(Closed) Ruined my own proposal, now I feel like a bitch (Long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@notestasiskis: “Yes, I’m a woman and why shouldn’t I propose to the man I want to marry? So many women sit around waiting and I suppose I’m to do the same?”

I still don’t get it. If you proposed to him and he accepted, why did he need to create yet another proposal?

You make the case that it’s very OK for a women to propose to a man (and I agree), but then you turn around and imply that a woman’s proposal isn’t “equal” to a man’s proposal, because after he’s accepted, he’s expected to propose back to you at some point??? And your proposal doesn’t “stick” until he’s made his duplicate one? Is that what you’re saying?

If so, then why don’t you think all women should propose back to the men that proposed to them, if you think men and women can both propose?

This whole thing is so totally and completely nutty I have no idea what to make of it.

Post # 49
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Well, I still don’t get it. I’ve NEVER heard of women proposing back to men whose earlier proposal they’ve already accepted. I think you’ve created a very silly scenario here with your double proposal expectations, and I would urge you to just back off and be happy that he followed through with this ridiculous promise.

Post # 51
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

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@notestasiskis:  Please note that it does appear silly and ridiculous to others, such as myself and 
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@wahine777.  Of course it wasn’t silly and ridiculous to you; otherwise, why would you have done it?  But when you request feedback on an open forum, do consider how third parties, who do not have the privilege of being inside your head, interpret the circumstances as you have described them.

 

Post # 53
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

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@notestasiskis:  Alright, here’s advice on how to deal: GET OVER IT.

 

Post # 54
Member
1070 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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@tcgstar:  I totally agree. The proposal is a very momentous occasion in a girl’s life, but it is technically just a question. The REAL question happens at the ceremony and usually ends with an “I do”. That’s the important part ๐Ÿ™‚

I thought my Fiance would propose on New Year’s Eve. I got my hair and makeup done, I had my sister’s GORGEOUS floor length silk and lace dress sent to Hawaii from Chicago and we got two tickets to the premier cocktail cruise around Honolulu Harbor.

Midnight came and went. We saw all the fireworks across the South shore. Two humpback whales surfaced right next to our boat as we toasted the new year…

NOTHING.

When did he propose you ask? The next day. When I was hung over. And hadn’t washed my face or hair. We were hiking, so I was sweaty and in ugly shorts and an old tshirt.

The proposal will be special because he felt that it was the perfect time. Don’t let what “society” thinks is important be what creates the attitude for you. I see all these posts on Pinterest saying “The 6 rules before your propose” and it’s stuff like, “use my full name”, “make it a surprise”, “have a photographer there”… yadda yadda yadda. That’s just a fairy tale. It’s not YOUR love story.

Your proposal sounds beautiful. But don’t compare. When he gets a raise and you dont, do you compare? You did what you thought was special and so did he. It will all be part of your story in the end. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 55
Member
1180 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Hahaha, your proposal sounds great! Congratulations.

Post # 56
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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@notestasiskis:  Maybe I’m in the minority here, but I think your feelings are totally valid.  This isn’t about money, this is about the fact that he put little to no effort on one of the most important memories you will have in your entire lifetime. 

He could have written you a poem, he could sing you a song, he could have filled a room with balloons and had a note inside each one about why he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.  He could have made a scavenger hunt, he could have re-created your first date, and he could have taken you somewhere new to make new memories.  He didn’t do any of that.

In the future, not right away, I think you should be honest with him.  He won’t know what you want unless you tell him- men are bad mind readers.  Maybe he can do something more sentimental for your first wedding anniversary?  It won’t fix it because people will ask how he popped the question a lot more than how he celebrated X holiday, but last time I checked thoughtful gestures are always lovely, not only for proposals

The bee is a place to vent when you are down, sorry so many bees are being so judgey. 

Wishing you the best!

P.S. I’m a waiting bee so I don’t have a personal experience but I would want SO to put some effort into it!  I have had multiple close friends disappointed with their thoughtless/effortless proposals, so I know you aren’t alone.

Post # 57
Member
8 posts
Newbee

@notestasiskis   HEY!! WHAT’S WRONG ABOUT BEING A BRONY?!?!?!

I am a brony thank you very much!!

I would be happy to have a brony as a husband because it’s like finding someone who has the same super unpopular opinions as you (like people who get scared watching a horror movie even a PG-13 horror movie and plural relationships.) 

Plus where I’m from a country bumpkin, redneck, “SWAGGIE”, and anti anything that they don’t consider “holy” or “a right way to live” it’s tough meeting a person who loves the same “unnatural, sinful, and all out wrong” things as you.

 

Post # 58
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Maybe the reason he didn’t do anything amazing for “his” proposal is that he didn’t want to try to overshadow yours?????

I can see how he maybe wanted to “propose” to you with that ring considering it meant so much but decided to do it merely as courtesy due to your original proposal which I guess was the real one

Post # 59
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Both myself and Fiance were drunk when he proposed.  I barely remember it.  And he’d already let slip the night before what his original proposal plans were, and thanks to me not working, and him having to support me,  he couldn’t afford it.   He couldn’t even afford to buy me any sort of ring.  I ended up finding one myself on ebay that cost £50 (approx $75).

Tbh, I’m still disappointed by the way it happened.  I’ve never had the whole romantic proposal ‘thing’ and I’ve been married twice before!   I have to agree with people that redoing it is just silly and pointless.  You are still engaged, you both still want to get married, embrace and enjoy those facts! 

Post # 60
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My proposal was sort of similar.  We had been talking about marriage and rings and things for a while, but I kind of felt like I was the main one wanting it (my fiance is super laid-back and not one to make a lot of decisions, get excited about things, etc.).  And I even jokingly proposed to him on Leap Day after surprising him with dinner and a kind of childish, construction paper banner, then blowing it off saying it’s a tradition, blah blah when he didn’t take me seriously or have much of a reaction at all.  About a month later, he talked more about looking at rings, and I was the one who researched types of stones, settings, metals, and everything and even picked out my own ring.  I feel like he halfway got the idea of proposing on vacation on the beach because I had mentioned it in a list of places he might do it–looking for hints.  And the whole vacation, I was expecting it.  The night I just knew it would happen, dinner took three hours because of the crazy wait and by then, it was too late.  I cried.  I was so upset because that left only one more night to do it, so I knew when it would be, I knew how he would do it, etc.  I just felt the whole thing had been ruined.  When he finally proposed with a little poem, he immediately wanted to go back to the condo to show his parents.  Again, I felt the moment was ruined because I just wanted a whole minute to myself to enjoy this, to cry, to hug him, and to stare at my ring under the flashlight on the shore.

 

To this day, I feel like I’m the main one who has pushed for anything in our relationship, especially that we’re getting married.  But when I think logically, I realize it’s just a bunch of insecurity on my part.

 

Unfortunately, a lot of it is insecurity.  Boys are stupid–plain and simple.  They’re not always romantic, they’re not always cutesy and adorable (or at least mine isn’t… but Lord knows he tries in his own way… Haha).  Maybe to your fiance, this was a romantic, intimate, special moment just the two of you.  Maybe he thought the proposal itself didn’t need a fancy night.  It just shows how the two of you are different (or shows how clearly men and women think differently), and you need to trust that he loves you, and he tried. ๐Ÿ™‚  

 

I hope any part of my rambling helped you, sweetie.  Some of us just weren’t blessed with those super cutesy, thoughtful, romantic men, but I love mine just the same. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 60
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

You sound like you have a bit of a similar personality to me: planner, about the experience, thoughtful, and gift giving love language. So hopefully I can give you some perspective.

My Fiance proposed to me on HIS birthday. He’d spent the night before at my place and I cooked an awesome breakfast with bacon and funfetti pancakes that I put a candle in, I got all dolled up, we went to see his family, and then as part of his gift we went to see the new Star Wars movie (2 movies ago now lol) at the IMAX theater in the air and space smithsonian. On our way home from D.C. I wanted to go straight out to dinner, but he insisted we stop back at my house. He’d given his mom his spare key and had her set up his proposal stuff. For the purpose of this post I’m not sharing what that included, because it doesn’t matter.

Here’s why that was so meaningful. He KNOWS I’m the planner and he’s not, so he was thoughtful enough about it to realize I’d suspect a proposal if he randomly planned something special. I was completely surprised, because I’d made all the plans that day. Also, he had been planning for months and snuck in a lunch with my dad and enlisted his family to assist in logistics. I’m sure your Fiance truly did put thought into why that timing was right for you two and I can only imagine the thoughtful time he put in with his family when it came to asking for your ring. He’d at least been thinking about this since your proposal, if not longer, and the man that loves you felt this was the right time and the right way.

You’re different people with different things that make you great and that you love about each other. Try to see that in his proposal and don’t compare it to yours. It’s a separate special experience in your relationship and how great is it that you have both?!

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