(Closed) S.O's mother constantly questioning the relationship?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3244 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I was married at 22. I see nothing wrong with settling down young. Lots of my freidns did and the bee is full of people your age who are settled in LTRs. I don’t really get the sow your wild oats thing since I’ve only been with two people and am quite satisfied with that! Either your SO needs to tell her firmly she needs to leave this in his hands and his hands alone or you both just band together, make a joke of it and continue to ignore her.  

Post # 3
Member
2238 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

yourhandinmine:  My Darling Husband and I also started dating during our freshman year of college. Neither of us were looking for a relationship, but that’s what it turned into, and we’ve never looked back. We’ve been together for 7.5 years at this point, and married about 6 months. I don’t know why you have this mindset that college can’t be or isn’t about finding a person you want to be with – I never felt like that at all, and most of my friends were in or are still in very serious relationships with people they met in college. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with just having fun and dating a lot of people, either.

Your SO’s mom sounds kind of like my mom. She has always LOVED my Darling Husband, but she didn’t want me to settle down or to limit my experiences. Not just dating experiences, but other experiences to travel, move around, etc. that are somewhat limited when you’re in a relationship with someone else who has their own goals and ideas of the future. Both my Darling Husband and I have had to make sacrificies for each other – he moved to a city he didn’t really know for me; I’ve supported us financially while he finishes up law school. My point is that it’s normal for parents to worry about their kids – and while I’m sure you have nothing to do with her concerns, she just wants to make sure her son is thinking through everything before making a huge decision like getting engaged.

At the same time, enough is enough. Your SO needs to tell her to cut it out, if it bothers him. I totally understand parental concern and helping your kids think through things, but it sounds as if she is pestering him about the same issue consistently. That is not OK. Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’ve never heard that being in a relationship in college is looked at as a “bad” thing in society. 

I have no idea why his mom is constantly bringing this up, but he needs to be direct with her and say “Stop asking me this, I am not going to sit here and re-evaluate my relationship and life choices every single time I talk to you.”  

FWIW, I get the whole “sow your wild oats” thing.  I definitely did….but I don’t think that’s an absolute necessity for everyone.  As long as you’re both committed to each other and the relationship is a healthy one, I see no reason why you can’t stop questioning it and just enjoy it.  

Post # 7
Member
2238 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

yourhandinmine:  I think you have to stop worrying so much about what other people think and just be happy in your relationship. Have your SO talk to his mom about how much it bothers him, and if it continues, you both need to be better about ignoring it and zoning out what she says. I don’t see why it has to affect you so much – when my mom would say similar things, I would just roll my eyes and move on.

Post # 10
Member
2238 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

yourhandinmine:  I get that, I really do. But at the end of the day, all this is doing is dragging you both down. Has your SO talked to his mom about how all of this makes him feel? If not, I suggest he do that ASAP (or do it again). After that, if she still doesn’t stop, limiting contact with her is probably the next step. She’ll either see that he’s serious and cut the crap, or she’ll prove what a toxic individual she really is. How often does your SO see/talk to his parents, anyway? When I was in college, I didn’t talk to my parents more than once or twice a week.

Post # 11
Member
346 posts
Helper bee

She’s never going to stop. You just have to learn to ignore it. 

My ex and I were together for about 3 years, his mom would tell him right in front of my face that he needed to explore and see other people. 

neither of us really entertained her comments When she made them. 

Post # 13
Hostess
3838 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Your SO’s mother sounds like a peach. Maybe she genuinely sees something worrisome in your relationship, maybe she’s worried that her son is committing to someone too young, maybe she’s still hung up on the fact that you briefly broke up, I’m not sure. If it helps, my Fiance and I have a similar story. We met the first semester of our freshman year of college and went through a rough patch about a year in where we “broke up” for a couple of weeks. We both missed each other terribly and got back together – we’ve been going strong for 8 years 🙂 My Mom was really hung up on the short break up for a couple of years, worrying that if we hit a bump in our relationship, we’d just end it instead of working through things, but she did get past it and always is telling my Fiance and anyone who will listen that he is part of the family and she adores him.

In your position, I would probably ask (or have your SO ask) his mom why doesn’t think you should be together and hear her out even if it’s absurd. Think about whether she has a good point, and if not, explain to her how much you love her son and how much it upsets you both that she doesn’t accept your relationship. She may be the type to be a pain about this forever, but hopefully she’ll get over it if she keeps seeing how happy the two of you are. And don’t feel weird about dating through college! I love that my Fiance and I went through hard times, life changes, career changes, and growing pains together. We’ve been together our entire adult lives and that, to me, is really special. Not everyone can say that they are getting married shortly after their 9 year anniversary!

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  missinthecity.
Post # 14
Member
2238 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

yourhandinmine:  Yeah, that sounds terrible. As hard as it is, he needs to start limiting contact NOW.

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