(Closed) Rushing into things, cold feet, dont know what to do – if there is anything todo

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I realize that there is absolutely no way I could break off the engagement, no matter what. I couldn’t do that to him. Like, I am physically incapable of it. I also couldn’t do that to my family or his, or our friends.

This is YOUR life, not your family’s or his family’s or your friend’s lives. If I was your family member or friend, maybe I would be disappointed that you weren’t marrying a guy I liked for you, but any true friends would want you to do what’s best for YOU.

When you walk down the aisle, you should have no doubts.  It’s much easier to call off a wedding than it is to get a divorce later. 

Post # 4
2755 posts
Sugar bee

Have you thought about spending some time apart from one another? It sounds to me like you are struggling with the knowledge that you’ve never been separate from one another. Since you say you’re young, I imagine you’re probably in your early-mid twenties like I am. I had similar worries both before and after we got engaged, and I finally told him about them. During this past summer, Fiance spent about 2 months at home with his family while I lived in our apartment by myself. It was really, really good for me to gain some perspective on how I can handle myself and learn how to be alone – something I’d never been able to do since I went from home, to the dorms, to apartments with friends to living with him.

The perspective also made me realize how much I wanted a life together with him. But it also could’ve gone the other way. A year ago, I was feeling much the same way you are now: looking at/talking to other guys and wishing I didn’t have a commitment, wondering if we rushed into things, feeling immature and not ready for an adult life.

Don’t ignore this — it’s imperative that you don’t, because it will continue to be an issue for you. Marriage is about compromise, but if you’re feeling that you’re giving things up vs. compromising for what’s best then there is a problem. You don’t want to end up resenting him down the road. It isn’t fair to you OR to him.

Also: if you decide that this is ultimately what you don’t want, I know it’ll be hard but believe me it’s best to end it now before you get married than after. There is a LOT of pressure after a couple gets engaged, and many brides end up going with the flow and pushing past their anxieties and fears when they’re worth examining. You might have to go into hiding (I know that if my relationship ended right now, one of the first things I’d do is delete every social networking profile I have and probably move back home because it’d be too devastating to face everyone for a while), but eventually life would move on and so would you.

I hope you can figure this out. Have you thought about trying some relationship/couple’s counseling that isn’t religiously-based? That might help to sort out some of these feelings.

Post # 5
777 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Whew. That’s a lot going on and I wish I could be more help. I have three main thoughts, though:

1. If you’re long distance, and you haven’t had sex for moral/religious reasons, and you have a high sex drive, I think it’s natural that you’re going to feel intense attractions to other guys as well until you have some kind of outlet. It is a bit worrying, but I suspect living together and enjoying that aspect of your relationship will calm things down a LOT on that front.

2. You don’t have to break off the engagement. You can postpone and give yourselves time to grow together and be more certain of your feelings. But bear in mind that, however hard it seems, breaking an engagement is infinitely easier for everyone involved than getting a divorce. Don’t get married unless you’re certain.

3. It sounds to me like you’re having a tangled crisis of faith and identity connected to your doubts about this relationship. You might find it helpful to sit down with your minister (or someone else you trust and feel safe talking to) and work through some of these thoughts.

Post # 6
7286 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Have you set a date?

As a waiter for sex, I know how easy it is to just want to go and get married, but to marry the wrong man or when you aren’t ready could completley ruin something beautiful. I dated for years, and even was engaged for a year before we finally tied that knot. I really needed to know myself and my future husband.

And also God doesn’t call people idiots or want them to suffer! If you feel like your feelings pushed over all you common sense and biblical wisdom, it would be best just to wait. Put things on hold. It doesn’t mean break up, but just push the date back. You need to get back intouch with yourself and make sure you are in line with what God has decreed about dating, marriage, a mans role, a womans roll etc etc.

It seems like you also have maybe some self esteem issues and perhaps don’t like being alone as well. Long distance is a recipe for miscommunications and can be very trying-putting lots of stress on the couple.

Your not a failure and when the time is right, you will know and your wedding will be beautiful!

Post # 7
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I have a friend that got married in college, I believe the rush was at least partially driven by their strong religious beliefs and “waiting”…  It turned out awful.  She was miserable for many many years before they had a very messy divorce.  I don’t think rushing to get married for any reason is a good idea, and if you are having doubts now it will probably not get better with time.

Post # 10
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

It sound like he is a great guy, just not your great guy. Don’t make the mistake of getting married because you can’t think of a reason why you shouldn’t get married. That’s how my DH ended up in his first marriage. It’s not enough to sustain you through the tough times. And although Long-Distance is tough, you will go through much tougher times at some point. 

It seems to me that you are too young and need to date and explore (not sexually, just mean meeting people). In 20 years will you regret you married so young? In 10 years, when you tired with the kids and you two are fighting, will you regret getting married so young, especially since you are having doubts?

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