Ruined my own proposal, now I feel like a bitch (Long)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think as women we always have the dream proposal played out in our minds and when it doesn’t happen that way we tend to be disappointed even just a little bit! I’m happy for you anyway and like you said in time it won’t matter!! I don’t have any advice though but just for you to enjoy it all 😉

Post # 4
Member
4659 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Don’t feel bad for how you feel! It’ll just stress you needlessly. 

If it really gets to you, why not say nicely to him something like… “remember when I proposed on Halloween, and I planned a whole big event for us? That was so fun, I’m so happy we did that… what if you planned a big, romantic day for us like that for [my birthday/the first day of spring/president’s day etc.]? I’ve always wanted something like that, it would make me feel so special.” (Then, like many ladies do with the proposal, just drop it and see wha thappens.)

He probably has no idea that it’s even a thing. It’s not that he isn’t crazy in love with you or want to do nice things for you, some guys… it just doesn’t occur to them. They have to be nudged, and usually guys like that don’t mind the occasional nudge because they’re aware that they miss the cue sometimes. As long as it comes off as a gentle suggestion and not a demand or whatever, I bet he’d come through.

I know how it feels to put so much time and effort and thought into things and not feel like you’re getting it back. It’d be good to have a calm conversation about that in a general sense, but if I were you I’d keep the proposal out of that, as it can be a very sensitive spot for some guys. 

It just sorta sucks that people are so rooted in the tradition that they see his proposal as the “official” one. Traditions are so annoying and often pointless obstacles to an optimal path. You may just have to turn the other cheek on that with people who are hypnotized by the “standard issue” life script, or use a playful teasing reminder that you got there first… and just privately enjoy being clever enough to really analyze what’s right for you instead of just blindly following what’s “normal” or expected.

Post # 5
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@notestasiskis:  in a few years youll be so blissfully married that youll tell people about your dual proposals and how sweet they were. Some poeple only get one, you get two!

Post # 7
Member
3371 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Aww, I totally know what you’re feeling. This reminds me so much of when Charlotte proposed to Trey on SATC, haha.

My darling Fiance surprised me with a Christmas Eve proposal. He did it when we were exchanging gifts under the tree (because we were having friends over the next day, we decided to do presents early). The next thing I knew he bounded upstairs and came back with a little blue box, and basically said quite formally “I have made my decision about you. Would you like to marry me?” (he’s Swiss, and I have to say that proposal was one of his more Swiss moments).

I was sitting cross-legged in my pyjamas, in the dark, with 12-hour-old makeup and my cat batting away at the wrapping paper. We had just finished watching The Muppets movie. Seriously, I was so underwhelmed. Obviously I said yes, and I cried, but then as the hours and days went on I realised that I was sinking into a kind of post-engagement depression about not getting this amazing proposal story that I could share with everyone. You can’t help but compare (some of my gfs have amazing proposal stories, like involving skydiving and seaplanes and crazy stuff like that). And of course, everyone asks about the proposal, and asks to see the ring…which is another story entirely, in that he wanted so much to keep everything a surprise that he never once asked me what kind of ring I liked. I kind of feel like a major emotional milestone had been stolen from me. But you know what my mum pointed out? This is the first of so many milestones. Marriage, anniversaries, children, all those special moments. And I have no doubt they will make me realise that I am kind of missing the forest for the trees in fussing over the proposal.

Anyway, my point is, you gotta put things in perspective. In a few months and years time, you won’t even remember the feeling of being disappointed. I feel better all the time, especially since we have sinced talked about it. You’ll have a happy marriage with the man of your dreams, and isn’t that the whole point? Even by the time your wedding rolls around, I doubt anyone will care to ask about the proposal. But you should be honest with him, gently, and make him understand how you feel. Is it just about the proposal? Or do you feel, generally, he lacks romance and you make more of an effort in that department? If possible, I would approach the conversation in more general terms rather than targeting his proposal.

And by the way, congrats!

Post # 8
Member
1181 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Don’t worry, once you start planning the wedding you just might forget all about the proposal! Plus coming up to your 1st anniversary you can hint for him to plan something special! Congratulations on your engagement! 🙂

Post # 9
Member
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

presented me with the ring” – This is what you need to focus on. The engagement was already official (assuming he said yes!), and what he was doing was confirming his intentions and giving you the ring he thought would be perfect. 

When people ask you, yes you will take the credit for organising the original proposal. But remember he made you a romantic dinner and presented you with the ring on Valentines? That is pretty sweet, even if you had a little surprise organised as well coincidentally.

If I was him I probably wouldn’t put $1000 (wow) towards a 2nd proposal, unless you already had an understanding that he would do it again?

You just need to give him a break and open your eyes to how sweet what he did actually was.

Post # 10
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I can understand your frustration. If anyone asks, I would just tell about both proposals. But now you have to tell us how your $1000 proposal played out!

Post # 11
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Is there not part of you that has read that back and thought how silly it sounds!

The guy has asked you to marry him and spend the rest of your life with him and you sound as if thats not good enough.

Goodness there are some women out there that spend their whole lives looking for someone that would ask them the same question…..

 

Post # 12
Member
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

I don’t get it. If you proposed to him, why did he propose to you?

Post # 14
Member
1508 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@lealorali:  I think he probably proposed to her as well so that he didn’t feel like he was immasculated. Generally it is the guy who proposes to the girl, and he might have felt like he wasnt doing his job or manning up, and needed to propose to her as well. He probably wanted her to have a ring too. And who knows, maybe he had already planned an engagement, but when she proposed to him it might have just thrown off his whole mojo.

Post # 15
Member
1508 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@notestasiskis:  I, personally, wouldn’t mention me proposing to him if people asked. It might make him feel like less of a man, or make people think that he just did it because he felt pressured by your proposal (even if thats not the case). I would just say “after a romantic valentines day dinner, he proposed to me with his mothers ring. It was really sweet, and I am so glad that his mother loves me enough to give me her ring.”

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