Ruined my relationship with my insecurities?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
4254 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You are blaming yourself for something that was inevitable.  You would have broken up no matter what.  He was just using that as an excuse, and it sounds like you weren’t the best match anymore.  It happens all the time.  Be sad, mourn what the relationship was, and move on.

Post # 3
1012 posts
Bumble bee

It counds like the two of you just weren’t a match – it’s something people figure out as the relationship progresses. It’s no ones fault!

Post # 4
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

He’s not blameless. It seems like convincing you that you were 100% responsible for what was wrong with the relationship was his MO, and it worked. You may have made mistakes, but you did not sabotage a perfectly happy relationship with a perfect guy. Give yourself time to move on, and you’ll realize this.

Post # 5
7852 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think you need to stop blaming yourself for everything. I really think any woman in your shoes would have felt insecure here. It sounds like your boyfriend completely took you for granted–no thanks or acknowledgement when you watched his dog for a solid month? And whenever you tried to talk to him about how that made you feel, he schemingly made himself the victim by saying “you make me feel like a terrible boyfriend.” Like sorry dude, if you dont’ want to feel like a terrible boyfriend, maybe stop acting like one?? Jesus.

I actually had to wonder at some point in reading your update whether you were dating my ex, because he used to say that exact thing to me when I’d complain to him about certain things he did–“you make me feel like a bad boyfriend.” He’d rather focus on how my comments made him feel than on the substance of what I was actually saying. That’s because he’s emotionally stunted, self centered, and a fundamentally un-empathetic person. Your bf sounds the same.

Were you really happy in this relationship–I mean except for the first few months together, which I’m sure were blissful? Because it sounds like more often than not you were insecure, anxious, and just kind of miserable. And your bf is trying to make you believe that’s a result of your own issues–when it’s really his behavior that caused you to feel that way. 

The reason I ask is because I think you can do a lot better. Hell, being single for the rest of your life would be a lot better than dating someone who makes you feel less than, who takes you for granted and blatantly flirts with other women in front of you and then accuses YOU of being insane and insecure when you express your discomfort about that. 

I know it doens’t feel like it now, but this guy did you a favor by ending things. Let him go his way–I really believe people like him will never experience the true joy of a healthy relationship because their own selfishness will always get in the way. You can and will do much better!

Post # 6
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

you guys aren’t compatible.  He isn’t blameless, but neither are you.  In the end, what needed to happen had happened and I think you deserve to move forward.  Give yourself time to grieve but not too much and then be open to the possibilities. 

Post # 7
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Anyone would start to get insecure if their partner preferred porn to sex with them, and flirted with other women while he “forgot” about them. I think you can and will do better. If your next guy is loving and kind and you still feel insecure, then you can perhaps go and talk to someone. But the things you describe are not normal in a loving relationship and I think he was just looking for an excuse to break up. Sending hugs. 

Post # 8
2706 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Honestly he doesn’t sound like all that much of a great guy, and you are totally not 100% to blame in this situation.  It sounds like he’s gaslit you into believing that it’s all your fault. Move on and find someone better!

Post # 9
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

No he’s really in the wrong. He asked her to dance to make you snap so that he could gaslight you. Honestly good riddance. He sounds like a peach. And he was flirting with those women. It’s totally possible to be friends but let’s be real, that’s not what he was doing. You are so much better off.

you didn’t ruin shit, he did. Good luck. 

Post # 10
910 posts
Busy bee

He sounds like a twat. 

Post # 11
664 posts
Busy bee

I hope you realize that he was gaslighting you. You don’t deserve that. Like that time with the food and drinks. He made you feel like the crazy girlfriend, overreacting and demanding you go home instead of addressing the issue. If this happened between me and by partner, he would have apologized for how me treated me and made me feel before he even tried to justify it. Instead, you ex reacted by effectively punishing you for feeling the way you do.

I don’t think you ruined a relationship. If he found your level of insecurity a character flaw, you guys just weren’t a good character match. If you think it’s a problem, you can work on that for the future but it wasn’t anything you did in particular.

It seems to me that you guys were already on the downhill when the time these events occurred. Some people can tolerate a bit of insecurity but some can’t tolerate any. Nothing you spoke about sounds unreasonable so I think he just had a low tolerance. If that was so, he should have ended it sooner. Instead, he stayed stayed in the relationship long enough that he started getting the wandering eye, making the problem even worse and the both of you more miserable. 

Post # 13
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

coffeegirl985 :  He’s a jerk. It hurts now, but not forever. Promise!

Post # 14
106 posts
Blushing bee

No you didnt ruin your relationship with your insecurities. HE ruined it by being a brat. I’m sorry but suggesting to your partner “hey, I don’t really feel comfortable with you dancing with other women” and “we haven’t been that intimate lately and it’s effecting my self esteem, let’s work on finding ways to be more intimate together” is not an insecurity. It’s just a part of being in a relationship. Couples do thinks that bother the other and it’s only normal to bring it up and sort it out. Now, maybe your delivery was key here but from what I’ve read what you were telling/asking him was perfectly reasonable and normal. He just didn’t want to admit that he wasn’t as perfect as he believes so instead of working out a way to resolve the issue he threw it back on you about ‘never being happy’, ‘making him feel like a terrible boyfriend’ etc.

I’m sorry this happened to you but believe the bees when we tell you it’s for the better. Because it really is. This guy sounded like a self-absorbed, manipulative brat.

Post # 15
8809 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

coffeegirl985 :  Not everyone you date is going to be the one you marry. There’s no shame in dating a few months and then realizing “hm, he isn’t what I thought he was” or “I don’t like what this is becoming.” That’s not a failure. If you feel that (or he does) and break up, then that is actually successful dating. If you feel that (or he does) and you keep seeing each other, that’s the failure. You gave someone a shot, he realized (sooner than you) that you’re not compatible, and now you have a chance to move on to someone better. Relationship’s shouldn’t be hard, especially only a few months in.

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