Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years. Of course I would like to be engaged but I am not. My boyfriend brought it up a year and a half ago and that got me really excited. Well, “the” conversation has been brought up numerous times. Since he brought it up I would ask him things then he would throw it under the bus. Because of this, I stopped talking about it but of course it would hurt my feelings. Then he would bring it up and I would throw it under the bus because I did not want to get hurt again by him throwing it under the bus. Basically its been back and forth.
As of now, he brought it up once again and instead of getting excited I was mad and not really happy to hear the news. I am upset because all of my friends are getting engaged/married. Some of them have started looking at rings. He has a deadline (he asked me when I would give up on him) and its around this time of next year. I feel like I am being selfish but the date decision was made a year ago and I dont know if I want to wait that long.
I stopped talking about it and sadly I feel like I am slowly and surely agreeing that I would be better off myself. It hurts seeing people get engaged when they have been dating for a shorter time them us and I can’t help but ask myself “Whats wrong with me?” I just dont get it. He said its coming and we need to start talking about it but we talk and thats it. He wont take me to look at rings or anything. Its as if he’s just keeping me around by telling me what I want to hear.
Things about him, he did just start his job so I understand that he is trying to save money. However, I feel that he could have started saving a long time ago when he said something about it a year ago especially when he tells me how much he loves me. P.S. thats aggravating too. He will say “Do you know how much I love you?” I say yes and then he says, “NO, I mean, do you really know how much I love you?” I just want to be like SHUT UP because I know he is referring to him proposing.
Also, I told him I wont move in with him until I am married…. He got upset but I am sticking to it!
Obviously, I am an emotional wreck and definitely need some help!! HELP!!!!!
Post # 3
Welcome to the boards! (and a hug…)
Have you read Mr. Bee’s 3 Step Plan?
It is just in general a good thing to do for yourself! I’m doing the back up plan and feel great.. I have picked up a second at-home job, been outside and don’t look ghastly pale anymore, went a lot blonder (he loves it, hehe), planted a garden of flowers… And I feel great because I’m doing these things for myself 🙂
It’s definitely a pick-me-up to feel good and do things you enjoy!
Post # 4
I second Mr. Bee’s 3 Step Plan. It is brilliant! You need to take care of yourself and he needs to feel the loss of you being busy with activities that are fun for you. You are worth taking time for yourself. He’s gotten too comfortable and isn’t appreciating you. Best wishes.
Post # 5
sorry you’re frustrated! and i dont have anything super helpful to say, but i just wanted to mention that i think you are very smart not to move in with him—i have a couple friends who desperately wanted proposals, which seemed like they might be getting soon, and then caved and moved in with their boyfriends, and now their boyfriends dont really seem to be taking marriage seriously anymore (they are great guys, and i know they will propose to my friends EVENTUALLY—so its not like the relationships are bad—but moving in together definitely slowed the engagements down).
can you sit your BF down at a neutral time and bring up the subject gently? and try to explain to him that it is making you sad not to be engaged, etc. and i would just leave it with as little pressure on him (as possible, anyway)…but just explain that you are sad and frustrated and you need him to just be aware of it, and not to tease you with the subject because it is sensitive.
Post # 6
Yes the Mr. Bee plan is brilliant!!!! I will definitely take that into consideration…. You know the funny thing is I don’t even bring up the subject anymore, its all him. It makes me sad because I do feel teased. I have even gotten to the point telling him (when he does bring marriage up) that we do not need to talk about that right now. I dont know in my opinion ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. I am tired of hearing about it and instead I want to see it for myself.
Post # 7
I told my DH at some point to stop talking about getting engaged until he was actually proposing. Every time the topic came up I’d get really excited and I was sick of feeling let down when nothing came of it. We’d decided to spend the rest of our lives together, and he said it was important to him to propose with a ring (as opposed to just “getting engaged”, which I was happy to do, ring or not), so once those things were agreed I didn’t really want to hear anymore about it until it was actually happening. I feel your pain 🙂 All the best!
Post # 8
mountain.bride, when the time came for him to “talk” about it did he take you ring shopping? I mean how did you know that he was really serious this time?
Post # 9
I can really relate to this post. My FI and I were together for nearly 7 years…yes SEVEN, before he proposed. I had a lot of similar feelings that you do. The worst was when my fbil proposed to his gf after dating for less than 1 year. I was like, what is wrong with this picture??
I wish I had read Mr. Bee’s plan back then. But, I did do a few of those things and it helped. We had several conversations about marraige and he made it clear his intention was to marry me, but wanted to finish school first (took him long enough!). finally told myself (not him) that if he didn’t propose by the end of the year then i would bring it up again, but I stopped talking about it for a while…didn’t mention it at all. Finally, on my birthday (in November!) he proposed and we are getting married in 39 days!
The best part is that after we got engaged he says to me, “this is probably going to make you mad, but I can’t believe I didn’t propose sooner…now I’m just ready to be married!”
It sounds to me like you are really starting to resent your bf and and the whole situation (I’ve been there). I think you need to have a very serious conversation with your bf. Let him know how you are feeling (this is the person you are supposed to be able to talk to about everything). Take back you ultimatum, but give him the opportunity to tell you what his current timeline is. Tell him you are not trying to ruin any surprises, but you really need to know that this relationship is quickly moving in a direction you want it to. I really think the most important thing to do right now is COMMUNICATE how you are feeling. Good luck!
Post # 10
Hugs to you…so sorry you’re going through this. I know the 3-step plan has been suggested, but (just based on my superficial reading of your situation) if you feel like you would be better off by yourself, maybe an engagement isn’t what you should spend your energy into. I hope I’m not causing offense, it sounds like you are pretty confused. The wonderful thing about Mr. Bee’s plan, however, is that it’s heavy on ME-time, which is what any woman can use!
Post # 11
MzMarzipan that really is good advice and I honestly do not know what I would do if I experienced what you went through. I guess I have tried to communicate with him but maybe I am doing it a wrong way??? He said, “what would make you feel better about talking about engagement stuff?” I told him that if anyone were to ask me about a proposal I would deny it and tell them that we weren’t thinking about it. Of course I want to tell people we are talking about it but I just don’t want to get hurt. I even told him that I really do love him but I love myself more.
MissLLC I always think about that. I am strong enough and love myself enough to know that I would be ok, but of course I don’t want that. I would just like my BF to take it seriously if he going to bring it up. I dont know, like take me into a store if hes serious?!?!?!
Post # 12
P.S. I definitely resent my BF I will not lie. BUT I want more than ever for that feeling to go away and I will take any advice to make sure of that 🙂
Post # 13
I’m sorry. Keep us updated…
Maybe the next time your bf asks if you kow how much he loves you, you should say, “No, I’m not sure that I do….”