Post # 1
My mom just texted me to tell me that my godmother wants to throw me a bridal shower. I need to figure out how to politely decline, without saying, “She’ll hold this over my head for the rest of my life.”
This woman was a huge part of my life, up until I was about 12 years old. Then her and my mom got into a fight, and I didn’t see her for 15 years. Now suddenly they’re friendly again, and everything should go back to the way it was. Because, obviously, I’m the same person I was when I was 12.
I’ve tried to be patient with her, and let her know my boundaries, but she just wants to be my “Tante” again and skips ahead the whole “getting to know you” thing. This is the same woman who responds to my dad’s group text with, “Jessi is keeping her mom at arm’s length” and tells my dad that my fiance is a “boy, acting as a man.”
She’s pretentious, and self-centered, and I don’t trust her motivations in wanting to throw me a party.
How do I politely decline, without making it about her, and without making it awkward for my mom?
Post # 2
With someone like that, there is probably no way to do it without her making it about her and making it awkward for everyone. I would just tell her “thank you for the thought, that’s so sweet, but I won’t be having a shower.” As far as you know right now, that’s true, right? If it happens to change in the future because someone closer decides to throw one, that’s not your fault. Then just steel yourself against the drama and don’t let yourself get pulled in.
Post # 3
instead of making it about who is throwing a shower, perhaps you could state that you would rather not have a shower (if that is indeed what you want). I have personally declined several very gracious offers to host a shower for me, simply because I didn’t want to have one. I think perhaps your family would receive the decline much easier if it wasn’t pointed at your grandmother maybe?
Post # 4
Thank you for the advice. I very politely declined, and my declination was declined. My mom is quite insistent that this happen, even though I said that I don’t want the extra attention.
Post # 5
Tell your mom no. Family members don’t like to listen, I have learned that with wedding planning. Everytime she brings it up, tell her no again. Hopefully after the 5 or 6th time she gets the hint.
Post # 6
They can plan all the want… you can tell them no and then not show up. Find somewhere else entirely to be on that day and let them know you will not be around (every single time they mention it but don’t say where you’re going). You may also be able to find an invited guest who can spread the word that the shower is a bust so no one else wastes their time when the guest of honor won’t be there.
Post # 7
Aw, well, that’s a complicated solution because I live in a different state. My mom basically wants to time the shower with my visit to see my cousin’s baby born.
I declined, again. Hopefully she’ll take the hint.
Post # 8
I agree to keep saying no. Having a shower is not a legal requirement of getting married! They should respect your wishes.
Post # 9
It isn’t rude to decline their offer for a shower. I did the same with my MIL; it’s not really my thing and I don’t want anyone to make a big deal over it. Continue to politely decline. Hopefully they won’t try to spring a surprise shower on you…
Post # 10
Put your foot down. I hate bridal showers in this day and age so I declined like 5 offers to throw one. it was my decision so everyone else had to deal.
Post # 11
My mom is still dismissing all of my objections. I feel a little better about it, though, because I’m getting support from both my fiance and my Maid/Matron of Honor.
I think that, instead of saying “I don’t want this because…” and letting her find ways to argue about it with me, I just need to say, “I don’t want this.”
I absolutely cannot tell her that I don’t want a shower because I don’t want to owe my godmother anything. So I just have to rely on the fact that she knows I’m a little weird, and not very girly, and I’m not going to be forced to attend a party that I don’t want. Right?!
Post # 12
Right. Just keep on firmly saying you don’t care for bridal showers and never wanted one so yes , thanks to anyone who offered to host BUT no, you really really don’t want one. And tell friends and family that if they get some sort of approach from tante, to tell her they they know for certain that you didn’t want one , so…..
Post # 13
I can sympathize a bit with this situation (not the godmother part, but the not wanting a shower). The thing is, some people take it very personally if you decline letting them throw a shower. In the end I gave in and just requested it be called something other than a “shower.” So they’re doing a “Bridal Brunch.”
Post # 14
your mom declined your request to decline? She’s not the bride, sorry not sorry.
If I were you, my next text would say “mom, I was trying to politely decline this shower. I am not comfortable and will not become comfortable. If you insist on not understanding this, then unfortunately I will be forced to just not attend.”
Obviously word it nicer or whatever, but bottom line, they can save time, energy and money by just not tossing a shower because either way I wouldn’t be showing up.
Such an awkward situation and they need to respect that.
Post # 15
This is so awkard. It sounds like this is less about you and more about them.
I declined a shower, my godmother also wanted to throw me one (she has also never had kids of her own, so I think she really saw this as her time to shine!). We all talked and decided a couples shower with close family only, and not frilly at all (she actually made it HP themed, over the top cheesey, hilarious and wonderful), no opening presents etc. It was a nice family party more than it was a “shower”. Also since Fiance and his family were all there (men and women), I didn’t feel the center of attention. It was really a nice day. It unfortunately sounds like your godmom/mom don’t have the best intentions though :/