MiniMeow: Communication is important, but it is also a two way street. If someone is concerned about unreasonable expectations she can and should bring up time, budget and availability limitations. In a perfect world this wouldn’t be necessary and there was a time not so very long ago it never was. A true friend will only care about her bridesmaids being there for and with her on her wedding day. 

Post # 41
Member
2552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Why is it an automatic no? 

I don’t understand why you can’t accept and let her know that while you will be happy to stand by her side on her big day, you’ve been overwhelmed with extra wedding events over the past two years and would like to attend the shower as a guest (rather than being involved in planning it) and will sit out the bachelorette. 

Be honest with your Future Sister-In-Law and manage expectations up front. 

Post # 42
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

The big thing missing from this whole discussion is what your relationship is like with this person in general. I would assume it’s not great based on the initial post, and that makes a difference.

Post # 43
Member
6106 posts
Bee Keeper

Oh ugh.  Is the wedding soon? Or next year? And what are covid numbers and restrictions like?  Will travel be required and what is your comfort level? 

A lot of questions before I can give advice.  But in theory you should be able to respectfully decline and have the relationship undamaged but in reality she might be hurt.  And the advixe I’d give is depending on the above questions and your relationship expectations with her 

Post # 44
Member
463 posts
Helper bee

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@emilyofnewmoon:   @happyjuju:  

I agree with these comments. OP your post does sound a lot like you are just too busy and a diva that cannot be bothered. I understand being in 6 weddings must have been a lot. But assess each person individually. If this SIL had asked you to be a bridesmaid 4 weddings ago, would you have said yes? If yes, then say yes. It is not fair to her and not her fault you’ve been in so many weddings. Now if you do not have the best relationship with her, or you would be saying no even if you had been in 0 weddings ever in your life, that is a different story. But to decline just because she is unlucky number 7 in your busy life? Seems rude to me if THAT is the only reason why. 

Post # 45
Member
684 posts
Busy bee

Do you suspect she’ll be a high maintenance bride to her bridesmaids? I would talk to her about her expectations  before opting out prematurely. 

You’re likely to be invited to the bachelorette and shower regardless since you’re both going to be family soon. It’s not just the wedding party that goes to those. A lot of times being a bridesmaid really just means wearing a certain dress and standing up with her on the day. 

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