(Closed) Ruminating about leaving 2 year marriage, but can't imagine following through

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

i truly hope you aren’t the same woman who posted (a while ago?) about her lazy SO that would refuse to let their pets outside, would leave rotting food and garbage around the house and wouldn’t pick up pet feces from the floor. if you aren’t, and i HOPE you aren’t, i’m pretty sure that will be in your future if you stay without intervention.   

i like the idea of sending this thread to him. and definitely have a real intervention. lay it all out for him. i also think you need to give him an ultimatum (which i normally feel very strongly against). he needs to admit he has real problems and needs to make big change and actually make real tangible progress with his lifestyle by [insert your chosen date]. you don’t even have to bring it up ever again past that if you don’t want to. you get to leave guilt free once that day comes and he doesn’t make progress. i’d start saving money now for when you’ll need it later. don’t even consider buying a house with him. i hate to offend, but are you nuts? just don’t do it.. on that note, don’t make any more joint financial or binding legal decisions with him.   start making progress to split everything instead.  

this reminds me of an Einstein quote: “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”  i’m sure you can figure out why i’m reminded of this.. 

i agree with others. stop doing all things for him. but i wouldn’t quietly stop it. i’d tell him exactly what i’m doing (or not doing) and why. if he makes progress you can loosen up on all of that too. make it a fair union finally.  

also, i would no longer go out in public with him unless he majorly cleaned up. anytime you do, you’re telling him that’s acceptable to you. don’t let him kiss you if he’s unclean. don’t sleep in the same bed if he’s gone too long without bathing. don’t even sit at the same dinner table with him if he smells. every single time you do these things that makes you uncomfortable, you enable all future repeat behavior. you’re saying it’s ok. STOP ACCEPTING THIS.

i look forward to your next update. i wish you luck! 

 

Post # 33
Member
555 posts
Busy bee

sunbear :   Oh Bee I am so sorry you’re caught in this trap. I can relate a little. I was once engaged to a great-on-paper guy. He seemed driven, charming, handsome and handy, he had his degree and could fix a car. He wasn’t exactly my cup of tea looks wise, but objectively handsome and treated me like a goddess. Great.

He began spending crazy amounts of time and money fixing up cars. He’d buy a bucket of bolts and sink thousands into it, trying to convert them into race cars. The furthest he ever got was a painted bucket of bolts. He spent all his time sinking beers in the garage with friends. He gained weight. We never went anywhere or did anything other than look at scrap cars really. I did what you and PP did and occasionally unleashed hell upon him because of my boredom and frustrations.

But I couldn’t leave him- to me I didn’t have solid grounds. He treated me well. Id be the ungrateful, hurtful and shallow bitch if I did. He didn’t deserve that pain, he did love me so. So I wasn’t attracted to him at all anymore? Eh just made me shallow anyway so I should be snapped out of it. His money goes to cars? It’s mostly his anyway, what could I say? And on and on it went. I became unhappier every week. Arguments increased. I began noticing men who paid attention to me and developing crushes. It was a disaster. I started hurting him anyway by staying. He’d cry and beg me to stay frequently. Hed change for a week and back to square one we would go. Eventually he did something to break my trust badly. And you know what? I wasn’t hurt or even angry. 

I. Was. So. Relieved! I had an out! A legitimate out! A giant weight was lifted and I could breathe. I saw his pain but it was mitigated now. It was a cruel way of thinking but he could no longer deny my freedom. It’s like a had completed prison time. Now I know I needn’t have waited for any other reason, other than my own joy. Please learn from me and PP AND all these pages of brilliant advice. I wouldn’t stay.

Post # 34
Member
597 posts
Busy bee

My SO is a gamer too! Let’s see, he picks our son up from daycare after work and plays with him/cares for him for an hour til I get home from work. Then I take over while he exercises. Then between the two of us, we play with our kid and cook supper. After supper, he puts our son to bed while I pack everyone’s lunches and clean the kitchen. Then he and I sit together and cuddle and watch an hour of TV. THEN! Then he plays video games from 8:30~11:30pm, while I do my own thing. And even that is not every night, we definitely make exceptions. Oh, and he showers every day. That is how a grown ass man who is a gamer behaves. Don’t give your hubby a free pass. His behavior is deplorable. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this situation. I agree that if there’s any hope of him changing, it probably needs to mean ditching the Xbox cold turkey, because he clearly lacks self control right now.

Post # 35
Member
312 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

A lot of this sounds like immaturity to me, as well. You guys are young and he has never had to take care of himself. It sounds like his mom didn’t do him any favors if she did everything for him and then he went right to you. He was never on his own. I’d start with a conversation and let him know exactly how serious you are about all this and see if he changes. If he doesn’t, leave. 

My husband is somewhat of a gamer but he’s a wonderful partner. He does the cooking and grocery shopping, helps with our baby. The games come after all that, normally after baby and I go to bed. 

Post # 36
Member
9595 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

sunbear :  Wow. Well I dont normally suggest ultimatums but… what is left?? All the communication in the world is not helping. I would compose your list of demands… treatment for xbox addiction (including going cold turkey for as long as needed), helping with chores (break this down- laundry atleast every other week, x, y, z etc), basic hygeine or you’re out. If he doesnt shape up right away, time for a trial seperation. Let the household crumble around him and his life turn to pure filth. Let him starve! Maybe that will be your true last shot for him to see the light.

Take your moms advice and start stashing money away. DO NOT get pregnant or buy a house. You are only 25…. you could have a whole new life with a functional adult partner…. but at the same time if this is just some sort of funk/addiction/dark place/extreme growing pains.. hes in do all you can to see if he can get out of it… but dont sacrifice your future.

Post # 42
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

sunbear :  at least it had a happy ending. she left him 😉 

i wish you a similar happy ending! 

Post # 43
Member
364 posts
Helper bee

sunbear :  you are not his savior. He is missing some of the basic qualities I would want (and it seems that you want) in a spouse and he has several dealbreaking qualities. You’ve given him all the explanation and chances in the world. Don’t make excuses to stick around longer.

You don’t need to present the problem again – that he hasn’t fixed it already and that it’s so bad shows that you aren’t on the same page about basic hygiene, obsessive behaviors, intimacy, self-care, and more. When someone shows you who they are (over the course of mos? Years?), believe them. You don’t need to (again) suggest counseling- he is living the way he is and hasn’t already gotten it and he’s already said that he isn’t interested or made it difficult to set up appts. 

If you knew these issues and who he is/how he acts before, would you have ever even dated him? If not, leave. Love does not mean that we stay w someone who doesn’t wash or do laundry to the point of smelling, doesn’t even partially contribute to eating/daily needs, and has an unhealthy obsession w playing a game. I don’t care if this gaming thing is an addiction- I would never stay w someone while their addiction is active and it is not my duty to try to pull someone out of addiction. (I tried that for years unsuccessfully w a parent and would now never be w someone who isn’t in active and stable recovery.)

Not sure why you think you deserve this or why this is the life that you’re choosing to live.  I know you said that counseling just for you didn’t work/do much, but you continuing to stay w someone who chooses to live a life as a baby would makes it seem that you may have more issues of your own to work through than you think. I wish you the best and hope you leave ASAP. There’s no need to stay for another year of this mess just to see if he comes out of it. He hasn’t. This is your life. This man who doesn’t wash or eat and who cries about video games due to complete lack of self-control is your husband. If you want another better life, choose it. 

Post # 44
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

sunbear :  I’m sorry Bee – but he’s got to go. Not helping you and not having any care or lack of respect for your feelings? No. Not acceptable. This is not a relationship or a marriage, this sounds like you are his mother and that’s a situation I assume you don’t want to be in. It like the gaming is a real addiction, even though it is not a drug it might as well be. If it is stopping him from doing normal daily activities such as eating, showering, or spending time with his wife, it needs to be put to an end. And the first step to this is admitting he has a problem. It doesn’t seem like he’s willing to do that, given the crying outburst at even the simple THOUGHT of having to stop gaming. Also he lied and pretended to get rid of it only to hide it somewhere and try to play when you weren’t home. No. I understand you love him, but do you want to pick up and clean up after someone who can even be bothered to shower daily or even weekly? You deserve better. Much better. Please do not let yourself talk yourself out of this. This is something that needs to be put to an end. If he is not willing to turn off the games, go to counseling and agree that he needs to grow up and be an adult, then you need to go. And go quickly.  

Post # 45
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

nifer317 :  That thread you linked about dude who leaves poop on the floor…oh my god WTF did I just read. 😱😱😱

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