(Closed) Ruined my own proposal, now I feel like a bitch (Long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 33
1332 posts
Bumble bee

@notestasiskis:  I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. I certainly don’t think you are being a b*tch. The thing that is eating you is that you are thinking he didn’t put thought into it. That is the important thing to us ladies. Sounds like you set the bar pretty high with your proposal to him. In a perfect world he would have outdone you some way. I totally get where you are coming from and I sympathize.

I would bet you though that he sweated asking you a lot! He was probably so nervous and it was the only thing on his mind. I’m sure it was terrifying for him to try to come up with something as good as you did. Guys do think about us and they do care even if they don’t show it.

I wish you all the best…you sound like an awesome couple and I agree with previous posters that you have a cool story to tell your grandkids.   

Post # 34
652 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@notestasiskis:  well, you can’t rewind time unfortunately. while I understand your proposal was a lackluster, bottomline is, he proposed right? Is there something he can do to make up for it? If not, can you find it in your heart to drop it and move on, and enjoy the next phase? 

Post # 35
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I don’t get this double proposal thing. You’d already proposed, he’d already accepted, the only thing left to do was for him to get you a ring – is that right? Why would you expect him to “propose” when the deal was already sealed? Very confusing . . . presenting a ring to your fiancee is not a proposal, it’s a ring presentation.

Post # 36
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Men and women sometimes think very differently about what is “romantic” or “the right way” to do things. When my husband proposed to me he basically followed an outline of how I had told my sister I had always wanted to be proposed to. In the end, I knew when it was happening and I was disappointed. I realize I really shouln’t have been so specific and just kind of let him do it how he wanted to, even if it was just sitting in his bedroom. If anyone asks I’ll play it up like it was super romantic – because it was, don’t get me wrong, he totally tried to make it special and awesome and eveything I’d said I wanted – but I ruined it for myself. I had felt like I let myself down for awhile after it happened.

About a year after the proposal I ended up admitting to him that I felt like I’d ruined this once-in-a-lifetime moment for myself and it made me feel angry. On top of that, I felt like I was never really getting any romance from him, and little things that I wanted to feel special. My husband would say he had a surprise for me and it would end up being a bust, or not what he would build it up to me. Just like a total romance fail. After I admitted to him how I felt about the proposal (my fault), things changed a little. He put together an amazing surprise for our first wedding anniversary (which was last week on V-day) and he basically did all of that to show me that just because I felt let down about the proposal didn’t mean that all of my big once-in-a-lifetime romantic moments were over. He really left me with a memory to cherish! I know my writing all of this doesn’t necessarily help solve your feelings, but I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in being disappointed with a proposal, and there are people that can relate to what you’re going through.

Post # 37
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’ve posted this before, but my DH proposed to me while I was doing the dishes (yep, big ‘ol yellow gloves and all). It was just so….him! I still smile when i think about it. So hopefully that makes yours a little more bearable!

Post # 38
413 posts
Helper bee

i am not engaged yet. however, i already have anxiety about what will go down. i’m really sorry you feel so let down 🙁 however, you are so lucky. if this is the love of your life, being engaged is the best prize. i always see engagement stories on pinterest…honestly, i’m not even sure if i want something like that. as long as he meant it, you are one lucky girl! anyways, whenever I think of a normal proposal i think of when Jim proposed to Pam on the office. and whenever i watch that episode i start to tear up. so i can only imagine how i would feel if that was my SO. sorry if you aren’t an office fan, that is just one of my favorite TV proposals.

Post # 39
1218 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I know the feeling. My FI’s proposal was SO underwhelming – I knew he had the ring and thought we’d go out to dinner or a picnic, but he ended up just giving the ring to me one morning – while in his undies – and saying ‘well you know I want to marry you so let’s do it’. He didn’t even get down on one knee! Of course, I was excited to be engaged, but after a while I became very disappointed with the proposal, especially after hearing friends’ stories of the romantic proposals they received. I didn’t necessarily want him to spend money – just do something that said ‘I’ve put a lot of thought into this moment and it is important’. I felt like he’d put no thought at all into it.

Finally, we talked it out and he told me he HAD been thinking about it a lot, and had been driving himself insane with stress over not being able to afford an expensive dinner and being too anxious to propose in public (don’t know why, it’s not like I was going to say no!). Eventually the stress got too much and he just wanted it over with. It might not have been ideal, but you ARE engaged now and you can plan a wedding together that is as romantic as you have always dreamed of.

Post # 40
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Well first of all, are you actually a woman op? We’re all assuming here, but you might be in a same sex couple? Anyway, moral of the story is: don’t plan your own proposal, and stop watching cheesy Hollywood rom-coms!

Post # 41
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I’m sorry your experience was disappointing. But I would be really hesistant to bring this up with your fiance. It sounds to me like he deliberately decided to do something low-key because he didn’t want it to seem like he was competing with your previous proposal. And maybe it’s just more his style. But there’s nothing he can do about it now; if he redoes it, probably won’t feel very authentic. Maybe you could both plan a series of dates in which you do creative things for planning your wedding. 

Post # 42
3680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@notestasiskis:  “I planned and put together this incredible proposal, cost me roughly $1000 total. Now I feel awful because I can’t help but compare mine to his, where he payed nothing.”

It really seems like this is a lot about money with you. He cooked you dinner, he said he had been waiting all night for the right time to propose. You said you surprised him with an activity that night, maybe he had been planning something else but he didn’t have a chance to do it? It just seems like there are a lot of unknowns here. If you proposed to him, I don’t think you can expect a big YouTube-style proposal. Similarly, because you chose to drop a big chunk of change on a purebred cat as an “engagement gift” to your Fiance, I don’t think you can expect him to reciprocate and spend a lot of money on this second proposal.

Post # 43
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I get what you’re saying about the proposal.  My Fiance proposed to me in my crappy apartment, after I’d had a long day at school, and no chance to shower or even fix my hair.  He even forgot to actually ask the question, just stood there holding the ring awkwardly – ha!  I got over it telling it as a funny story (the whole forgetting to pop the question was my angle), and leave out the rest…I only had to admit the underwhelming details to my closest friends, and only because they asked me outright.

Post # 45
82 posts
Worker bee


I just feel bad. I know in the long run, it won’t matter, but right now, I feel like the worst fiancee on the face of the planet.

Yes, you should feel like that.  This is incredibly petty.  Your man should get to read this.  Then maybe he will know what type of woman he is marrying.  This shouldn’t be a contest, and he was not on notice that it would be a contest to you.  

Post # 46
24 posts
  • Wedding: February 2014

Big Picture: He proposed, you have a ring, you’re getting married.

Small Picture: It wasn’t exactly how you imagined it to be.

I know it feels as though it matters but the end result is the same & if anything, you’ve got a unique story to tell because you both proposed to each other! Try not to sweat the small stuff 🙂

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