- 6 years ago
- Wedding: March 2016
My Fiance and I have known each other since 2006. We dated for only 1 year before we got engaged. I have no doubts, and I’m sure he would agree, that we kind of rushed things (and when I say he would agree, i mean he would, but he would love how things turned out either way). In the beginning, we wanted to take things slowly, get to know each other, see how things went. We decided quickly that we liked each other after all these years of not seeing each other, and started dating. I moved closer to him for work, and things just kept speeding up. We traveled everywhere together, had an amazing time. There has always been lot of lust involved. We only ever had the self control to stop just before it was too late (moral issues here that you probably wouldn’t laugh at). And that physical side of it all really bothers me. In just a few months after dating, we decided to start counseling for marriage through our church. It was not very helpful, the minister used very old material that I don’t feel helped at all besides to confirm that we had mutual interests and were compatible. I guess maybe that’s all it was supposed to do, really. Anyways. That was finished within a month or two, I picked out a ring, he proposed a couple months ago, and now I’m back home (we are very long distance), planning the wedding, and I’m having second thoughts.
I’m young. I feel like we rushed things so much that I never had time to mature. I’m immature in every way, in my opinion. I’m SO immature emotionally, like more than I ever was before, I think. And I can’t believe I feel such attraction for other guys (one person in particular, at the moment), and i can’t believe that i still even have thoughts like, “if only I wasn’t already committed.”
My Fiance is perfect. I love him. He does and would do literally anything for me. Literally. And he’s hilarious and attractive. I liked him from the very beginning. We have so much in common, and we have an amazing time when we’re together. When we’re not together, we have a lot more struggles, miscommunications, and I get a lot more emotionally vunerable it seems. Like now.
We both always say it’s amazing how things worked out. Like, how everything worked out for me to move closer, how we connected and everything. But I look back on it and I’m like, is that just coincidence? I ruined a friendship for it (a best friend was interested in him, and while I consoled her through all of her struggles with it, I was also interested and never told her, and never told her we started dating). We rushed into things because of an infatuation, and now we’ve just grown together (and it really is great, 90% of the time), but I’m looking at my thoughts and actions and feeling like I can’t give myself up unconditionally to anyone. It feels like God wasn’t as involved as i thought He was in the beginning, but now He’s putting it in my mind that this was a bad idea, and I’m an idiot, and have to deal with the consequences.
When i talk to Fiance about this (we have, a little, it was uhh stressful), or actually when I just talk to him in general, I realize that there is absolutely no way I could break off the engagement, no matter what. I couldn’t do that to him. Like, I am physically incapable of it. I also couldn’t do that to my family or his, or our friends. It would create so much awkwardness, and probably a lot of pain – obviously from him but from me as well. And I would regret it, I’m sure. And the wedding is basically all planned. I can’t even imagine how much disappointment there would be in me, and I can’t handle disappointing people. If i broke off the engagement, i would need to go become a hermit for the rest of my life in the mountains. which has never actually sounded like a bad idea, but still. I don’t think that’s really an option.
I think I just have cold feet and am anxious because there are so many big things coming up. It’s just all so weird because I look back on a year ago and see how many amazing plans I had, and now suddenly everything is completely changed. I know Fiance would say that he’s behind me all the way, with anything I want to do. if I want to go to school in california, like I planned, he would move there with me (we are planning to live in his apartment in europe). I’m just really confused because it seems like I should love that he wants to do everything for me, but I don’t. But at the same time I am seriously in love with him. I think it’s just because I haven’t seen him in a while, and I’m positive that once I see him, all my doubts will go away. But for the past few days, I have been in such a terrible place. I don’t know what I want from you when you read this, but I can’t go to anyone in my family. it’s just really awful and embarrassing that I’m even feeling like this. It really is pointless, because I know I can’t do anything about it. But I want to. But there’s nothing. Nothing is going to happen, I’m just going to keep being sad and frustrated and anxious, and then I’ll get over it.
Someone say something?