Post # 1
I know there are other posts on here about getting past breakups. But how do you get past it when you feel you were the one who ruined the relationship, and he got tired of it and fell out of love? I can’t get past hating myself for that because I feel like I lost a great, easygoing guy. He started doing some things in the end that bothered me, and the more I would bring it up the less he would be in love with me and want to try. I know I am insecure with myself, and he is much more outgoing than I am. Silly little things bothered me like when I was waiting for our food and he went inside to get us drinks, when it finally came out it was too much for one person to carry so someone had to help me with it and I saw him still standing there talking/laughing with the girl behind the bar and he said “oh I forgot you were waiting.” I should have left it alone but I mentioned he was flirting and he got mad, wouldn’t talk to me the rest of the night and told me to go home. He said he’s just friendly to all people and I’m insecure and jealous. I’ve felt he’s less affectionate and physical towards me, after I’ve brought it up several times he admitted my behavior doesn’t make him want to be close to me. I’ve tried to talk to him about his porn watching, and asked if it was affecting our physical relationship because he admits to watching it but gets too tired to do things when we are together (which I would see him a couple times a week). I would bring up not feeling appreciated and he said I made him feel like a terrible boyfriend. While he was working for a month straight I came over to take care of his dog and take it on walks, brought groceries, left notes, all while taking care of my own responsibilities at home and not seeing him. I told him I didn’t feel very appreciated and a small note would have made me feel seen and appreciated. Then he tells me I’m just never happy with anything. Anyway, back to the porn there were several days of silence after I explained that I struggle with not feeling pretty enough and comparing myself/feeling like he doesn’t want me. Then I invited him to go dancing, I have been asking for months and he always says no, that he is very uncomfortable around people who are better dancers and does not like dancing (even though he took me dancing early in our relationship). This time he said ok and we went. He danced one song with me then we met this nice girl and started talking to her. He told me to go buy me and her a drink. When I came back he asked her to dance and I sat and watched. It hurt seeing him have so much fun dancing with her…he looked happy and I’ll admit I was a little jealous because I know how hard it is to agree to get him to dance with me. He came back and asked me to dance to one more song but my mood was different, I went out there but I was sad. Later I said why would you do that, and he said you are always unhappy with something, your insecurities have ruined our relationship, and I’ve lost all feelings for you. Broke up with me right there.
He told me he loved me a month or two in, and then several months later in an argument said he was waiting to fall in love with me. I didn’t understand what the difference was. He said when you fall in love with someone you want to marry them, but you can love your family and friend. Ok, but the way we said it to each other in intimate times it felt like relationship love. After that he stopped saying it as much, but occasionally would look at me and say “I love you.” I won’t lie, it felt good to hear but I doubted it and now he says I never believed him when he said he loved me but he says he loved me very much.
Sorry that was so long but I’ve been beating myself up wondering if I have been the one to ruin this relationship and guess I need an unbiased eye. I just feel like I have a problem bringing too many things up and lost out on someone who used to love me.
Post # 2
You are blaming yourself for something that was inevitable. You would have broken up no matter what. He was just using that as an excuse, and it sounds like you weren’t the best match anymore. It happens all the time. Be sad, mourn what the relationship was, and move on.
Post # 3
It counds like the two of you just weren’t a match – it’s something people figure out as the relationship progresses. It’s no ones fault!
Post # 4
He’s not blameless. It seems like convincing you that you were 100% responsible for what was wrong with the relationship was his MO, and it worked. You may have made mistakes, but you did not sabotage a perfectly happy relationship with a perfect guy. Give yourself time to move on, and you’ll realize this.
Post # 5
I think you need to stop blaming yourself for everything. I really think any woman in your shoes would have felt insecure here. It sounds like your boyfriend completely took you for granted–no thanks or acknowledgement when you watched his dog for a solid month? And whenever you tried to talk to him about how that made you feel, he schemingly made himself the victim by saying “you make me feel like a terrible boyfriend.” Like sorry dude, if you dont’ want to feel like a terrible boyfriend, maybe stop acting like one?? Jesus.
I actually had to wonder at some point in reading your update whether you were dating my ex, because he used to say that exact thing to me when I’d complain to him about certain things he did–“you make me feel like a bad boyfriend.” He’d rather focus on how my comments made him feel than on the substance of what I was actually saying. That’s because he’s emotionally stunted, self centered, and a fundamentally un-empathetic person. Your bf sounds the same.
Were you really happy in this relationship–I mean except for the first few months together, which I’m sure were blissful? Because it sounds like more often than not you were insecure, anxious, and just kind of miserable. And your bf is trying to make you believe that’s a result of your own issues–when it’s really his behavior that caused you to feel that way.
The reason I ask is because I think you can do a lot better. Hell, being single for the rest of your life would be a lot better than dating someone who makes you feel less than, who takes you for granted and blatantly flirts with other women in front of you and then accuses YOU of being insane and insecure when you express your discomfort about that.
I know it doens’t feel like it now, but this guy did you a favor by ending things. Let him go his way–I really believe people like him will never experience the true joy of a healthy relationship because their own selfishness will always get in the way. You can and will do much better!
Post # 6
you guys aren’t compatible. He isn’t blameless, but neither are you. In the end, what needed to happen had happened and I think you deserve to move forward. Give yourself time to grieve but not too much and then be open to the possibilities.
Post # 7
Anyone would start to get insecure if their partner preferred porn to sex with them, and flirted with other women while he “forgot” about them. I think you can and will do better. If your next guy is loving and kind and you still feel insecure, then you can perhaps go and talk to someone. But the things you describe are not normal in a loving relationship and I think he was just looking for an excuse to break up. Sending hugs.
Post # 8
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Honestly he doesn’t sound like all that much of a great guy, and you are totally not 100% to blame in this situation. It sounds like he’s gaslit you into believing that it’s all your fault. Move on and find someone better!
Post # 9
No he’s really in the wrong. He asked her to dance to make you snap so that he could gaslight you. Honestly good riddance. He sounds like a peach. And he was flirting with those women. It’s totally possible to be friends but let’s be real, that’s not what he was doing. You are so much better off.
you didn’t ruin shit, he did. Good luck.
Post # 11
I hope you realize that he was gaslighting you. You don’t deserve that. Like that time with the food and drinks. He made you feel like the crazy girlfriend, overreacting and demanding you go home instead of addressing the issue. If this happened between me and by partner, he would have apologized for how me treated me and made me feel before he even tried to justify it. Instead, you ex reacted by effectively punishing you for feeling the way you do.
I don’t think you ruined a relationship. If he found your level of insecurity a character flaw, you guys just weren’t a good character match. If you think it’s a problem, you can work on that for the future but it wasn’t anything you did in particular.
It seems to me that you guys were already on the downhill when the time these events occurred. Some people can tolerate a bit of insecurity but some can’t tolerate any. Nothing you spoke about sounds unreasonable so I think he just had a low tolerance. If that was so, he should have ended it sooner. Instead, he stayed stayed in the relationship long enough that he started getting the wandering eye, making the problem even worse and the both of you more miserable.
Post # 12
Thank you everyone. Even if we weren’t a good match and there were things that bothered me it’s still hard for me to get over, but your insight helps. I guess I have had a hard time seeing how he acts so friendly around everyone else but doesn’t seem happy around me and I was wondering how I ruined that. I tend to cry too much and one night he came over saying he’d spend the night (we live in the same city but I always go over there) and it was the day after my parents said they’re getting a divorce after 30 years (he knew). Around 1am I was going to go to bed and he said I’m not tired yet, I’m leaving. Well as he was walking out I started crying and didn’t want to be left alone while I was processing everything. He said it was just a joke, he wasn’t leaving and I was using the divorce as an excuse. At that time it really bothered me he said that but after similar circumstances happened (me crying, me reading into jokes too much or getting offended) I started to question myself and why I’m so sensitive, because he’s said he’s happy until I do something like that or bring things up.
Post # 13
coffeegirl985 : He’s a jerk. It hurts now, but not forever. Promise!
Post # 14
No you didnt ruin your relationship with your insecurities. HE ruined it by being a brat. I’m sorry but suggesting to your partner “hey, I don’t really feel comfortable with you dancing with other women” and “we haven’t been that intimate lately and it’s effecting my self esteem, let’s work on finding ways to be more intimate together” is not an insecurity. It’s just a part of being in a relationship. Couples do thinks that bother the other and it’s only normal to bring it up and sort it out. Now, maybe your delivery was key here but from what I’ve read what you were telling/asking him was perfectly reasonable and normal. He just didn’t want to admit that he wasn’t as perfect as he believes so instead of working out a way to resolve the issue he threw it back on you about ‘never being happy’, ‘making him feel like a terrible boyfriend’ etc.
I’m sorry this happened to you but believe the bees when we tell you it’s for the better. Because it really is. This guy sounded like a self-absorbed, manipulative brat.
Post # 15
coffeegirl985 : Not everyone you date is going to be the one you marry. There’s no shame in dating a few months and then realizing “hm, he isn’t what I thought he was” or “I don’t like what this is becoming.” That’s not a failure. If you feel that (or he does) and break up, then that is actually successful dating. If you feel that (or he does) and you keep seeing each other, that’s the failure. You gave someone a shot, he realized (sooner than you) that you’re not compatible, and now you have a chance to move on to someone better. Relationship’s shouldn’t be hard, especially only a few months in.