(Closed) S.O. not invited to my family Christmas?

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
3563 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Maybe my family is weird, but I’ve never had to ask anyone in my family if I was allowed to bring my boyfriend to their home for a family Christmas/Holiday/whatever get together in the first place.  

I will echo the sentiments other PPs have said about the rapist ex.

I think if I were you, I would talk to grandma again and explain to her that it’s important to you that your SO be there and be able to meet everyone.  If she’s still not having none of it, then I’d inform her that I regret I will not be able to make it this year.  #sorrynotsorry

Post # 32
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

“Mom, I love you so much and would love to spend Christmas with you, but I will not be attending. As you know [Ex] was very emotionally abusive to me. I haven’t felt comfortable telling the family this, because he is a family friend and I was afraid that people would not listen to me, but he sexually assaulted me. I’m telling you this now because you need to know: I am moving on with my life, and I am in a relationship that is tremendously important to me. I cannot attend Christmas dinner because it would be very traumatic to sit at a table where a man who abused me is welcome but my partner is not. I love you all very much, and would like to attend future Christmas celebrations when I am ready. For now, how about you and I do something special for Christmas outside of the big family event? And perhaps we can include [Boyfriend], because it’s important to me that you get to know each other.”

Post # 33
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
chelseameghan7:  I don’t think you owe them an explanation or an account of your sexual assault to excuse yourself from this event. This is a time where you need to choose your own emotional safety over pleasing other people. If your grandmother’s top priority is punishing you for failing to follow her own archaic code of behavior then you will not be seeing her. If your family cannot take a known history of abuse seriously then you will not sacrifice yourself to make nice. They don’t get to demand that you traumatize yourself on their behalf. 

Post # 34
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
silkybutterbee:  This times 1000!!!!  This is exactly what I would say.

OP, there are two issues here:

1. You need to tell your family about the sexual assault, and tell them that if your rapist is attending an event you will not be present.

2. I see your grandmother’s point here. You’re 22, and have been dating for three months. If I were in that situation, my family wouldn’t want my boyfriend to spend Christmas with us either. How about you arrange a meal where your family and your boyfriend meet, that doesn’t infringe upon family Christmas?

Depending on how your family reacts to #1 above, you may or may not be spending Christmas there anyway. You need to take care of that issue first before you continue discussing whether or not your boyfriend will be welcome. If they don’t believe you about the rape, or if they invite your ex anyway, then you and your boyfriend can spend Christmas together just the two of you. If they support you and your ex is no longer invited, then I would move on to issue #2.

Post # 36
Member
928 posts
Busy bee

Definitely stay home. I would never put myself in the same room with a man who raped me. Him being a family friend (not family) gets to go, but your SO doesn’t because he isn’t family? Id be livid!

Post # 37
Member
939 posts
Busy bee

I’m so sorry for what you went through. That’s truly terrible, and no one deserves to have that happen. I have a similar story with an ex, so I understand the pain of seeing that person. I have since forgiven him and we’ve spent time together in group settings and it’s been okay, but I realize that everyone heals differently and being around him during the holidays must be incredibly painful.

That said, I completely understand where your grandmother is coming from. If I wanted to bring someone I’d been dating for 3 months at age 22 to a family event where he would have to stay the night, I would have been shut down by everyone in my family. You may think it’s forever, and it might be forever, but you’ll have a hard time convincing people that at 22, your very short-term love is real.

Post # 38
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I won’t even touch on the rape situation, but you’re only 22 and have only been with this guy for 3 months??? 

Post # 39
Member
6879 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
chelseameghan7:  You still haven’t answered whether or not your family KNOWS this guy raped you. I think that is a much more important problem!

Post # 42
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

My family wouldn’t be thrilled with having a boyfriend of mine sleep over either. I can understand grandma’s position. 3 months is very very very very short and really, so is 6 months. But that’s a different issue I’ll try to keep my mouth shut about. If not for your ex, I would say go to the party anyway. I would NOT go for the simple fact that he will be there. 

Wait you were engaged to that man? You had to be really young… and now you’re rushing into a 2nd engagement? Please slow down.

Post # 43
Member
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I would not go. Simple.They broke their own rules by stating it’s a family affair and inviting him and her who are not family.

And you need to tell them that he raped you, are you going to make it public like charges? Maybe too personal a question, but think about it really seriously on your own, if he did it to you, he won’t think twice about doing it to another woman because he probably thinks he didn’t do anything wrong.

Post # 44
Member
2166 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My answer if I were you, Hell no and what kind of family are you to invite someone that hurt me? See ya when you decide to give a shit about me and my feelings.

I’m sorry you have to deal with that, nobody should. 

Post # 45
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

View original reply
chelseameghan7:  I’m sorry, that’s awful. I would tell your mom about the rape if you feel comfortable. I would also decide if you think your grandma is a safe person to tell. This sounds awful I know, but based on your family’s reaction to emotional abuse and her commentary about your current SO, she might not have the most sympathetic reaction. 

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