(Closed) Sad and Scared. How do you heal?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I can’t imagine how hard it would be. I wouldn’t give up if I were you. Marrying your best friend is the best thing you could do. My suggestion would be to start from the beginning. Start dating again. Let him court you. Talk to him about it and if you are both on the same page about wanting to fix it, try to star over.

A relationship will always go through hard times and if you can’t make it through this then you’ll know it’s over. But you should try everything you can to make it work.

Also, I know this may sound silly, but if you two decide to try to work it out and start dating again, try not to have sex until a certain time. I always found that having to wait made me want it so much more. Don’t jump straight into sex right away because that takes the fun from it. Make it a goal and then once you get there it will be amazing. Be boyfriend and girlfriend again for awhile and see how you feel.

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
1571 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This is such a sad post. I’m so sorry you have been feeling this way. Is there something in your relationship that changed the way you felt toward him? 

Post # 5
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@saddestbee:  I disagree that passion cannot fade in a year.  In fact, I’d argue that not only *can* it, it ebbs and flows throughout the duration of the relationship.

 

When Boyfriend or Best Friend and I first started dating, we had sex every single day which is pretty typical in the beginning of a new relationship.  This went on until we had to move across the country after a few months of dating for his job and to help his family, as one of his parents was ill.  Pretty much in a weeks time, our entire lives changed: we went from a city we loved with jobs and people we cared about to a totally foreign area.  He had to work long hours for the business and I had to take a job bartending again.  The sex life was the first thing to suffer.  We went from sex almost daily to maybe a couple of times a month…maybe.

 

I thought it was me but when I talked to him we came to the realization it was US: not “us” as in we’d grown apart, but “us” as in WE were so overwelmed and miserable that sleeping together was the last thing on our minds.  We lived there for 9 long months before making the decision to move back for the sake of our sanity and relationship.

 

I’d say within a week of being back in our home state we were headed back to normal.  We have now been back nearly a year and I’m seeing definite improvements in our sex life. It’s not perfect yet, but so so much better.

 

My point is: relationships go through phases for a million reasons.  After we moved, I was beside myself about the sex situation and felt like maybe we’d grown apart.  I’m so so so glad I talked to him and we got to the root of it.  If you feel like you could never find someone like him again, really deep down, then I would take a good hard look at what life could be like if you broke up with him and it this was something that was fixable. You described him as a brother.  There are times I’ve pictured my Boyfriend or Best Friend the same way: I love him like my best friend AND like family.  Just think before you choose to make such a huge decision.

 

I’ll leave you with a quote:

“A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.”
 

Post # 6
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

It may not be time to give up. Have you talked to your doctor about your lack of desire? Are there other things going on in your life that could be affecting this? Change in hormonal birth control? Stress at work? etc. Have you two gone to counseling with a sex therapist? Things may not be over yet. You haven’t exhausted all of your options.

Post # 7
Member
9643 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@badabing88:  Wow.  What you wrote is so perfect and beautiful.  I have nothing more to add.  OP, this is wonderful advice.  

*  sniff  *  wiping away a tear …

Post # 8
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Has he said why?

Post # 9
Member
739 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I am so sorry that this is your situation! Lots of support in your direction. Relationships are tough and the intimacy isn’t ALWAYS there. Have you guys tried to work on things? If you’re open to talking about it, maybe you’re open to trying to work on the intimacy issues! Take it slow in the beginning. It’s hard to suggest how to do this because every couple is different. Fiance and I have trouble sometimes, too. Life gets in the way. Wait no, correction. We LET life get in the way! Usually a vacation helps us get back in the swing of things.

I hope that you can work on things, and that in the end you can fix this! Because lets face it, it is so important to have a great relationship with your FI/DH. Lots of love and hugs. 

Post # 10
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Sunfire:  Thank you Innocent The OPs situation is so similar to my own that I felt I had to lay it all out there. The sex issue was a real struggle for us and being on the other side of it I’m so thankful everyday we worked through it instead of throwing in the towel. 

Post # 11
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@saddestbee:  I agree with PPs, I would not give up on this relationship yet! Talk to a doctor, consider counseling together, go on dates, do romantic things together that will build intimacy between the two of you. Passion can fade, but you can also do things that will allow it to grow within a relationship. 

It may sound silly, but maybe all it will take is for the two of you to have sex again, to put your brain back in the mindset of seeing your Fiance as sexually attractive. 

Good luck, OP! 

Post # 12
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@saddestbee:  Relationships have ebbs and flows, sexually and otherwise. In my past relationship that lasted many years, sometimes we loved sex and sometimes we just didn’t. What you’ve said is important – he is your best friend, and in the ideal world, you marry your best friend.

Everyone assumes passion should come naturally and it’s easy. Well, that’s just not true or realistic. This isn’t Hollywood, and it takes work! You can’t put a timeline on a relationship – we got engaged after 3 months, and so our process was accelerated. It’s entirely possible to lose passion after a year and it’s also entirely possible to get it back.

It sounds like it might be more than this though. I consciously work at keeping our sex life sexy, but I am attracted to my Fiance. We never lost that, even though the “I MUST HAVE YOU RIGHT NOW” feeling doesn’t come over us as often (life gets in the way – you have to find time to not let it!). You compare him to your brother and this troubles me. Perhaps it is too far gone, but only you know that.

My advice: you will face all kinds of challenges and obstacles in a marriage. It won’t always be easy or fun. But it will always be (and FEEL) worth it. Anything can be overcome if you’re both dedicated to it.

Post # 13
Member
7475 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

These kinds of issues often respond well to couples’ counseling.  I’m in the don’t be too hasty to give up camp.

 

I’m married to my best friend.

Post # 14
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@saddestbee: 

aww, OP, i really do understand.  i’ve had some of the same thoughts you are preoccupied with as well. i’ve been in previous relationships that were really really emotional and had such great chemistry and we’d have sex multiple times a day, every day. and it was fun and awesome, but i never felt like they were my best friend. 

my Fiance and i are absolutely best friends. we joke about our poop, we call each other “grumps” when we’re in bad moods, and have a million other little inside jokes that i love. but we only have sex once or twice a week, and i usually have to will myself to get in the mood. once we do have sex, it is seriously the best sex of my life because we are so open with each other. but i have to get myself in the mood to have it lol. to do so, i normally try to really force myself to look at him and think about all the things i love about him, and realize he deserves to be satisfied sexually. so then i think about things that turn me on, sometimes he has me start on myself if necessary, and then we are ready to go.

back when we were just dating, we did have sex much more often and it was fun and everything, but i just love our companionship SO MUCH now that i don’t even miss the sex. i love being able to just be myself and spend 90% of our time in “comfy clothes”.  i like being able to be honest and say “oh babe i’m so full, i don’t think i could have sex right now” and have that be okay.

 that being said, i did tell my Fiance that i feel like we don’t connect sexually enough, so we are making an effort to do it every other day/every few days instead of like once a week.  it’s been working well so far, and i do feel better about things.  maybe you should just talk to your Fiance about it? maybe he’s feeling the same way as you but just doesn’t know how to bring it up. 

Post # 15
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@sleepyhead22:  You guys sound JUST like us, right down the the poop jokes (though that’s one sided, he doesnt find my jokes as amusing as I do 😉

 

This also sounds just like us:

 

“i like being able to be honest and say “oh babe i’m so full, i don’t think i could have sex right now” and have that be okay.”

 

At some point, I think I just got it in my head that, though we may not have sex constantly, there is stuff he does that NONE of my former, very sexually-active partners did.  Like cuddling: my boyfriend is a cuddle monster, even at nearly 40 years old.  He holds my hand nonstop and wants us to do everything together, even to occassional the chagrin of his friends. Those qualities I’ve never had in my other more sexual relationships.  I wouldnt trade him for anything.

Post # 16
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This sounds like my ex and I. I just flat out was NOT attracted to him anymore. He was a good person, treated me pretty well, etc, but I just so wasn’t into him anymore. He was a good friend at that point that I spent a lot of time with. I became attracted to other people.

For me, personally, that was a sign. I knew I couldn’t be with a man I was by NO MEANS attracted to physically anymore. I KNEW it was me, and not him; he still wanted to have sex, but I was so turned off that I just couldn’t do it anymore. We ended up splitting up, and then I met my now husband (so it all worked out in the end). 

Be honest with yourself, and think about whether or not this is something that you feel can or will change about you and your feelings. This is about him, too, sure; but first and foremost, you need to think about yourself, and really think about what is the root of the cause and if it’s something that can be worked on. As sad as it is to say, sometimes if you’re just not into someone, then you’re just not. For me, I KNEW no matter what my ex did to make me want him, or to make me feel beautiful, would feel contrived. I wouldn’t be able to take it seriously because I knew my own true feelings, and that wasn’t fair to him.

Now, my husband and I are on the same page in terms of sex and our feelings for one another. We don’t have sex as often as when we first started dating (as is natural), but we do have it a couple of times a week. We’ve been together for 3 years, and I still love it! (It fizzled in my last relationship, and each before that, after 6 mo-1 year). So, you CAN have passion and the best friend, it just takes the right person. 

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