(Closed) Sad…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@soyjoy222:  Is this type of statement out of ‘character’ for him?!  I mean, I know you said he is not a great person to talk to regarding stressful things, so maybe after a long discussion about other things going on, he made the statement because he was uncomfortable, and not necessarily because he means it?! 

It would definitely stop me in my tracks too, but if this is the first time you have heard this, then I am guessing it was a knee-jerk reaction!! Probably due to stressful things in his life that he keeps bottled in!!

ETA:  If he has said things of this nature before, then I would *try* to have a serious conversation about what it is he actually wants!!

Post # 5
Member
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

So sorry you’re feeling sad and stressed, that’s not a fun place to be.  When I was reading it occurred to me that maybe you two were having one of those female/male misunderstandings.  Sometimes men want to be “fixers” and solve problems and sometimes women just want to “vent” and get stress relief by talking things out.  It probably was an innocent discussion that took a negative turn.  Only you know your Fiance to know if he really means what he said or not.  Chances are he was just frustrated at your level of stress and not being able to “fix” it and that made him blurt out something that sounded hurtful to you.  My Fiance and I are sometimes guilty of this.  But when I go back to him and rephrase, something like, “I know you were trying to help me and I do realize I was complaining about things but I didn’t mean it the way it sounded, I’m sorry.  I always appreciate your help.”  And then see what he says; he may apologize too.  Is it possible that it was just a communication-style difference?  I know if my Fiance feels that he is helpless to help me it gets him very frustrated.  I have to explain that I am only needing him as a sounding board at that moment.

Post # 6
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Sunfire:  This…exactly!  My SO and I occassionally experience this type of ‘argument’!

OP, it is my understand that weddings/planning are really stressful.  I am not currently planning one myself, but I can certainly see my SO (if he is the one I am planning with) saying something along the lines of ‘well, this is what YOU wanted’.  IF I were stressed to the max, like it sounds as you are, I would take it as ‘huh?!  I thought we both wanted this…wait, does he NOT want to get married?!’ 

As I stated before, it is a knee jerk reaction for them/a way of handling their stress as well.

Stressed people talking about stress/stressful situations = hurtful comments. 

My best advice is to sit him down as PP stated, and calmly explained that sometimes you just want him to listen, and not fix the problem.  And then, make SURE that he is on the same page as you!

Post # 7
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Sounds like you have a very rational man who sees things in black and white.  This is probably why he’s not the best person to talk to when you’re feeling stressed out.  Rather than empathizing with your feelings of stress, he replied with a practical, logical answer.  As a female, I would rather never hear that practical answer and just have my man empathize with what I’m telling him and then I feel better about it.  I don’t think he meant any harm in it.  It’s understandable you might not have the drive to work on wedding things after a conversation like that.  But think of it this way: Even with the stresses going on in your life, you still see that the good outweighs the bad, right? 🙂

Post # 8
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I agree with Sunfire. It sounds like you guys had a communication collision. My Fiance and I have these sometimes. After many  trials and mostly errors I have learned to lead into these conversations with: “I do not want or expect you to fix this situation, but I want to whine and complain a bit to get it out of my system.”

I’m sorry you’re feeling stressed and with everything you’ve got on your plate you have a right to be. Just hang in there. Odds are he really didn’t mean that the way it came out.

Post # 9
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

He wants to marry you, doesnt mean he wants a wedding. Guys dont equate marriage to weddings. I think he just doesnt know what to say to you when you tell him you are stressed out, about things that you chose to do.  its natural to be stressed about the things you mentioned You just have to talk to him about the way he responds to you when you are upset.

Post # 10
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@soyjoy222:  Did he mean you were forcing him into the big wedding, or into getting married at all? To me, there’s a big difference.

Post # 12
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@soyjoy222:  I would flat out ask him what he meant by the comment. I think it’s important to understand his side as well. Yes men and woman are different, but a lot of times, there are feelings behind what men say, and we as woman squash them, because ours tend to have more emotion behind them.

If he wanted a court house wedding, but you didn’t because of your parents, he may have started looking just to make you happy. That doesn’t mean that he didn’t feel “forced” in a way. The fact that this isn’t the first time he’s mentioned something like this, leads me to believe he may be resenting you for this decision.

“We got engaged because we felt we had been together long enough and he knew that was the right thing to do at the time”

This sounds like a terrible reason to get engaged. Did you pressure him to propose?

Post # 14
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@soyjoy222:  I agree with mwitter – you need the clarification of whether he meant that the wedding itself was forced, or the idea of getting married at all. If he’s just not into the big wedding, there are things you can do to fix that pretty easily (scale it down, ask him more about what he wants to do, include his ideas, that kind of stuff). But if it’s more that he wasn’t feeling ready for marriage yet, then you need to put the brakes on for a moment and try to figure out if marriage is really the right thing for the two of you right now.

Post # 15
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@soyjoy222: Yeah, I also felt that was a little harshly stated, but I agree with the sentiment. 

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