Post # 1
My boyfriend and I are expecting our first little one in December, and planning on getting a place of our own again soon since we are staying at my parents for the time being.
I was told by a couple of family members that he had been planning to propose in the month of august, but we never went to look at rings, we hadn’t really talked about it at all, we’ve been really stressed and busy trying to get things together, so I didn’t really put much thought into it, I honestly didn’t think he was going to because of all of the stress lately.
last night we got into a pretty heated argument, which is very rare for us. We never fight. We were arguing in the car for two hours on our way home from our friends’ house, and they had let us know about some nasty things being said about the baby and I by his family who is not involved. I have been by his side through the drama with his family for the past year, so I was feeling a little disrespected. The argument was not letting up by the time we got home and I was so very tired and my head was pounding (ive been sick). He kept calling me “his future wife,” which isn’t exactly a bad thing to call your lady? But he was saying it so guilt-trippingly, and I was emotional and tired and I said, “I don’t know where you get that right to keep calling me your fiancée when you haven’t put any effort into making that so. I’m not just some woman like that.”
He got super upset and told me he was planning to ask me on the anniversary of the first day we met (august 30). I got more upset that he told me that and now I felt “planned”. So because he has the weirdest timing of anybody, he told me about a failed thought of proposal to this terrible girl from when he was in high school. sigh.
I told him forget about it. I don’t want it.
He was beside himself upset, and so was I. We winded up laying down and going to bed, and now I just don’t know what to do. We’re the perfect team, he’s my best friend in the whole world. I want to marry him more than anything, I love him so very much, but the whole thing just seems so messed up now. I’m scared that because I told him forget it, that he never will now.
I don’t know what to do. any advice on the situation or personal thoughts would he helpful. Sorry for the long post, just wanted to give a bit of the background. Thanks. 🙂
Post # 2
If you really love him, want to spend your life with him, think you’re the perfect team… why would you let this stop you from marrying him? So you had an argument and he slipped and told his plans for proposal. Did it ruin the surprise? Sure. But is it something to cancel an engagement over?? No way. You seriously told him you don’t want him proposing at all because he told you his plans. And because it “felt planned”. Well… proposals are supposed
to be planned out, right? I’d let the steam cool from the argument and look at it objectively. Do you want to marry him? Then let it go. Tell him “I know I said I don’t want a proposal now but I got caught in the heat of the moment. Of course I still want to marry you” and maybe suggest he choose a different day to propose? Idk, this seems a little over dramatic to me.
Post # 3
Heated arguments are never fun and always frustrating. But at the end of the day they’re just that: isolated arguments.
Judging by your post it sounds like you and your SO are generally, and most often, very happy and work well together. So this situation is definitely the exception and not the rule.
The day-to-day stress of coordinatin schedules, living together, sharing expenses, and getting ready to raise a child can be extremely overwhelming and anxiety provoking. Your mind is constantly filled with “What if’s”, second guessing, and the strive for perfection so adding in a disagreement to that mix can make it blow up very quickly.
My Fiance and I don’t have children yet but we do have the ocassional spat. When it gets bad we have a rule: take 15 and then regroup. So take 15 minutes to ourselves. Whether that means going out, reading a book, staying inside, taking a walk, etc. we make sure to calm down and give each other space. After fifteen minutes goes by things don’t feel as charged or urgent. Then we can speak to each other in more rational terms.
I know 15 minutes doesn’t seem like a lot but having to sit with your own angry thoughts for that amount of time actually works well to bring around a resolution. Often I find myself wondering why I got so upset rather than just speak coolly about it.
In all honesty I don’t think your relationship is lost. I think you two had a huge shock of your first really, really, really big fight. Things were said out of the moment and ultimately regretted. I strongly suggest that you sit down again (maybe even prepare speaking points- helps to keep things on track) and explain how upset you are about it and what you really meant vs. what you actually said.
As you said, you two are a team, teams have ups and they have downs. It just matters how you recover from those downs.
I’m sorry you’re feeling so confused right now but best of luck bee! I’ll be sending good vibes!
Post # 4
Its not messed up. You guys both know you want to marry each other. If its an isolated case and you feel its a storm in a tea cup then everyone gets miffed after a row. Just say what you’ve said to us. “We’re the perfect team, he’s my best friend in the whole world. I want to marry him more than anything, I love him so very much”
I’m sure he’ll be relieved you’ve reached out. You can tell him how wonderful it will be to be his wife and you adore that hes already thought about it and made plans. Then just get on with loving each other. Its a beautiful time and you can enjoy your ‘secret’ engagement if you like to call it that and he gets to call the shots on when you both make it ‘official’.
Post # 5
You were both worked up and then decided to delve into a sensitive subject… which is not the most productive course of action. You probably still love each other. Talk to him again when you calm down.
Post # 6
Wait…was he going to propose to you the same way he was going to propose the other girl?
Post # 7
I think there’s still hope! It sounds like the argument just kept escalating. I bet now that you’ve both cooled off, you can work it out.