(Closed) Sad after argument with BF last night…

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

Have you tried talking calmly with him and asking him why he keeps promising, then changing his mind? From what you are writing, it would seem that there may be some underlying issues going on with him. I suggest that if you do talk to him about this again, just listen to what he has to say, and then maybe you two can come to a realistic agreement on how you want your relationship to proceed.

Post # 4
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I would suggest that you try a different method…instead of going to look at rings with him, maybe have a discussion or find the styles you like on the internet and give them to him. Just let him know that you don’t want to feel like you are pressuring him or looking over his shoulder so here are some ring styles that you like and whenever he is ready to go shopping, he can do so without you. It may also be a good idea to go shopping on your own to try on some things to see what you like.

It could be as simple as your bf being overwhelmed by the whole process and not wanting you to fall in love with something he can’t afford. There is a lot of pressure on guys to pick the “right” ring so in this case I would cut him some slack.

Post # 5
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee

That must be really frustrating – why don’t you look online? That way it’s a no pressure situation for you both. 

Post # 6
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree with noritake, I think a calm discussion is in order.  Clearly something’s up with him if he brought it up on his own AGAIN only to flake out minutes later.  It could be something silly (like he’s worried about pushy salespeople) or something bigger (like ambivalence about proposing).  Just listen to what he has to say.  If it’s just smaller concerns about ring buying, you could reassure him that “look, I just want to try on some rings so we can get an idea what styles I like, I have no intention of you buying something on the first trip, in fact, once we know what type I want you can make the purchase on your own at the time of your choosing” or something like that.

Post # 8
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Whoa, he seems to be freaking out big time.  It sounds like there are a few issues going on – with the fighting/pressure, and with his job situation.  I think there’s only one thing for you to do at this point – drop all engagement/ring/wedding talk and just live your life.  You could do Mr. Bee’s plan.  Seriously, if you want to give this a chance, he needs to be able to think the engagement was his idea.  He knows where you stand, so I think now is the time to back away from all the talk and drama.  If in 3 or 6 months there’s still no progress, you could consider if you still want to stick around.  Nothing good will come from beating this dead horse more w/ him right now – so don’t bring it up and don’t let him bait you into talking about it.

Post # 9
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

If he can not comprehend and aknowledge that breaking promises upsets people he has a serious problem. 

I don’t know what the right thing to do is but what I would do is this:

Ask him if he understand that breaking promises and changing your mind is aggravating and upsetting and is neither mature nor acceptable behaivor.  If he brings up rings and enagement or wedding in the next couple of month tell him no.  Just no.  He is behaving too wierdly to get engaged to him. Tell him you’re waiting till he grows up enought to be capable of making a damn decision and sticking to it and communicating it. 

If you’re sure you want to be with this guy than yeah give him six months or whatever to sort himself out.  During the six months no engagement talk.  If he can manage it talk about what marriage means to him and discuss concerns etc.  But if you’re at all not sure if he’s worth this, I’d just walk away. 

Post # 10
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I agree with Arachna for the most part. If you’re absolutely sure he’s the one for you, I would most definitely put in a few more months without any wedding/engagement talk. However, if you have your doubts, I, personally, would end it because his behavior is certainly weird and alarming.

Guys do NOT handle not having a job well at all. They like to be providers and when they can’t do that, they feel crushed. My husband is the same way. When we were first dating, he was let go from his job, and he became a different person. We worked through it together though, and everything was fine. I’m wondering if it really is just job stress with your Boyfriend or Best Friend or if he’s just not ready to committ.

Post # 11
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

He really sounds like he is jerking you around. Arachna put it well. He is acting in a way that would be hurtful in any context, not just in the emotionally charged engagement context.

My best advice would honestly be to back off for a while, as other Bees have said. Do things you enjoy, take a class, read books, etc. As lovely as it would be to have the wedding this summer, it isn’t the only time possible, and you can have a beautiful wedding later as well. You may find that him acting this way gets better (honestly, Fiance and I had some doozy fights before we were engaged), or you may find that he is manipulating you. Time will tell. Let it simmer.

Post # 13
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

@cute: yeahhh, umm, with that piece of info, I’m more inclined to end it than anything else, but that’s just me. He wants you  to move in ONLY because he no longer wants to make the drive to see you? I dunno, it just sounds really weird and controlling. Something like, “I love you, I want to see you more” should have been how it went down. Not, “I’m not commuting for work anymore, so you have to move in with me.”

Just my two cents.

Post # 14
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

REally sorry you are going through this….again….From just reading what is here, it seems like he said what he needed to say back in September to get you back – but his fundamental concerns of commiting to you haven’t changed.  I would def. not pressure him into getting engaged, because if he doesn’t do it because he wants to 100%, then he is likely going to continue his freakouts about the wedding/marriage etc.  I would back off, set a timeline in your mind, and if he doesn’t come to the realization by then that he wants to marry you, move on.  This guys seems to have something that is keeping him from making that commitment – how long are you willing to wait it out?

Post # 15
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry you’re having a rough time.  I’m not sure what is going on in his head.  So I won’t speculate too much.  But I strongly agree with other bees.  You should give him some space and focus on yourself. 

Good luck.  Keep us posted.

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