- 3 years ago
- Wedding: September 2014
I’m a regular browser and occasional poster. I’m using a random account that I created a while back to avoid having it attached to my regular one. I’m looking for outside thoughts and opinions in addition to just needing a place to vent and get my thoughts out into the universe (hence the crazy length- I don’t blame anyone for not reading the whole thing).
I’m going crazy in my marriage right now and ruminate almost constantly about it. I’ve actually been ruminating pretty much since we got married two years ago, but in the past there were cycles of rumination mixed with equally long periods of relative peacefulness. Now I mostly just have a few hours or maybe a day at a time when I feel comfortable in this relationship.
My husband is a good guy- I trust that he won’t cheat, that he genuinely cares about me, and that he will always work hard to provide for our family unit (as do I). These are some core things that I value in a relationship so I think that I allowed some other important things to slide in the past. In fact, I use those same core values to make excuses in the present just to keep myself from going nuts on him.
I’m starting to lose it for several reasons. First, my husband is a gamer and he is on his X-box CONSTANTLY. I recognize that he works hard and needs an outlet for relaxation, but this is seriously out of control. While his gaming doesn’t interfere with work it does interfere with our relationship and his involvement in just about everything else. I truly do feel that it is an addiction. I have had many discussions with him to explain why this is a huge problem for me and he always acknowledges it for a day or so before reverting back to his usual ways.
The last time we talked about the x-box I made it very clear that I love him very much, but because I love him I want more from our relationship and I will not be able to live this way forever. I told him I didn’t know how long I could keep doing this so I wanted to make sure he had fair warning that this was such a big deal to me so he will not be blindsided when I decide that I need to move on. He literally started crying (not for me, but for his X-box!!!) because he got it into his head that he needed to throw the system away since he knew that he could not control himself if the temptation was there. I told him that I was absolutely not asking him to throw it away but that I just wanted a little more balance in our lives. He continued to cry and insisted that he needed to throw it away. I later found out that he simply hid it in a backpack for a while because I came home a few days later to find him gaming and the gaming hasn’t lifted since.
The other major issue is that he is a huge lazy slob (I would never call him names like this in person, by the way, in case anyone is wondering if I speak to him like that). I’m not sure what came first- the gaming addiction or the sloppiness; like did he get addicted to gaming because he is lazy or is he lazy because he is addicted to gaming? I am by no means a neat freak, but I do like my home to feel livable, to have clean clothes, nutritious meals, etc. My husband will seriously starve all day at work because he was too tired from going to bed late to get up in time for breakfast or to pack his lunch. He will then come home and play games while starving until I come home to make dinner for myself (I always share because I feel like it would be passive aggressive to not make extra, although I realize I am enabling him there).
Likewise, unless I do his laundry for him he will wear wrinkled, dirty clothes for weeks on end. Right now he is on week three and his jeans literally stink. We went to a crowded gathering with friends last weekend and one of the hosts came around to spray air freshener and said “It smells like gym shorts in here!” Of course, it was my husband. That was over a week ago and he still hasn’t done his laundry despite multiple opportunities and reminders from me. I used to do laundry for him but I’m just getting so tired of drowning in housework due to cleaning up after him and our pets all the time.
Bees, there are parallel scenarios in EVERY aspect of our marriage. His hygiene is horrendous and he will go days and days between showers (thank god he doesn’t get armpit odor. Lucky guy!). The gaming already interferes with our sex life, but even when he is engaged enough for intimacy I sometimes don’t want to pursue it if I know he hasn’t showered recently. Likewise, he never grocery shops, cleans, or helps with the animals. He loves cats and wanted to get one for a long time- I said fine as long as he helped feed it and took turns cleaning the litter box with me. He has cleaned the box twice since we got the cat and that was only because he could tell I was about to have a conniption.
I’m just so sad because I don’t feel like I have a partner. I want kids but I don’t want them with him (I used to, before we got married), and we are saving for our first house but I really don’t want to go through with buying it because of the above issues. Our finances are joined and when I finally opened up to my mom about this a few days ago she suggested that I start stashing away money which really surprised me since she is pretty anti-divorce. I feel totally paralyzed because I love him and look forward to seeing him after work, but once I’m back home I just get disgusted and annoyed and plot my fantasy elopement to some other living situation. My husband hides all of this so well from others and I bet that no one at his job would ever believe that he is like this at home since he is intelligent, dedicated, and driven. Ugh, I don’t know guys. I’m wanting out of this so badly on one hand but on the other I’m immediately afraid of what it would be like to lose him. He has been such a big part of my life for so long (8 years) and it would be hard to let go of our life together. When I think about letting go I immediately start minimizing the problems to “oh, gaming is just his hobby and stress relief” and, “so what if he is dirty, aren’t most guys?”
We have had many, many clear, rational, and deliberate discussions about these problems over the past two years. The lack of change is not due to a lack of communication by any means since he is very clear about what I need (aka balance and a partner) as well as the fact that I am not willing to do this indefinitely. I have recently started to understand 100% that nothing will ever change. Since I can’t live this way forever I am stuck with not knowing how or when to move forward with a separation. I’m not ready for it yet, but I’m terrified I’ll let myself get stuck in this only to regret looking back on my life when I’m old. I know that sooner is better than later since I’ve already tried to make this work for two years, but omg it is a hard thing to think about.