Sad and Anxious About Leaving Home After Marriage

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

I cant give you a lot of advice because I moved out at 19 and have moved countries several times since so I’ve never really had anxiety about change. But I’m very close with my family so I can tell you this:

 

– The first few days are going to be the hardest, just make sure there is a lot to do in the first month or two. the more you have to do, the easier it is to settle in, the less time you have to contemplate on your homesickness.

– Skype. I probable speak more with my parents then any of my friends who live close to theirs. I text frequently and I Skype a minimum of once a week. I call my mother usually on a weekday, after dinner, so we can just sit and chat with a glass of wine and this is never less then an hour. 

– Have an emergency fund. Find out how much it will cost you to fly over last minute (like first flight tomorrow morning). Hopefully you will never have to use it but just knowing you have this money set aside will is calm the inevitable ‘what if something happens’ feeling you will get. I used it once, my brother was having a bit of a crisis, I asked him if he wanted me to be there for support, he said yes (a huge thing for him to have to admit), so I was on the next plane over.

– Have you Fiance introduce you to any female friends he has, preferable before you move. Join clubs, classes, meet-ups, anything that can help you make new friends. New friends will help prevent homesickness.

 

Hope this helps an bit 

Post # 3
Member
768 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I agree with PP. Leaving home is hard :(. I moved across the country for uni when I just turned 20. didn’t know anyone – didn’t know the city. I am so very close with my family too, so it was a hard decision. You’re lucky you have your FH! You have a solid base to start a new life. I absolutely do not regret moving so far away – I grew up so much in that first year alone – learned all these new fun adult-type life skills 🙂 . Now, 8 years later, I convinced my Fiance to return home with me, so once again I’m reunited with my family.

Think of all the positives! All the new experiences you’ll have! The new life you can start. The new shops, parks, sights. Think of how it will absolutely open up your world!

Often it’s our anxiety that holds us back. But if you tell yourself over and over “but…what if it all works out?” and stop those negative thoughts in your head – I promise it will make a massive difference. Mind over matter. Just make the decision to be happy! And you will be I promise.

Also something that REALLY helped me: I had a trip home planned for about 6 weeks after I moved. It gave me something to look forward to, and made the first few weeks SO much easier. So yeah, plan a weekend or a week home quite early, and you’ll find as time goes on you need to see your family less and less. Homesickness will fade over time – that is an absolute guarantee.

Good luck Bee!!

Post # 4
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Hi Bee, I totally understand where you are coming from and kudos for posting this cause I’ve been feeling the same way but not wanting to share.

I am not having to move interstate, so mine won’t be as big a move as yours will be, but I have been trying to move things slowly to FI’s place – not sure if you are able to do this – so that there won’t be such a big “moving day” after the wedding. Maybe even if you could ship some of your things now so that they are there waiting for you and then you’re not having to stress about packing everything at the same time as stressing over the wedding.

I am trying to look forward to this new chapter and focus on how I will be able to make my new home with Fiance feel like a home – cushions, new sheets, art etc. Things that can make it cosy and homely.

I also think zias’ suggestion of having an ’emergency fund’ is fantastic – just for peace of mind. Mostly I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. I never thought that I’d be living at home until marriage but that’s just how things have worked out. It means that I have a pretty great relationship with my family – which is great – but also makes it really hard to leave.

Post # 5
Member
527 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: London, UK

I live in the UK so the distances are not comparable. However last year (a year ago today, in fact) I moved 2 counties away from my family to move in with my boyfriend as that’s where his work was. It’s a 1 hour 15 minute drive, which sounds like nothing, but I am very close to my parents and my grandparents (who all live close together) so the adjustment has been hard.

The worst bit was at the start of the year. My grandad was dying in hospital for 3 months. Had I been living at home still I would have been to see him most days. However it just wasn’t possible with work and the drive and being so drained and tired from the stress. I went once or twice a week. It was hard. I felt guilty. I felt guilty that I couldn’t take the strain off my grandma, parents and brother because of my location. It was just a hideous time. 

Day to day, I struggle. My closest friends who I grew up with are all back home. I do get lonely because of my boyfriend’s shifts. 

HOWEVER. I talk to my parents all day every day. By which I mean we have a group chat on Facebook Messenger and we just nip in and out all day. I rarely get a chance to miss them. I chat to my 3 remaining grandparents frequently and I go to see them or they come to see my as often as we can.

My advice is to keep those links of communication active. That way you never actually have to type ‘bye’ or ‘good night’. Psychologically this is helpful for me. Always have a date in the diary when you are seeing them, even if it is weeks down the line. It’s so helpful to have something to look forward to. Remember homesickness is normal. At first whenever I felt homesick I wondered if I had made the right decision, because I thought homesickness was a sign that I wasn’t happy. This is not true; it’s momentary and it will pass. It’s normal and just means you are lucky to have amazing people who you miss. See it as a fresh start. A new place to explore, new friends to make, a chance for a clean slate. Try to enjoy time spent alone; sometimes I do pine for my friends to be just down the street, other times I enjoy that I can just spend a day with myself, which was usually not possible when I lived at home.

There are so many pros and cons and there are times when it will be hard and you will question everything. Remind yourself of why you did it and about all the good things about your new situation xx

Post # 6
Member
834 posts
Busy bee

I can give you very good advice because I’m in the EXACT same boat as you. My fiancée is from Michigan, and I’ve lived in San Diego all my life. We were long distance for a long time. I moved to Michigan for him because he wanted me to marry him. I’ve left my entire family behind and I’m extremely close with my parents and sister…and my 90 year old grandpa who’s recently become ill. It’s really hard. Really darn hard unfortunately. What has helped me the most is that I got a job immediately when I got here, so I’ve been keeping very busy. I spend a lot of time with my fiancée, and we’re very happy so the days go by. I also have the support of his family, who are extremely kind and have been really good to me. I talk to my mom and sister pretty much everyday, and I’ve gone back home twice in a year, plus we had a girls trip on the east coast recently. So I would echo the advice of PP who said have an emergency fund, take trips back home, etc. For me, the scariest part is the thought of permanence…the idea that I’ll be in Michigan for the rest of my life while my parents get older. It’s actua an unbearable thought for me.  Do you guys have a plan of ever moving back to CA?  That’s definitely my plan eventually (we met in San Diego and he misses California too) All I can say is it’s a big decision and a lot if sacrifices, but if you are with he right guy and in love, it’ll be worth it.

Post # 7
Member
834 posts
Busy bee

Btw, I also lived with my parents basically my whole life (except for some times during college), so you and I are pretty similar. Where in Michigan will you be living?

Post # 8
Member
689 posts
Busy bee

It is totally normal to feel anxious. These are two huge life changes happening at once. Use your FH for support during the transition, but also try to branch out and make friends in your new city. This is an opportunity for a new adventure! 

Post # 9
Member
3524 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

I have always lived close to my family and spent a lot of time with them even though I had moved away from home 10 years prior.  4 months ago I moved 2 hours away to live with my SO. It’s quite the transition. Here are a few things that made/make it easier:

-spent a lot of time with his family before moving, so I have a support system here
-spent a lot of time at his house so it was comfortable and familiar
-adopted a puppy (honestly, I think this is the biggest help!)
-got a job that got me out of the house
-everywhere we go, SO introduces me to people (we live in a very small town)
-friends have already come to visit and we go back home to visit once a month or so
-I had a very busy social life back home, so when I’m feeling down, we make plans to go do something. SO is very good at making friends with random people and one of the most fun nights was at a bar nearby, we drank and played yard games with a bunch of people we’d never met haha!

I never had any desire to move away from home, but I love my SO to pieces and he would have moved to my city if it wasnt for his work. We talked about pros and cons and for the life we want to build, being here made the most sense. It’s not always easy, some days feel very lonely and I miss my busy life & friends. But when I feel that way, I text someone or make plans to go back home or do something fun. If you’re feeling homesick or lonely, talk to your SO! Tell him how you’re feeling and what you need from him to feel better. My SO always tries to cheer me up or give me advise but all I really want is a hug, so him knowing that is helpful for both of us. Good luck with the move! 

Post # 10
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020 - New York, New York

I’ve been on my own for a long time now, but I remember how hard making the transition was. I moved away from my family when I was 18 and went to college out-of-state, and I was really homesick. One thing that helped me (and might help you) is scheduling visits! Knowing that I was going to see my family again in X number of days gave me something to look forward to when I was really missing them. Since you’re getting married in August, could you visit (or could they visit you) in September or October? Care packages are also really nice; throughout college, my mom sent me small things, like Lindor truffles and a handwritten note, and it made the distance seem shorter. Also, I second what the other Bees said about Skype/Facetime and talking on the phone! I’m probably closer with my family members now (talking on the phone 3-4 times per week) than when we all lived under the same roof. Ultimately, just give yourself time to get used to everything. It might be hard, but give yourself at least a year to adjust to your new situation. With time, living in Michigan will become your new normal, and it won’t seem like a big deal like it does now. 

Also, one thing to get excited about…the state of Michigan is amazing! I lived in Michigan for several years, and there’s so many great trips you can take with your SO. Traverse City is really pretty and they have the cherry festival each year, the Sleeping Bear Dunes are STUNNING, you can lay on the beach at Grand Haven during the summer, drive up to the upper peninsula for pasties and anything outdoors (kayaking, hiking, driving ATVs), ride bicycles and eat fudge on Mackinac Island, go out to eat at the fantastic restaurants in Detroit or go to a Red Wings or a Tigers game, drive across the border and visit Windsor in Canada…the list goes on. Change can be scary, but you have a ton of things to look forward to! 

Post # 11
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

Aww big hugs! This is hard for anyone. First, don’t put pressure on yourself to be 100% happy after you marry and move. Let yourself feel homesick sometimes, it’s totally normal even though you’ll also be a newlywed. My biggest piece of advice is to keep busy and do fun things for yourself, with and without your husband. Not sure if you’ll be working right away, but if not it’s especially important to nurture hobbies, get involved in your new community, learn something new. Volunteering is always a great way to get involved and meet new people.

Best wishes for your wedding and big move! 

Post # 12
Member
977 posts
Busy bee

I moved across the world when I was a year older than you. I just did it for the adventure. I was also very close to my mum and my friends and it was very hard at first. I threw myself into activities, volunteered at an aquarium, learned Tai Chi and got out and joined clubs to meet people and bought a bicycle to really see more of my area. It will be hard but you have your guy there to lean on.It was the most freedom I ever felt in my life. Over time you’ll become more used to all the new things and make it more your home. Go out with your guy and find your favourite retaurant, picnic spot, view etc. You’ll be fine. Good luck.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors