Post # 1
Hello! I’m new here and just recently was the maid of honor for a childhood friend I lost touch with. I feel like the wedding planning process ruined what little of a friendship we had left. I’d really appreciate your honest thoughts/opinions.
I don’t like the behavior I saw in my friend during her wedding planning or the day of. I’m not sure if I shound attempt to salvage our friendship or not. I was expected to throw her a bridal shower after she originally didn’t want one. We attended a shower for a friend and she liked the idea of receiving gifts. I spent $200 on decorations and barely got a thank you. I took time off work for the bachelorette party in Nashville (only 3 bridesmaids) so the bride offered to help cover the hotel bill . Turns out she couldn’t even afford to go but was the one insisting we go there. Wedding rolls around and I spend several hours after work each night for a week helping decorate and don’t get a thank you. She showed up an hour and half late to her rehearsal while we all (including her family) just sat at the venue waiting. She was rude when she arrived and stressed. She did give me a short note saying thanks for standing next to her on her big day. The day of she complains about the amount guest. Stating she didn’t pay this much for no one to show up when their parents covered 90% of the cost of the wedding. I did everything she asked. And then got stuck returning all tuxes the day after the wedding when no one even asked if I would. She just assumed I would. I didn’t get a thank you in person. The day after the wedding she writes a Facebook post shouting out certain people and telling them thank you but provides a generic thank you to the bridal party. I feel extremely unappreciated and perhaps used. I doubt the bride knows of my feelings because I was trying to give her a happy day.
Am I being overly sensitive? At this point, I don’t feel like reaching out and expressing my feelings is ideal. I rarely see her or speak with her. I’m just hurt and would like an apology I suppose.
Post # 2
I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive. However, I do think you should let it go and not expect any kind of apology, because that’s not likely to happen. There is no reason to stay in touch with this person any more, either, since your friendship had already faded before the wedding just let it fade away again. That’s what I would do anyway. I don’t do toxic people/relationships.
FWIW, you went above and beyond your duties for her wedding and she did and does owe you a huge thank you. But some people are just really self-centered and self-absorbed. She probably doesn’t even think she did one thing wrong. Just put her behind you and focus on your own fabulous life.
Post # 3
I would let the friendship fade. I wouldn’t expect or ask for an apology as it wouldn’t likely be heartfelt.
Post # 4
Seems like you took a lot on yourself without being asked. Maybe she felt that you were controlling, and perhaps to her being chosen as a maid of honor was enough. Some people are not communicators and she may have projected the stress of the whole event on you. Maybe you are someone she didn’t think she needed to spend a lot of time thanking because you weren’t the source of her insecurity re low guest count.
To be perfectly honest, you might not be compatible people.
Post # 5
You are not being overly sensitive. Her behavior would hurt and/or annoy most people. I agree with PPs that you shouldn’t hold your breath for an apology and honestly, would it help that much anyway? She already used you and treated you like crap. “Oh, sorry” is not going to erase that. I would just let the friendship (if there is one) fade. No big loss to you.
“Seems like you took a lot on yourself without being asked. Maybe she felt that you were controlling
” — Where in the world does this come from? Nothing she said even hints that this might be the case. The bride liked the idea of getting gifts at a shower, the bride wanted Nashville for a bachlorette party, and the bride assumed OP would retun the tuxes. What exactly do you think she was taking on without being asked?
Post # 6
You went above and beyond for someone who isn’t a super close friend. You are a saint. And she should be on her knees thanking you, but she won’t. So I’d move on.
You are Bryce Dallas Howard in that one Black Mirror episode. You went above and beyond and your childhood friend wasn’t even grateful and used you as a prop because she probably doesn’t have any real friends. I’m sure I’ll get some flack for this, but whenever a bride’s maid of honor is a childhood friend who she lost touch with over the years or isn’t part of her adult life I always wonder if that’s because the bride has already burned through all of her adult friendships. Grad school, college, high school friends ok. But when we are digging back to childhood to someone you barely keep in contact with, well, you just have to wonder why.
Post # 7
She sounds awful, and my guess is you were not treated this way by accident. I wonder if she was annoyed about something having to do with those parties she demanded be thrown by you in her honor. Which was rude to begin with.
I don’t think there is anything wrong, after she is settled and at home, with saying you got the impression she was upset with you about something. Best case scenario there is something that happened earlier that you weren’t aware of. But I doubt it.
Post # 8
Relax child. My thoughts were in response to OP spending hours a week decorating. Unclear whether she was asked. She was “expected” to throw a bridal shower – by whom? Was she actually asked or did she assume? Returning tuxes the next day. Unclear if she was asked.
Post # 9
I don’t think you’re being over sensititive. You say she’s a childhood friend that you’d lost touch with, perhaps she’s just not the same person you remember her to be and you’ve now seen her true colors. OR, the wedding really stressed her out and she became a bit of a bridezilla.
I doubt you’ll get an apology, or a thank you for all of your hard work after that fact. I’d probably let this go, I likely wouldn’t make much of an effort to keep the friendship going but I’d be open to hanging out if she reached out. If she continues to be a total bitch, then I’d cut her off.
It does seem weird to me that she asked you to be her Maid/Matron of Honor if you really weren’t good friends anymore and hadn’t kept in regular contact? And also a lot of her guests didn’t show up?? Maybe she is just a shitty person…
Post # 10
Dear Bee, I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive. I do believe it’s clear your friend has things to work on, though. Why would she ask a childhood friend she’s not really that close to anymore to be her MOH? Why did some (many?) of her guests didn’t even bother to show up to her wedding? I believe this is someone who clearly has issues retaining friendships and she perhaps just took advantage of your good/kind nature. I wouldn’t even assign too much value to the FB post- that’s just a facade, a way of her trying to make others think she’s someone she isn’t. While I doubt you’ll get the “thank you” you deserve, rest assured in the fact you acted on your good nature while she did on her worst, which makes you a better human than she is. Best of luck, Bee!
Post # 11
You mentioned you lost touch with the bride but she made you her MOH? That would have been my first clue and i would have been VERY hesitant rekindling that friendship and being the MoH. In light of how she has treated you it looks like she got back in touch to use you for her wedding and nothing more.
I think this is pretty common. If someone I used to be good friends with conveniently wanted to be friends again right before their wedding? I’d be super suspicious and try to figure out their intentions before taking on a ton of work for them with the planning and executing. Sorry this happened to you, you sound like a very kind giving person.
If I were you I’d tell her you were hurt and bail on that friendship.
Post # 12
You have a very good point. I hadn’t considered that. I have a type A personality and has the complete opposite. They waited until the last minute to plan a majority of the wedding and then “winged” the rest. I did apologize a couple of months before the wedding if I came across as controlling in anyway. It came from a place of love. I just wanted her day to go smoothly and for her to not be stressed out the day off. I realize not everyone is a planner. Lols Thank you! It’s new perspective.
Post # 13
I think her lack of friends in this stage of her life influenced my decision on saying yes to being her maid of honor. She didn’t have any other friends. She was consumed with her boyfriend/fiancée and lost all her friends. It’s the reason we drifted apart in addition to going to separate colleges several hours apart. Plus, I didn’t like her now husband. I didn’t know him back then so didn’t feel like my feelings were worth mentioning. It was just a gut feeling of dislike. She had another childhood friend she lost touch with stand up as a bridesmaid too. It does make we wonder if others have received similar treatment. Thank you for comment!
Post # 14
I was a little skeptical at first but felt guilty for thinking poorly of her. We were best friends as teenagers as she battled through cancer. I thought we formed a life long bond through it. So, I never expected to be taken advantage of. Looking back, I should have heeded my parents warnings about being used for my money since I have a good job. We live and we learn. I mostly certainly learned a lot of this experience. Thank you!
Post # 15
I think she behaved poorly. On the other hand, people can only take advantage of you to the extent that you let them. You let her.