Post # 1
My SO and I have been together 4 years and I have been “waiting” for about 1.5 years. I would never leave him if he didn’t propose, but i would be so so sad. We have a very happy relationship and I am sure we would be happy together for life. We are great friends as well. We picked out a ring 5 months ago (it’s been in the house since) and we are going away next week and has made it very very clear he will be proposing then.
Here’s why I am sad. I have waited and waited. If we have another conversation about it I feel like I will cry. I will never understand why he didn’t propose ages ago and save me from the absolute soul destroying heartache the whole process has bought. When we talk about it he says “I’m waiting for a time when your not talking about it so I can surprise you”. I am not wedding obsessed (I will plan a nice one though) but for me all the joy and “lovey dovey-ness ” has been eliminated from the excitement of knowing it is happening. Waiting has destroyed my soul, not to mention my self esteem. I am sad that we have such a great relationship but it has been dampened by something so trivial. if we are ready, why make us get to this point just so it can be a surprise (and it’s not really a surprise anyway!)
I am hoping to hear from bees who have waited (waited and waited) who can offer support or even better, tell me their stories of how “they forgot all about the waiting time once they were finally engaged”. I am very excited that it’s finally happening but I am worried all the resentment will make a happy occasion a little bittersweet.
Post # 2
We were together seven years REALLY getting to know each other before he proposed. He and I had just both come out of marriages we believed in when we met. I think for a while we were wanting to be in a relationship with no expectations other than building a life together (which we did). We had intended on getting married eventually and talked about it for years, but it was awkward when friends and family that had been together less time than us were getting engaged.
In the year he proposed, he started asking about rings, and I showed him a couple of things I liked. For all the talk about marriage, you’d have thought I’d expect it, but we went hiking one day before he had to go to work, and I was so tired from booking it up the mountain to make good time, I didn’t realize the reason he wanted me to stand at the top to take a picture was so he could propose.
Good things come with time, and sometimes life (and loved ones) don’t work on our time table. It’s not just about us, after all. It’s a commitment from TWO people and the men have to be ready for it as well. In my fiance’s case, I know part of it was waiting until he could “do it right” and also get the ring he wanted to; which was sweet, but certainly not a stipulation I made.
Post # 3
The proposal is really the only part that the guy has all the control over- we’re just left in the dark, for the most part.
I would LOSE IT on my SO if he said “I was waiting for a time that would surprise you, and you had to stop talking about it long enough for me to feel like it was my idea all along to get engaged”. I’m sorry, if you go ring shopping together, and purchase, then that opportunity of the “OMG I literally had no idea this was coming at all because even I had not thought about getting engaged yet!” moment has long passed.
If he really wanted to surprise you, he could have slipped your ring on your finget during the night and asked you as soon as you started stirring in the morning. He could have brought you coffee in bed, handed you the cup, then got down on one knee. I’m sure you would have been surprised. More surprised than having the same conversation over and over, and doubting if he’d ever propose at all.
Hopefully you can turn your brain around in time to not have a sour taste in your mouth when you said “Yes!” to him 😀
It’s still very exciting! Knowing when it’s coming doesn’t have to be a bad thing, you get the anticipation build-up, you get to have that “this is really happening to me!” moment, you’re still engaged to marry the man you love and want to be with.
Post # 4
I just keep coming back to “soul destroying heartache.” You say you’d be sad if he didn’t want to get married but that you’d stay. You know he does want to get married. He bought a ring five months ago (not that long), yet this has made you unhappy in the days leading up to a proposal?
It sounds as though you are finally getting what you want but that it isn’t good enough. I’m all about sympathizing when people are really experiencing soul destroying heartache, but I’m not sure this is it.
Post # 5
darkhorse84: thank you for your response. You are certainly right that our men sometimes do not work on our timetable! He is a procrastinator at the best of times. thanks
lucialucentum: you are so right!!!! Any of those proposals would have been perfect! Takes a woman to think of it though. You are right, I should just be happy to be engaged to the man I love.
hope1981: I’ll cop that. I see what your saying and I need to hear that perspective too
Post # 6
I’ll add – so as not to be too harsh – my sister’s bf is getting ready to propose, and I think mine will too (waiting on the ring). Sister’s bf has had the ring on him multiple occasions but keeps chickening out. He wants it to be special. Special isn’t his thing. I talked to him about it yesterday. He brought the ring again…didn’t do it. They’ve been together 10 years. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to get married. It’s that the proposal is so hyped that he’s worked it up. So go a little easy on him and try to enjoy it.
Post # 8
Woops sorry for that last message! I can’t seem to delete it 😓
Post # 9
suzy1333: haha, I marked it helpful to make u feel better!
Post # 10
(((hugs)))- it does get better, at least for me it did. When some Bees tried to tell me the resentment and rollercoaster emotions would go away, I know they meant well in trying to reassure me, but frankly I thought it was bullshit and I’d always have this lingering feeling of ‘why didn’t he propose sooner’ & feel under-valued. Surprisingly, happily it wasn’t bullshit.
For one there are no arguments about it, because it’s no longer an issue. And I’m thinking I still might have a wee bit of repressed emotions because I can still commisserate with Waiting Bees & remember how it felt at the time, but it doesn’t stop me from being happy with my relationship. And you also find out things after the fact- like how nervous he was, how he regretted waiting so long and was afraid it wouldn’t be ‘special enough’. And, somehow it just doesn’t matter anymore that he took 4 1/2 years to propose instead of 2 or 3. I thought it still would, but it doesn’t.
And I hope this doesn’t come off as bragging, but it’s meant to reassure you- now that he’s proposed he’s totally into it. I don’t feel like I pressured him or pushed him into doing something he didn’t want because he is so obviously excited and has an adorably sweet and goofy grin on his face when I’ll slip up and call him my boyfriend and he’ll correct me and say ‘fiance’. For Christmas he surprised me with a ‘right hand ring’. He’s happily involved in wedding planning. So if you’ve had a few serious talks- or arguments or tears etc- or a timeline and all that, please don’t think it necessarily means it’s spoiled the engagement. I thought it might have, but it hasn’t & I hope you’ll discover the same. No, it wasn’t a ‘surprise’….though he did manage to catch me off guard, but I assure you it was still as incredibly special as you’d hope. The man you love is asking you to be his wife, to spend the rest of your lives together- and it not being a complete surprise in no way ruins how amazing this is. Good luck Bee, I hope you’ll have a happy update for us!
Post # 11
hope1981: Couldn’t agree more about the hype.
OP I was in a similar situation and was beginning to dread my proposal. I don’t really get the need to keep the ring so long but according to my now Fiance he doesn’t see the need to rush. He knows we will be together. He’s only planning on proposing once and wantEd to take his time.
Now we’re engaged the passage of time doesn’t matter. I’m just excited to be engaged.
Post # 12
I absolutely know this feeling. My fiance and I got engaged in October– we’ve been together 10 years. I started talking to him about wanting to get married a few years ago, but he wasn’t ready. I definitely thought that all the conversations and waiting would make the proposal not as special or exciting. I was wrong. All that will matter when he asks is that he has decided he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. People are ready at different times and I’m so happy I didn’t pressure him or give him an ultimatum. It would have felt so much worse to force him to propose when he didn’t feel ready. Just relax and try to be excited. If anything, I think our relationship is stronger now than it was when I first started talking to him about getting married. It’ll be ok. 🙂
Post # 13
LLMMCC: Waiting felt a bit like this to me too because if we were making all these plans together, why was it such a big deal? What was so wrong with our relationshp that made him want to hesitate?? We picked out the ring together and it sat in his possession for 7 months!! But the thing is, I knew he was proposing down to almost the hour and it was still the most special moment for us!!! I think it will be for you too! Focus on the time you’re spending together….do your best to be enjoying the moments….feel pretty during your trip….be smiling….it will be wonderful!
Post # 14
- Wedding: South Lodge. 2nd of Dec 2017
LLMMCC: chill out, he loves you and wants to marry you. Sit back and enjoy the moment It will all come out in the wash xx
Post # 15
I had a deadline on mine- we were set to marry Sept 2015- I knew he was working on it- and the anxiety was substantial- but I KNEW it would happen- and ultimately we had had a conversation and we knew we were getting married- it’s just the anxiety.
Really it’s a none issue- this shouldnt’ a soul crushing event- he loves you- he wants to marry you- but he wants to do it in his own time in his own way. Let him. you’ll be fine- I promise.