Post # 1
Sad bee here today. I said goodbye to the man I love this morning for the last time. I’m 32 and we’ve been together just over three years, living together for two. I’ve always wanted marriage and kids and he’s always said “when the time is right”… the topic has become quite contentious over the last year as I understandably would like a little more than that. And it’s turned into a hot topic.
Well, during a discussion last week he admitted the older he gets (he’s a bit older) the less he sees himself having kids. He also says he wonders if we have what it takes to raise a family together, as we disagree on a lot. I finally got the courage to call it, but I’m devastated. He’s very sad too but apparently not sad enough to change his mind. I’m moving out of his house after work today and back to stay with my parents until I figure out my next move. I’m sick about not sleeping beside him every night, being with him for Christmas. Did I do the right thing?? How could he just let me go?
Post # 2
torontobumblebee : awwwww bee… hugs. Often, the right thing is the hardest thing.
You did the most mature thing you could do. You knew your values were not compatible, your current heartache is saving you from the eventual heartache you would feel when you were ready to start a family and he wasn’t.
You did such a hard thing, but you know it was the right thing.
I hope you find comfort in your family and friends
Post # 3
I’m so sorry you’re going through this bee.
As much as it hurts I think you made the right decision if you’re really disagreeing about kids. That topic can cause divorces and is really important for both parties to be on the same page.
If he’s really not going to have kids and that’s something you want than sooner or later this would be the result
again I’m so sorry. You must be so sad but I hope you’re able to move on for yourself
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2007 - City, State
torontobumblebee : this is so tough. But kids are one of those really, really big things that you have to agree on. It was the first thing my husband and I talked about when we met and discussed our futures.
You don’t want someone who “might” want kids if you definitely want marriage and kids. Trust me. Life is hard enough, and pregnancy and parenthood are hard (but amazing) things. You don’t want a fence sitter or someone who will just give you what you want to appease you. You want someone who will be holding your hair while you puke and who will talk to your belly and who will change diapers at 3am. I am pregnant with our 4th baby and we are just as excited for this baby as we were for the 1st. You want a man who wants this with you.
He gave you a gift by being honest and you did the right thing by ending it if kids are truly non negotiable for you. You will be ok. And when you decide to date again, whether in person or online, be comfortable with being very up front early on about what you want. Grieve the loss of your relationship but please know you can get love and everything you want in life with the right person. You can love someone fiercely and still be wrong for one another.
Post # 5
Bee – can I just tell you you are doing the best, most mature and bravest thing.
You are exactly me 2 years ago – except my break-up probably wasnt so mature / civil, and I couldnt bring myself to do what you are doing until my Boyfriend or Best Friend had basically called time on it. I admire you for standing up for yourself and want to you so much.
Take this time at Christmas / holidays to be close to your family and friends and to try to take your mind off things for a while. I too moved back home just before Christmas and was so SO thankful I was able to do so – so take adavantage of that at least.
I know you must be so sad, but please at least just feel better that you made the right call. The age old words of wisdom – time is a healer – is so so true, and the next time you meet someone you will be even stronger and more wise as a result of this.
So just be good to yourself in the mean time. Throw yourself into work / hobbies / whatever, to take your mind of things and focus on something else for a while.
p.s. I am glad you are getting yourself out of the house ASAP, PLEASE, for your own sake, stay no contact, it just makes it SO MUCH easier on yourself when a relationship ends but you havent fallen out of love.
Post # 6
You ABSOLURELY did the right thing, remember that the right thing is very often the hard thing in the short run. Chances are he would have made a crappy father anyway. You still have time. Find someone else who shares your desires and date only for marriage. Weed out anyone who is less than enthusiastic about commitment and children. If you look at their actions you know.
Example: man #1 talks all the time about wanting a son. He arrives at your house and your toddler cousin runs up to him and he’s unsure what to do.
Man #2 doesn’t talk about marriage or children at all – like never. When he comes over, your little cousin runs over to him and he crouches down to talk to her.
I know which man I picked (#2) and he turned out to be an excellent father and proposed 6 months after we met. You have to have a critical eye to read the signs.
Post # 7
You did the right thing. It will be hard and you’ll miss him and be sad for a while, but it WILL get better. Kids aren’t something that can be compromised on so there was really no way around this breakup. Sticking around just would have postponed the inevitable. Getting out sooner than later means more time for you to grieve, heal, and move on to a relationship with someone you’re actually compatible with.
3 years ago I went through an awful breakup a couple weeks before Christmas, so I know how much it sucks to be miserable and going through heartbreak when you’re supposed to be cheery. I had been planning to spend the holidays with the ex, so I bought an expensive last minute ticket to see my family for Xmas and friends for New Years. I cried a lot, had a lot of long talks with my sister, and moped around the house during Xmas. I wasn’t very fun or cheery, but my family was supportive and did their best to cheer me up. Seeing my friends for New Years gave me a major mood bood – we had a fun girls’ night, I vented, they supported me, and we went out and had fun together like old times. A really great guy asked me out on NYE, too, and even though I wasn’t ready to date anyone, the ego boost was nice. It gave me hope that being single could be fun again.
Anyway, it wasn’t my best holiday season, but I got through it. After a few months of grieving, I tested the waters and began to date again, and 8 months after the breakup I met my husband. 3 years later, I’m a happy newlywed, married to someone a million times better than my ex. All that to say, I know it feels like the end of the world right now – let yourself grieve! – but things WILL improve and you will find happiness again. Next time hopefully with someone who wants the same things as you. Hugs, bee!
Post # 8
You guys have gotten me through a really hard day (day 1 of many I’m sure). Been re-reading these posts. Thanks for the lovely words and encouragement ❤️
Post # 9
torontobumblebee : oh bee how i feel for you , don’t worry it well get better in time and you absolutely did the right thing. Just think you left the relationship that was going nowhere , If marriage and children is what you want you will find someone else who wants the same and who will make it happen for you. I wish you all the best bee sending you positivity and light!
Post # 10
You’ll hurt for a while but you will absolutely meet someone amazing when you’re ready to put yourself out there. Thinking of you! And so proud of for doing the smart thing and getting out of there.
Post # 11
Ohhh that’s so hard I am so sorry.
Sending virtual hugs to you from just down the road in Kitchener-Waterloo, ON!
You definitely did the right thing.
I’m sure he loves you dearly as well but the reality is that he had to let you go in this situation without a fight- if he doesn’t want kids he doesn’t want kids.
You wouldn’t want your future children to have a father who wasn’t enthused by their existence, right?
Keep your focus on your goals. You want a family! He can’t give you that. Time to move on. Cherish the time you had together but know you WILL find happiness again and you WILL have the family you’ve always wanted to have.
Your future self will be thankful that you made this decision.
Post # 12
torontobumblebee : Im so so sorry your going through. I know that nothing but time will help but I want you to know that putting yourself first and walking away is the best and smartest thing you have done.
You WILL find someone who loves you respect you adores you and wants the same things as you and does not make you wonder, or ask or argue to get those things.
Hugs bee <3