(Closed) Running into some MIL trouble….not sure how to handle it

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
7673 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Basic rule for dealing with families: each person deals with their own side of the family. So it’s your fiance’s job to rein in your Mother-In-Law, and it sounds like he needs to talk to her.

Who’s paying for the wedding? Usually the groom’s family doesn’t, so why is she taking such a role anyway. Also, does she have any daughters? Because I could excuse her enthusiasm if she doesn’t. (But she still needs to be kept in line).

Now colors are usually a girl thing, so for colors I suggest the two of you (you and your fiance) talk to her together. I agree that even if she’s contributing to the wedding, stylistic things like colors should be your choice.

Post # 4
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I would tell her that other then the stems and leaves you despise the color green =) I do, so I can say that with a straight face.  It sounds like you are close to her and just nervous because you feel so strongly about this…well it is YOUR wedding so you should.  I would tell her that you don’t want to sound like a bridezilla and that you do absolutely appreciate her help with everything, but that you dont want to make these changes. BE HONEST! Don’t be rude and make sure to elaborate on the fact that you don’t want to discourage her help, you just also don’t want her to feel miffed if you say no to any of her ideas either.  Open the lines of communication and let her know how you feel.  Hopefully this will help you to work together.  How you say these things can make or break the reaction you receive, be kind, but be honest.  Tell her that you’re nervous and don’t want to hurt her feelings.  If she can’t appreciate how you feel about your wedding to her son then decide if you need to get down and dirty and stick to your guns or disclude her more than you have been…

Post # 7
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

If you dont say anything, she will keep acting the same way.

you could reply to her very nicely saying thank you for the ideas, you have a lot to think about and will be making your decisions in due time. Or something like that. 

Its ok to say if you don’t like something. She’ll get over it.

Post # 8
Member
7673 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@redheadbride2013:  OK then… I suggest you try to explain that why you’re grateful for her involvement, but you feel that because it’s your wedding you should decide stylistic things like colors and dresses.

And have your fiance to back you up when you talk to her, so if she gets pushy he can step in at the appropriate moment and say, “Look mom, the colors are really up to her”.

I’ve had close connection with a similar situation (my sister’s Mother-In-Law only has sons). I think the trick is partly giving her input into things which aren’t as important to you. (e.g. in my sister’s case, Mother-In-Law was really set on having it at her church, and my sister agreed). Handling my parents was easier, they just wanted a say in the menu and drinks!

Post # 9
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@PinkPinstripes:  +1

This.  She’ll likely be overinvolved in your life until you set down boundaries.  Don’t let it slide until she’s demanding where you send her grandchildren to grade school.  It doesn’t have to get out of control.  People don’t seem to realize “no” is not a four letter word.  It is not disrespectful.  Thank her for her enthusiasm and help, but explain to her your vision and tell her that is how you want to proceed.  Once she realizes you’re firm on this, she’ll either back off totally or start asking you what she can help with instead of barging in.

Post # 10
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I would politely tell her that although you love the suggestions they just don’t fit in with the theme of your wedding or how you would imagine having your day.

Maybe also let her have one input in it. Like the colours, cream is basically a light yellow and you would normally have greenery in your bouquet anyways. So maybe letting her have this one thing will help with saying no to everything else.

Post # 12
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Whenever she makes a suggestion you aren’t fond of, smile and say, “I’ll take that into consideration. Thank you,” and leave it at that. Just make sure you are the one talking with your vendors. 

Post # 13
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m right there with you. My Future Mother-In-Law seems to think that everything with the wedding is a joint decision. She also keeps asking me about things I haven’t even considered yet. Fiance is her only child so I get her enthusiasm but remember – it is your wedding.

I’m  struggling with setting boundaries as well so I feel your pain! I thought giving Future Mother-In-Law free reign over the rehersal dinner would be enough, but no – she keeps edging in on the wedding plans too (which she isn’t paying for).

Anyway, here’s what I’m trying. Try saying things like “thanks, but that’s not really what I envisioned” or if you just want her to stop prodding, keep details about the wedding to a minimum. It is a bit trickier for you though since she is partly paying. if she is just overly enthusiastic, channel her energy into a specific task she can’t alter – such as a DIY project you are going to do anyway (just make a prototype so it’s clear exactly how you want it), etc.

sorry I’m not more help, but I wanted to let you know you aren’t alone in this. 

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