(Closed) Rude/Judgemental RSVP from FMIL friends

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
130 posts
Blushing bee

I’m sorry I have no advice but those Future Mother-In-Law Frienss are beyond rude and now have made it extremely awkward! You’ve never even met them! I’m so sorry bee! 

Post # 3
1958 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

AnonB000:  it is really rude for them to mention that, I think that weddings bring out the crazy in everyone. I’m in a similar boat, both sets of parents have made it clear that we are paying and it’s our day but have said we aren’t doing something right/they don’t see the point of that/wished we had this/I haven’t involved my partner enough and this is my elaborate grand wedding. It’s been eye-roll galore. So I just adopted the approach of “it’s OUR wedding, we are paying and WE are jointly making decisions” And then inform them when a decision has been reached. I know that this is temporary and after the wedding we’ll be able to go about our business uninterrupted again (I know that there is a chance they could start on grandchildren but they’ll be informed once about its our decision and then I have threaten them with calling the child something they would despise if they bring it up again. We are not going through this again). 

I think you have two options to deal with this and I think your partner is right to just a send generic thank you back to their response. So you can either discuss this with your Future Mother-In-Law or leave things be. If you sit down with her, you can say that  you received this response, you realise she might feel left out but the two of you have planned this, whilst your family might have been involved they have only helped organise what the both of you wanted. If you don’t want to bring it up, just find little ways for her to be involved, get your partner to send a picture of his suit or casually mention he wanted roses, or chicken, or the venue, emphasise that it’s your day and it’s really made things so simple to just plan a day that was so obviously the two of you. There is also the chance that this could be Chinese whispers with (for want of a better word) a shit-stirrer, your Future Mother-In-Law could have said “they’ve planned this all themselves” in passing and the shit-stirrer could have taken that to mean that Future Mother-In-Law is utterly heartbroken and she must step in because that is what good, nosey, intrusive “friends” do, isn’t it? If that’s the case, you Future Mother-In-Law might be mortified.

Try not to let this bring you down, just focus on you two and your day.

Post # 4
320 posts
Helper bee

Damn, that’s bad. I would have a hard time not saying something to my Future Mother-In-Law, not that it would do any good. I’d have a hard time holding my tongue with them too. I guess let Fiance reply. I’d have him talk to his mom as well. 

Post # 5
343 posts
Helper bee

This is incredibly rude, and I’m angry just reading your post. But personally, I think the best way to deal with it is to ignore it. Send this horrible woman  a standard RSVP’D response and try not to let it bother you further. Harder said than done, I know.

Urghh. Sometimes weddings make people act like morons.

Post # 6
2595 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

That’s awkward. I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt and hoping she just has her friend’s best interests at heart. But who says that to someone they’ve never met?! Anyway, just respond as you would the others and sign it off with both of your names.

Post # 7
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

This isn’t the polite/right response, but I’d be really tempted to write back with something snarky and tell them not to bother showing up. The nerve of some people. 

Post # 8
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Completely out of line!

Post # 9
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Cellar 222

“Just something to think about” is the most passive agressive advice. Be equally false. Respond the way you would to anyone else. Hopefully she’ll take the hint.

Post # 10
3421 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Some people just can’t tell what business is theirs and what business isn’t.

Agree with your Fiance to just send a generic message back and totally ignore the rest, and keep planning exactly the way you’re planning.

Post # 11
3029 posts
Sugar bee

I am livid! Respond as to anyone else.  BUT, the day of your wedding, when they are introduced to you, put on your coldest expression and say “Ah, yes, the Smiths.  Nice to meet you”.  Give them a cold smile, and leave it at that.

Post # 12
11974 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Fiance should deal with both the family friends and his mother and tell them firmly that you are hosting the wedding, that you will plan according to your own taste and judgment. I’d also tell the mother how upset and hurt you are that she’s gone behind your backs to others to complain. 


Post # 13
11457 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

First, this person was incredibly out of line. Second, yes, you’re overreacting.

The important things to remember here are these:

1. Someone else’s rudeness does not give us the licence to be rude in return, and

2. This is not AT ALL about you or your having done anything wrong and is ENTIRELY about your Future Mother-In-Law and her friend and their inappropriate feelings of Future Mother-In-Law having been “hurt” and “offended”and their mutual arrogance that Future Mother-In-Law “knows best” and their respective desires to “fix” these things (FMIL, your wedding; and FMIL’s friend, this situation that she deems a “waste” of your FMIL’s talents and FMIL’s frustrations and hurt feelings.)

This is all about CONTROL and the fact that Future Mother-In-Law doesn’t have any in this situation and these ladies’ inability to let that go and their blatant and inappropriate desires to fix it.

The truth is that you have indeed tried to include Future Mother-In-Law in the planning. However from what you’ve told us, it’s clear that she doesn’t want to be involved; she wants to take over. And that is not right, and it’s not going to happen.

The only way to deal with this is to ignore anything that can be ignored and to consistently, firmly, and politely, deal with anything that requires a response. Since FMIL’s friend’s RSVP is so over-the-top out of line, and you aren’t in a situation that requires you to enage in a discussion with her about it, I would send a short, polite response consistent with the others you’ve been sending, i.e. “Glad to hear you can join us. We look forward to seeing you.”

Post # 14
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’d tell her that you and your future husbands are the hosts of the wedding and you apologize if Future Mother-In-Law indicated otherwise.  Tell her as hosts, it’s important to you not to burden GUESTS with the work of planning and budget logistics.  Accordingly, you have been sharing these details that this guest has heard so much about with Future Mother-In-Law.  MIL gets all the fun of being an insider with none of the hassle.

this bitch is likely going to critique everything at your wedding as “FMIL would have done better”. I wouldn’t be afraid to run her offlol very politely. Bher busybody ass not attending would be the best wedding gift this old bag could give you.  

Post # 15
13584 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would respond just as you would to anyone else.  This woman is clearly trying to get a rise out of you, and by being the bigger person and just responding vaguely, you’ll show that her words had no impact and didn’t resonate with you. 

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