Post # 1
I am getting married on May 23 and I have 4 bridesmaids, none of whom are local. I have just found out that they are not planning to host a shower for me before the wedding. As far as I can tell, my maid of honor is falling down in her duties and everyone else is following suit.
Am I wrong to feel hurt and upset? I know that the bridesmaids arent OBLIGED to throw the bride a shower, but still. I am totally sad that I am not going to have the chance to celebrate my wedding with the important women in my life. For me, it isn’t about the gifts, it is about the chance to spend time with women I respect and admire and get their wisdom for a successful married life.
So, hive, lay it on me. Do I have any right to be upset?
Post # 3
I’m sorry 🙁 Although I hate to admit it, I’d be upset too. Can you talk to them, your mother, or other women in your life to see why? Maybe they don’t realize they are supposed to do it, or that it means a lot to you. Perhaps they can put something small together.
Post # 4
You can’t help how you feel. I"m sorry that you are so upset.
Does your bridal party know how you feel about having a shower, or in this case, not having one? Maybe they are unaware and of it and may be willing to make amends.
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2018 - Outdoor ceremony, banquet hall reception
My bridesmaids aren’t hosting a shower for me either. They all live out of state, which makes things really difficult for them.
I was disappointed at first, but I’ve come to terms with it. It’s just really hard when everyone lives in different locations. 🙂
Is anyone else hosting a shower for you? An aunt or someone like that? My aunt is throwing one for me, which will be mostly family, and then my bridesmaids are throwing me a bachelorette party. Maybe you could do a combined shower/bachelorette party with yours so you still get that time with them.
Post # 6
Yeah…I think you need to talk to your bridal party about this, or at least the one you feel closest to. I would feel really upset if I found out I wasn’t having a shower…this is your one chance to do it and you want one! Maybe they don’t know how important it is to you?
Post # 7
I can understand being upset. All but one of my Bridal Party members (+ my sis) is not local to the wedding, and none live near me. I never really expected a shower from them b/c it would be expensive and difficult to plan. But my Mom’s friend is throwing a shower for me (and mostly my Mom’s friends). This is traditional amongst their friends. My sister also wants to host something, so she’s planning on a tea where my local Bridesmaid or Best Man, some women who are close to me, and my BFF/MOH attend. I know these are sort of specific events to my situation, but is there anyone local who can host an event that might allow you to have the celebration you want?
And if you’re not planning it already, I definitely recommend a Bridal Party luncheon before the Rehearsal Dinner to give you a chance to enjoy time with your girlfriends.
Post # 8
Thanks, ladies. Unless there’s a secret shower in the works, it looks like I’m not having one. Very sad.
I understand that it is difficult, expensive, hard to coordinate, but I can’t imagine a scenario where I was a bridesmaid in a wedding and didn’t MAKE SURE there was going to be a shower. My maid of honor still lives in the town we grew up in, and she could relatively easily throw a shower for me and my close friends and relatives that live there. But, she basically said she didn’t think it was "worth it" because my family is so cheap and I wouldn’t get any nice gifts. That, unfortunatley, just made me sadder because for me it isn’t about gifts.
Now my Maid/Matron of Honor is saying (at least to the other bridesmaids) that she wants to have a
"shower" when they all get there for the wedding. But In My Humble Opinion that’s not really a shower, and I was planning on having a bridesmaid luncheon anyhow…
Post # 9
I think it is ok to feel like you do but please try to remember that you choose these women to stand up with you on your wedding day. Although all those fun extras have come to be standard they are not mandatory. With the economy the way it is everyone has had to make cut backs. You mentioned that none of our bridesmaids are local and i am guessing they have to travel for your wedding which most of the time involves paying for travel, time off work, lodging, and food. This is on top of buying a bridesmaid dress, shoes, getting their hair and makeup done, bachelorette party, wedding gift, etc. This all adds up. You state that you just want to spend time with them but if it is a shower setting even if they don’t get a gift they need to pay for food, drink, decoration and maybe even a location to host the bridal shower which also adds up. If you want to spend time with all these women throw a tea party and invite them all over and make it about thanking them for their support thus far and that you are excited about your future as friends together. Try not to feel that upset but just know that you chose these women because you cared about them and they aren’t falling down on their duties because as long as they are supporting you and your relationship In My Humble Opinion they are doing their job.
Post # 10
I’m sorry. I would feel hurt as well. I know it’s not a requirement, but come on.. It’s like saying a gift is optional for the wedding. Certain things are understood.I’m curious where your family is in this??? You haven’t mentioned your mom. What about some aunts? I would think this is the type of situation that makes family host bridal showers. How does your Maid/Matron of Honor know your famiy is cheap? Did she try to get something together with them adn got turned down?
Do you feel it is a real possiblity that you are getting a surprise shower? After the comment about your cheap family, and the fact that the girls are Out of Town, I’m not sure I’d expect it either. But I don’t know.
I would rather see your mom or aunt ask the Bridal Party about the shower, or offer to host. I personally couldn’t see myself asking my Bridal Party to throw a shower for me. Then they’d feel obligated but without the joy.
And what about the girls having the shower when they come into town? I know it’s not ideal, but they all probably want to be there. And less than desirable timing is one of those hazards when the BMs are Out of Town.
Post # 11
Do you have other friends or relatives that will pick up the slack? I now etiquette says family are not supposed to host the shower, but very few people abide by that rule.
Talk to your mom- maybe she and your aunts or some family friends will host.
I think it would terrible to miss that and I’d be crushed.
Post # 12
I second rosychicklet. Talk to your mom or Future Mother-In-Law or another family member and just let them know it is something you want. In my area, everyone’s shower is thrown at least in part by family of the bride. I never expected my girls to take on complete responsibility for throwing/scheduling/paying for my shower. My mom knew it was something we would do and she and my Maid/Matron of Honor have planned it together (my mom picks up the tab but my Maid/Matron of Honor – and a few BMs- have helped with the details, picking out favors and invites.) My Maid/Matron of Honor put her name on the RSVP and will handle that portion. You don’t actually have to spell out on the invite who is ‘hosting’ the event. As long as at least one of your BMs or close friends can make it and help with the gifts and whatnot, no one will think twice about who’s footing the bill. If it is something you really want, it can certainly be done. This seems especially easy to me if you are doing a shower at a restaurant or someplace, as opposed to someone’s house, because that person is automatically assumed to be the host.
Post # 13
I’d be really sad too. I agree you should check with your mom or a close relative and explain how you feel and see if perhaps they will host. I bet if your family knew you will be upset by this, they will step up to the plate!
Post # 14
I am in the same boat. My Maid/Matron of Honor is in Hawaii, the other three bridesmaids are in Kansas, LA, and Chicago. I live in Iowa and my closest friend besides my fiance is an hour away. I won’t be getting any showers. I have spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself It’s been especially bad when people like my sister who is a bridesmaid has said time and again I need a shower yet done nothing about it. I’m trying to look at it that lots of my friends and family are traveling to the middle of nowhere just for me. I only get that weekend but I can’t ask them to do more than that. The girls are all coming into town on the Thursday for a bach. party and there’s tallk that maybe Friday morning there will be an inpromtu shower but I don’t have high hopes. Maybe you can talk to your girls about having a lunch or something the day or two before if travel would be an issue..
Post # 15
I know how you feel. I’m not having a bridal party, but no one else is having any sort of shower for me. I didn’t think I’d care, but I’m a bit sad. 🙁 I asked my mother (since she originally had mentioned she thought someone would throw one) and her response was "oh well there’s palm sunday and Easter and school vacation coming up so I can’t imagine anyone will have time to do anything." (note: my wedding is in June and we’ve been engaged for over a year now :P)
Then again, very few people have been interested in celebrating our wedding, so it shouldn’t surprise me. We didn’t get one card or anything when we got engaged. No one disapproves either, they’re just…uninterested. So yes, I totally identify and it’s absolutely something you can feel bummed about.
Post # 16
@MegK I’m sorry. That’s not right. I’m happy for you. Congratulations!