(Closed) Sad about people being judgemental towards our non-religious wedding :(

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
14495 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Wow, that would all be too much for me.  I don’t think I would want people around me like that on my wedding day that couldn’t be supportive of me.  I am so sorry you are going through all of this.  I hope that something will work out for you and you will get all that you want for wedding day.  Ignore the judgemental folks.  “When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself” ~ Wayne Dyer

Post # 4
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I kind of think you should scrap the whole thing and elope, or at the very least have a smaller, different wedding on your own terms. Who wants to get married surrounded by 150 judgmental people? You deserve so much better than that.

Post # 6
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m catholic, but dont’ really practice anymore. Fiance is no religion. I told my parents if they wanted to see me get married, they would have to accept that it is in a non religious place at a non religious ceremony. So far there have not been any issues with it.

Can you pay for/plan this wedding on your own? I think that really would be the easiest way…considering that this is the type of thing that people don’t usually budge on.

Post # 7
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

That’s too bad! I was raised Catholic and am Episcopalian now, will be getting married in an Episcopalian church. We are lucky that my parents and the Future In-Laws (who are Quakers that go way back to the early Quakers of RI) are letting us do it this way and supporting us in it.

You can also always remind them that Jesus/the Bible says “Judge not, that you be not judged” the next time they bring it up – it would do them good to remember that! 🙂

Post # 8
Member
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

They are just trying to guilt trip you. Don’t let it get to you and forget about those people who they claim are not going to be supportive of your marriage. They can’t possibly know what everyone who is attending thinks. 

I had this same problem with my Future In-Laws, in the end we won out and our having our non-religious ceremony as we wanted on the day of our wedding. (We’re doing a blessing later but that’s FI’s job to arrange). I’m not religious at all and Fiance grew up Catholic but is not really that strong in his faith. Future Mother-In-Law told us the exact same thing, how her friends will be uncomfortable with our non-religious ceremony. At that point I had heard it all (she threatened to also not come at all if didn’t have it in a church) so I just laughed.

Don’t let other people’s expectations ruin your day. Live your life by your own heart! As long as you and your Fiance are happy with your decision that is what matters. I was worried that Future Mother-In-Law would hate me but it’s been a few weeks since we made the decision and she’s been nothing but sweet to me. 

Post # 9
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Beluga:  agreed. Sorry, but its your wedding, and you need to do what makes you happy. I am assuming (hoping) that his parents are paying for a portion of the wedding since they are inviting so many people, and I would basically say we do it our way, or there is no wedding. I don’t think you should just do what they want, regardless of who’s paying.

We didn’t have a drop of religion at our wedding, and that was how we wanted it. My brother officiated (he loves to tell people he “married his sister” just so he can see what people’s reactions are lol) and it was in an old building that has a ton of significance to my family. It was beautiful. You deserve as much

Post # 10
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m so sorry you have to go through this! I think you and your Fiance are being very accommodating even allowing your FI’s family to invite these people. Have you sent out the invites/STDs yet? Maybe you can talk with your in-laws and say since they think their friends might not be comfortable at the wedding, to narrow the guest list? 

I’m in the same boat, my future in-laws are very serious Catholics and while they are very kind and like me a lot, they are disappointed that Fiance and I are not Catholic and are not have a religious wedding. (His other 4 siblings all got married in the church). They won’t believe our wedding is “real”. But I’m ok with that. It really only affects them. I know some of our guests will judge, but I have to be ok with that and do what is right for Fiance and I. 

Post # 11
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@winerygirl: Can you and Fiance elope? I think it may save the family relationship and your sanity. Just say you love each other so much you could not wait another day to be his wife. Maybe go to the courthouse or do it on vacation, have an intimate reception and invite only 20 or 30 of the people you want to be there. Send a marriage announcement with a cute pic to the others. You have to take control of your own life and not let people mistreat you. Screw them! Marry the love of your life and be happy.

Post # 12
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I have to agree with some of the PPS… I’d say “screw it” plan a small destination-type thing, invite the people who would actually be supportive, and call it a good time. If you let them manipulate you now, they will continue to do so for the rest of your lives. Wedding planning is, in many ways, a negotiation of family roles and responsibilities. It is a way for you to establish space for your own new family within the existing structures of your birth families. And wedding planning sets the stage for everything else still to come. You can either work with your Fiance to establish boundaries that protect and nurture your new little family, or you can let them guilt and manipulate you and start a pattern that you will hate for decades to come. Do you really want to begin your married life surrounded by judgement and negativity?

Post # 13
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If they’re really upset that it’s not going to be a Catholic wedding, point out that it would be disrespectful to Catholicism to go through with a sacred sacrament when neither of you actually believes in it; as a Catholic, I applaud you.  I firmly believe that your marriage will be as valid as any Catholic marriage, but what it won’t be is a sacrament, which is okay because you don’t hold the same beliefs as Catholics do.  Any of them would shudder at someone who does not believe in Communion still participating in it, so why would they want two people who don’t believe in the Catholic sacrament of marriage to take part in it?  

Part of a Catholic marriage is agreeing to raise your children Catholic, and I assume you two don’t want to do that at this time.  All you need to say to them is that you respect Catholic beliefs too much to go through with a Catholic wedding when you don’t intend to adhere to its teachings.  If people don’t want to come because you and your Fiance are not Catholic, that’s their problem, but what’s the point of pretending that you believe in Catholicism?  I understand wanting to make peace between the families, but ultimately, having a religious ceremony is a matter of faith.  It’s wrong of them to take something that they believe is sacred and turn it into a matter of etiquette and form that you should be forced to follow to keep up appearances.

Personally, I feel that when two people commit to eachother, it should speak to their own beliefs.  A wedding, whether it is officiated by a friend on the beach or a priest in a church, is a commitment of love and devotion that should be celebrated and encouraged. Even Jesus told us not to value appearances over genuine devotion.

Post # 14
Member
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@lovekiss: I agree with this. 

If you let the IL’s hijack your wedding can you imagine how bad it’s going to be if you have children?  I would hate to think of anyone getting married in front of 150 judgmental people. 

Post # 15
Member
7693 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@winerygirl:  I grew up Catholic and now consider myself to be protestant, but I’d hate to have people who would be judgemental at my wedding. 

I think I’d have your Fiance talk to his parents -regarding their list.  As in “well folks, if you will feel embarrassed and people will be appalled at our wedding-how about we cut down the guest list.”  (An easy way to put it back on them).

Post # 16
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I still say you strap on whatever size cajones you require to do this on your own terms. Catering to unreasonable and malicious people will only make you feel weak and miserable in the long run. 

Moreover, I notice that it’s your in laws causing the issue. I think it may be time for your Fiance to stand up to his parents on this one. 

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