Ruminating about leaving 2 year marriage, but can't imagine following through

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

So sorry to hear this. For me there is really just one solution: he needs to get treated for his game addiction. Just as if it were a drugaddiction, the treatment is almost the same. The xbox needs to go indeed. And he will need to go into a program. After that, probably his other issues will disappear as well. 

Post # 3
Member
47202 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

sunbear :  Have you tried getting help from an objective third party aka a marriage counsellor?

Post # 4
Member
2592 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Second what julies1949 :  said. 

Hows communication as a whole? Did he ever live alone and then move in with you? Or has he been this lazy the whole time? Or is it really only since the marriage? 

Post # 5
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

I agree with PPs – he needs help for his addiction and the X-box has to go.  Otherwise nothing will ever change.  I suspect everything else will sort itself out once the gaming addiction has been dealt with.

Post # 6
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Maybe you need to have a legitimate intervention. Do any of  his family members see his behaviors as a problem? They could be helpful. I think the xbox needs to go immediately, but addiction counseling needs to also happen. Like I said, I would lay all of your issues on the table, tell him the system has to go immediately, he has to change his behaviors, seek counseling, or you’re going to need a trial separation…simple as that.

Post # 7
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

Surely all this didnt suddenly start after the wedding? How long were you with him before you married him? Usually these sort of things show themselves long before the knot is tied. 

He probably has an addiction but if you married him knowing all this, you just said by your very actions that it was okay and you were okay with his lifestyle. Granted he shouldnt be a total douche and should take regular showers.

I do have some questions though. Do you work or stay home? Is he the breadwinner?  Usually if someone works then the one who doesnt carries more of the house work. Like my husband is the primary breadwinner and works longer hours than I do so I do a majority of the housework. 

If he doesnt eat because he is on his games, then let him starve. I suspect though that you are going to have to put your foot down and get him to a counselor. 

Post # 9
Member
8866 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

sunbear :  He’s not going to change. Nobody suddenly starts showering and doing laundry at age 30 (-ish, I’m assuming). I’d leave before there are kids involved. There are probably a dozen men within a 10 mile radius who have all the same good qualities and who would also take care of the basic hygeine that any post-pubescent person should see as just a routine part of living. And who wouldn’t cry over the idea of playing their video game for a normal amount of time instead of an excessive and abnormal amount of time. He might be a good guy, but do you want to be this good guy’s mom for the rest of your life? I’d find a good guy who wants a wife and is ready to be a grown up husband in return. Let someone else fix this one.

ETA: Ok, I see in your update that you’re both 25. Still old enough to know when to shower, but I guess it’s worth it to see a counsellor before throwing in the towel. I’d give it one more year max though, and bullet-proof birth control. If he’s not voluntarily down to a reasonable amout of gaming and up to a reasonable amount of showering by then, cut bait.

Post # 11
Member
1485 posts
Bumble bee

Have you considered a trial seperation? One of you can get an apartment. You can have a break from cleaning up after him and maybe he can hit rock bottom. Hopefully he will realize what he lost and clean up his act. 

Post # 12
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Don’t let your career suffer.  Thinking about it, my next move in your shoes would be an in-home separation.  Treat him as a roommate – he needs to sleep on the couch/in the guest room, don’t cook for him, don’t clean for him, don’t do his laundry for him, don’t do anything for him you wouldn’t do for a roommate.  If he has to go to work in crumpled stinky clothes, starving all the time because you’ve stopped feeding him, it may jolt him into action.  Right now apart from you saying you need change, there’s nothing to provoke him to change.

Post # 13
Member
7905 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

He will never change if he never realizes that he has a gaming problem. Sometimes people have to learn lessons the hard way. If he plays as much as you say he does, I doubt he shares the same priorities as you. 

Post # 14
Member
47202 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would make counseling mandatory or I leave. If he’s not willing to deal with something he knows is a problem for you, he does not value the relationship.

Post # 15
Member
2776 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

sunbear :  no no no no no. MOST guys do not forego eating, sleeping or sex for gaming. MOST guys are not dirty. 

Time to draw a big, fat line in the sand and say “you either step up and shower every day, contribute to the household chores AND get help for your gaming addiction or I’m out by this date.”

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