Post # 1
Ok I just need to vent. In the last year I have been in a lot of weddings. I was Maid/Matron of Honor for 3 of my best friends
The first one was a girl I have been friends with since kindergarten. I took a week off to drive 8 hours to throw her a shower. I spent hundreds on the food and invitations and time off. On her wedding day I was so busy taking care of things she forgot I didn’t eat dinner or cake, but I had a blast. I loved being Maid/Matron of Honor for her.
Skip a couple weddings ahead to the last one I was in. I flew to Connecticut (again time off work) to go to the running of the brides with her and then flew to Conn (I live in Oregon) for an extra week so we could do a bachelorette party before her wedding. We spent hours on the phone planning (in both cases) and I mean 4 hour conversations once a week.
Now I have been engaged since October and when I call, all we talk about is their pets and houses they have now that they are married. I feel like I would just like a little enthusiasm from them! I try to talk to them but it is like the attitude is “been there, done that” and now my one Bridesmaid or Best Man is trying to get pregnant. My wedding is 10 months away and for no reason other than she feels like it she has decided to get pregnant, so I guess she won’t be in the wedding if she does? I am just so hurt by this! It is like she is trying to not be in the wedding. They haven’t even been married a year and I DO NOT like her hubby, so I don’t really know what to tell her. I am just so stressed about the whole situation. I feel like I am loosing my best friends over this wedding! That’s all I just needed to vent.
Post # 3
also i know planning a family is more important than a wedding and i feel bad being upset about it all. sigh….
Post # 4
Aww, sweetie, I’m sorry you are hurt. You must be a great friend to be Maid/Matron of Honor three times. And I can see why. You were there for them every step of the way 110%. Do you love wedding planning? That’s what I sensed. If so, keep in mind that not everyone has the ability to be that devoted to someone else’s wedding, as you have been. I know you’re someone who would do anything for her friends. And wants to feel that from them once in a while too.
As for the talk about their lives, ugg, some people are more self absorbed than others. Also, with the Bridesmaid or Best Man trying to get pregnant, it sounds like you are taking it a bit personally, which it isn’t. Actually I feel for you. And if I was in a wedding, at this point, I would actively avoid getting pregnant before the wedding. Or at least try to only be a few months pregnant. But that is me. I wouldn’t expect that from others. I don’t know what her situation is, but maybe she’s older and feels like she needs to start trying. Maybe she has reason to believe she’ll have problems. Maybe she believes she’ll be in lots of weddings over the next few years, and just can’t accommodate everyone. If she doesn’t get pregnant in the next few months, she could probably still be in the wedding. I don’t think it would be appropriate to ask her to not try to get pregnant. But maybe for the sake of the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresse, you could try to figure out where she stands on the whole thing. (And maybe she’ll come up with holding off for a few months on her own.)
You’re absolutely fine venting here on WB. But if you’d like to have a heart to heart with your girls, try to keep out some of these details. Maybe just keep it to, how you’d like to be able to discuss wedding plans with them and get opinions more often. Everyone gets busy, but maybe you can agree to set up an afternoon, or two to go over some ideas, visit vendors etc. I think it’s Ok to tell them how you feel about being there for them and wishing they could show more of the same towards you now. But also be understanding that not everyone can be quite as supportive as you had been.
Good luck. You’re a great friend. I think those girls know that.
Post # 5
I went through the same thing. I was a slave to the women in my bridal party was they were the bride. When my turn came, there were times I felt like they all just phoned it in. It hurt my feelings, but I just tried my best and got over it.
Sorry you’re dealing with this. It isn’t fair, it’s not considerate. Don’t let them rain on your parade!
Post # 6
I know how you feel. I feel like a lot of my close friends are engaged/married and afraid that when it comes to my turn, no one will be as excited. But I guess that’s life and eventhough I would love for them to be as giddy and excited – I’m not going to hold any expectations to save myself from any disappointment. What matters most is that they will be great supporters when I need them most throughout life, not just my future wedding.
Post # 7
Congratulations! Planning your wedding is definitely one of the most challenging yet important time, and it goes by quickly!!! No worries, I was one of the last to get married and had really bend over backwards for my friends weddings, but it’s just going to be a reality that you might not get back what you put in for your friends. Although you are in a much better place in knowing what you need-from your past efforts and experience, so maybe look outward to see if there are other people who want to help you even if they aren’t bridesmaid status. I had lots of people who loved all things wedding and were able to lend a hand and it all worked out in the end!
Post # 8
I’m really sorry that they haven’t reciprocated the excitement that you had when they got married. You sound like a really great friend who would do anything for a friend, but unfortunately, not all people are like you. My one Bridesmaid or Best Man was ecstatic when I got engaged, and gave me all sorts of tips as she had gotten married only 4 years ago. However, my Maid/Matron of Honor was jealous as she is a year older and isn’t dating anyone right now, so she was putting down EVERYTHING my fiance and I planned on from the venue to the photographer. I finally had to set her in her place and tell her that I was really sorry that our decisions didn’t meet up to her high expectations. Perhaps that sounds a bit bitchy, but she practically had me in tears, because it didn’t even seem like she was happy for me and we’ve known each other since we were toddlers!
Since it’s bothering you and stressing you out so much, I highly suggest having a discussion with them. Personally, I would ask them why they were acting the way that they were and if they didn’t want to be in the wedding, to please let me know now, and not at the 11th hour. If someone doesn’t want to be in my wedding I would rather them tell me 6 months before hand, rather than 6 weeks before.
Please know that there are others out there who are ready to just give up on their BM’s but sometimes it takes a little reminder that they’re acting a little selfish right now. If it’s too much for them, then find someone else who would be ecstatic to be one of your bridesmaids and sharing in what should be the happiest day of your life!
Post # 9
@ vistagirl-why can’t your friend be in the wedding if she is pregnant? my one sister got pregnant 2 moths after I got engaged and my other sister is trying to get preggers. I can’t worry about their procreation timeline while I’m planning a wedding . They are two seperate events, and I wouldn’t take it too personally. When people are ready to have kids-they are ready, and a friends wedding-while exciting-probably isn’t a big enought reason to hold off plans to have a family.
Post # 10
@ flamingred- if she got pregnant more than a month from now she would be too pregnant to fly!
Post # 11
Aw, I feel for ya! You were extremely dedicated to your role as MOH! It’s tough when others can’t reciprocate in the ways we want them to. Remember that you did all those things for them because you’re a great friend, not because you were trying to rack up payback points for your future wedding. I am sure that if you have a bit of a heart to heart with your ladies about how much you need their support and enthusiasm, they’ll remember all those wonderful contributions that you made to their wedding. They may not be able to mimic what you did for them, but if they really are good friends then they’ll step it up when you share these feelings.
PS it sucks to watch friends try to make babies with men you don’t like! I have sympathy, girl!
Post # 12
Ooooh the girl who wants to get pregnant is the one that lives in conneticut? That stinks. I’m the last one to get married out of my friends and my wedding isn’t a big deal to any of them at all. I mean I think they are excited but it isn’t like when my first friend got married and everyone was freaking out with excitement. It does have potential hurt my feelings, but I have to put it in perspective otherwise i would just be upset all the time. My wedding isn’t as important to them as many other life events that they have going on (babies,new homes ect..) and if they have to drop out of their bridesmaid duties then they have to drop out-I have a feeling this is going to happen with one of my friends-I think she may be going out of the country during my wedding-I’m not going to sweat it.