(Closed) Ruined proposal?

posted 5 years ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
2730 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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mamabunny:  If you really love him, want to spend your life with him, think you’re the perfect team… why would you let this stop you from marrying him? So you had an argument and he slipped and told his plans for proposal. Did it ruin the surprise? Sure. But is it something to cancel an engagement over?? No way. You seriously told him you don’t want him proposing at all because he told you his plans. And because it “felt planned”. Well… proposals are supposed to be planned out, right? I’d let the steam cool from the argument and look at it objectively. Do you want to marry him? Then let it go. Tell him “I know I said I don’t want a proposal now but I got caught in the heat of the moment. Of course I still want to marry you” and maybe suggest he choose a different day to propose? Idk, this seems a little over dramatic to me.

Post # 3
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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mamabunny: Heated arguments are never fun and always frustrating. But at the end of the day they’re just that: isolated arguments.

Judging by your post it sounds like you and your SO are generally, and most often, very happy and work well together. So this situation is definitely the exception and not the rule.

The day-to-day stress of coordinatin schedules, living together, sharing expenses, and getting ready to raise a child can be extremely overwhelming and anxiety provoking. Your mind is constantly filled with “What if’s”, second guessing, and the strive for perfection so adding in a disagreement to that mix can make it blow up very quickly.

My Fiance and I don’t have children yet but we do have the ocassional spat. When it gets bad we have a rule: take 15 and then regroup. So take 15 minutes to ourselves. Whether that means going out, reading a book, staying inside, taking a walk, etc. we make sure to calm down and give each other space. After fifteen minutes goes by things don’t feel as charged or urgent. Then we can speak to each other in more rational terms. 

I know 15 minutes doesn’t seem like a lot but having to sit with your own angry thoughts for that amount of time actually works well to bring around a resolution. Often I find myself wondering why I got so upset rather than just speak coolly about it.

In all honesty I don’t think your relationship is lost. I think you two had a huge shock of your first really, really, really big fight. Things were said out of the moment and ultimately regretted. I strongly suggest that you sit down again (maybe even prepare speaking points- helps to keep things on track) and explain how upset you are about it and what you really meant vs. what you actually said.

As you said, you two are a team, teams have ups and they have downs. It just matters how you recover from those downs.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so confused right now but best of luck bee! I’ll be sending good vibes!

Post # 4
Member
6243 posts
Bee Keeper

Its not messed up.  You guys both know you want to marry each other.  If its an isolated case and you feel its a storm in a tea cup then everyone gets miffed after a row.  Just say what you’ve said to us.  “We’re the perfect team, he’s my best friend in the whole world. I want to marry him more than anything, I love him so very much”

I’m sure he’ll be relieved you’ve reached out.  You can tell him how wonderful it will be to be his wife and you adore that hes already thought about it and made plans.  Then just get on with loving each other.  Its a beautiful time and you can enjoy your ‘secret’ engagement if you like to call it that and he gets to call the shots on when you both make it ‘official’.

Post # 5
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

You were both worked up and then decided to delve into a sensitive subject… which is not the most productive course of action.  You probably still love each other.  Talk to him again when you calm down. 

Post # 6
Member
1294 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Wait…was he going to propose to you the same way he was going to propose the other girl?

Post # 7
Member
7892 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think there’s still hope! It sounds like the argument just kept escalating. I bet now that you’ve both cooled off, you can work it out. 

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