Post # 1
Hi, I’m feeling very sad and lost right now. I feel I should be enjoying this process of planning my wedding but I feel I am messing everything up with my poor clumsy choices. I felt very awkward straight away about bridesmaids. I knew I would struggle to decide and didnt want to hurt peoples feelings. I also wanted to keep things small and due to family pressures am having 3 flower girls so was not initially going to have bridesmaids.
I have two very old friends. They are not from the same friendship group. One I am closer to than ever. The other things are strained and to be honest I have stopped feeling like I can be myself with and have begun to feel insecure in the relationship. We have had some big rows over the last couple of years and there is hurt there. One of the rows was over me talking openly about not being sure if I would have bridesmaids.
However fast forward to now 10 months after getting engaged and I have made a decision and I feel like I would like the experience of bridesmaids but still want to keep it small. H2B is having one best man and his other oldest friend as witness. I have chosen to do the same but have chosen my closes friend for bridesmaid. I wanted to show my other friend she was still special and included.
As you can guess,,, a massive fallout has happend. I feel so anxious and foolish that I have handled this so badly. End result is she has called time on our friendship and does not want to see me or talk. She also has said she isn’t coming to hen so I also assume that means the wedding but hope’s we can be friends again in the future.
I feel very sad and anxious about all fo this. I feel deeply hurt that this is the result and she does not feel she can be there for me as a friend and I also feel so stupid that I have not handled this well. I feel ashamed I have upset my friend so much. Ultimately I was trying to have what I want, include people and not upset anyone.
There isn’t anything more I can do I guess but I’m just looking to offload. I am also seeking counselling as I feel I handle anxiety and emotions so badly. I am allowing this to take over my thoughts in a dominating way. Xxx
Post # 2
I’m not sure how you think you handled things badly. I wouldn’t have asked her either. Let the chips fall where they may. Are you saying you tried to give her a consolation prize of some kind and she was offended by that?
Post # 3
I mean, this doesn’t sound like a particularly healthy friendship anymore. Do you really feel that badly that your friend wants a time out, or are you more shaken by the confrontation itself? I mean, will you miss your friend’s company, or do you just hate that it ended (or paused) on a bad note?
You sound like an extreme people pleaser. I think once you get some distance from this friend, you will find that her continuing to give you space is a good thing.
Post # 4
Worriedbride321 : your ‘friend’ fought with you over a hypothetical wedding. Who is surprised that she threw a tantrum over the real wedding as well? Do not try to make amends, she’s a child. Kiss that friendship goodbye. You may be anxious and upset now but in a couple of years you’ll be glad you did.
Post # 5
It sounds like your friend is more interested in a position in your wedding than she is in your friendship. Good riddance. You should never feel guilty or ashamed of making your wedding what you want, and if your friend wants to “pause” your friendship over this, I suggest you hit the delete button on it. A friend should support you in your choices, not throw a tantrum when she doesn’t get what SHE wants for YOUR wedding. Peace out on that drama.
Post # 6
Worriedbride321 : It sounds like your friend was the one who handled things poorly. This is your choice and you certainly arent obligated to have anyone in your wedding.
And even if she was that upset, she has blown the whole thing out of water. This could have been handled by a simple conversation, but if she wants to the friendship over this, she doesnt seem like a very good friend.
Post # 7
Worriedbride321 : Do you mean you asked one friend to be a bridesmaid and the other friend to be a witness (but not bridesmaid) and the witness friend is now so upset that she’s not speaking to you? It doesn’t sound like she’s a good friend to begin with. Multiple “big rows” over the past few years? I haven’t had a row with a friend since college. If you’re rowing that often, maybe you’ve outgrown each other (or you’ve outgrown her). And now she’s behaving like a child again. I would just let this friendship fade. It’s sad that your wedding was the final straw but honestly, good riddence to her.
Post # 8
It sounds like you two were no longer as close and I think you were right in not asking her to be a bridesmaid. I wouldn’t want someone whom I can no longer be myself standing next to me on my wedding day.
Are you upset that the friendship is “officially” over? From your post, I felt like you wanted to distant yourself from her anyway. If that’s the case, give yourself time to mourn the end of this friendship, but eventually, time will tell you that you did the right thing by moving on from her. Don’t let her trouble your thoughts and focus on your true friends.
And seriously, I cannot believe she argued with you years prior about you potentially not having bridesmaids. Really??
Post # 9
Just a quick question… does the “witness” stand up there with you and the bridesmaid? Would it have made literally any difference to have made her a bridesmaid rather than a witness (aside from, perhaps, a matching dress)? Something to consider, I suppose. I assume this problem could’ve been nipped in the bud if you’d just made them both bridesmaids.
At any rate, if you wanted to have “matching sides” with your fiance (i.e. one attendant and one witness), then okay. (Though, again, I assume the male witness would be wearing a suit akin to the groomsman and/or could easily wear a matching suit to the groomsman, so…not sure why your fiance made the initial distinction).
THAT SAID, your friend behaved childishly, for sure, and it sounds like this friendship is better off dead. I’m sorry you’re feeling so shitty, though — that’ll probably last for a while. But people lose friends pretty frequently, but so too do we make new friends frequently. Look toward the future, Bee!
Post # 10
weddingmaven : thank you everyone for your honesty and comments. Yes I am a people pleaser. I hate that about myself but equally I hate hurting feelings. We have been friends for so long and were very close for a long time. I suppose I feel conflicted like I owed it to her and regretful I’ve hurt her. But then I have to think about where we are at the moment and what feels comfortable and is going to work for me.
I suppose I know in my heart that yes all of this would have been avoided if I had just asked her. But then I feel something else may have blown up nearer the time of the wedding. We would need to be spending alot of time together potentially as we plan and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and have been for a while.
Yes I asked her to be witness. I’m not stupid, I know everyone wants the bridesmaid title. But I did try to explain it just keeps it small and intimate how I wanted it but also I get to keep my two oldest friends close. One bridesmaid and one witness, stood there with me and signing my certificate. It wasnt an intentional thing about matching numbers but I felt that way round was right for me and how I was feeling/what i wanted too. I anticipated shed may be upset but I hoped when she calmed down she would see she still had an important role in the wedding and would embrace it.
I don’t know, I am mourning I guess. I spend alot of time thinking over if I should/could have done it differently. But I still come back to how i initially felt about it all and that I dont think it needed to end in this way.
I have tried to meet her face to face 5 times and speak about things properly to explain but she doesnt want to. Her message was very heartfelt but essentially it was that I’ve hurt her too much. She recognises I didnt mean to but that its healthier to leave our friendship here, shes probably right but I’m finding it difficult that it’s all over things that really feel so silly.
Thanks again for your advice, I need to just learn to let this be and not keep going over it all. I’ll read back over it again today for reassurance. Xxx
Post # 11
Worriedbride321 : It sounds like your “friend” is just not a good person. One of my close friends (she was one of my bridesmaids) has told me before that she would have me be her Maid/Matron of Honor once she got married. Lately, she’s been thinking she might have a small wedding and no bridesmaids at all. I would never think of getting angry with her or arguing over it – it’s her wedding! You definitely made the right decision to have your closer friend be the only bridesmaid. I’m sorry you’re going through this; it’s always hard to have friendships not be what you thought they were.