(Closed) sad but true…(at least at the moment)

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

Sending cyber hugs your way! {{{{{}}}}}} I don’t wish what your going through on anyone. It sounds like you have planned your dream wedding– and today is the day to put your girl panties on… have a good cry first– and then pick up the phone and tell Dad exactly what your thoughts are. Be firm, keep it simple and unemotional. Be prepared for him to try and sway your decision–know that this is your day and if he wants to be a part of it he will have to follow your set plan. If you want them both to do the walk then say so. If you want him to take you half way and your other dad to take you the rest say so… and if you want him to be parking cars in the parking lot let him know that too!! Weddings are not about money (although I know it seems that way) they are about celebrating your commitment to another. 

Post # 4
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2007 - church ceremony and private club reception

Ok I am going to keep this short and sweet.  Its your day!  Your step dad deserves the privilage of walking his daughter down the aisle.  He was your father when your biological dad didnt have the time.  Do what you feel is in your heart!   My vote is for step daddy! Big hug!

Post # 5
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I think that if you would like both dads to walk you down the aisle, explain your wishes to your biological dad but do it in the most positive manner that you can. You know, emphasize the inclusion of your step dad and don’t make it sound like your other dad has less of a role. I think it’s more likely he’ll take it better if you don’t make it seem like you are somehow punishing him for his failings as a father. Just tell him that it is important for you to have every one included. Including him!

Post # 6
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

His financial contribution to the wedding is not worth his angst contribution.  If he’s going to hold the money over your head, calmly tell him that if it has strings, you won’t accept it.  Have whoever you want walk you down the aisle, invite your dad (and the superbitch) to the wedding if you want, and let him make his own choices.

You have all the power in this situation.  Set it up so that what you want is possible, don’t compromise what’s most important, and let everyone else worry about the consequences of their choices.  If he doesn’t come because of your walking-down-the-aisle preferences, it’s disappointing, but his own choice.

Don’t let it be about him and it won’t be.

Post # 8
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I understand that…I really do…but at some point you have to stop letting him manipulate you…I understand that you are worried about the money, and rightfully so, however, you let him get away with this and he will continue to do this to you the rest of your life…"Remember that money I gave you for your wedding, you OWE me this"…trust me, I have been there and done that…So you need to set your foot down and stop letting him control you…you are not 12 years old anymore…he does not have that power over you…

I know this sounds easier than it is, I have had to do it myself…so I know…but the freedom and liberation you will feel will be worth the confrontation…and to top it off, you will not have to worry about him doing anything like this to you ever again…once you set him in his place once, he will know he cannot push you around any longer 

Post # 10
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I just told him how it was…that I am a grown woman I can make my own choices and this is how it is going to be…and if he tries to through the money back at you…tell him to keep it…if that is all the respect that he has for his oldest daugther than you don’t need it…Like I said I know the financial situation is a hard one for you…but sometimes it better just to cut your losses and run…it will be so much more worth it in the end..

 

In your situation here is what I would say

"Hi Dad, I got your message, about you walking me down the aisle, I have always planned that both you and step dad share the honor since you both had a lot to do with raising me (that way he is sharing the responsibility, and you are not bashing him for not being there for you)

You both are really important to me and I cannot choose one of you over the other, so I am not going to, this is how I always pictured that it should be.  

*dad raises a fuss about the money he is to give "If I do not walk you down the aisle by myself you will not get the money, I am your real father"*

I see your point Dad, however, the money that I already do have came from step dad as well as mom, and like I stated before, I wish for you both to walk me down the aisle.  If you chose not to do so than that is your choice, I am making my wishes clear.  You are still welcome to come to my wedding and enjoy the day.

*Dad still making fuss about money*

I understand that if you do not walk me down the aisle alone I do not get the money, that is fine.  This is my wedding day and I am going to have it the way I feel is right for me.  So, the choice is yours, I do not expect an answer right away, but think about it and let me know as soon as you can.  (I know the wedding is only in 5 weeks, but trust me this statement right here will shut him up quicker than anything and put the monkey on his back…he will know at this point that there is no alternative, that he cannot get to you)

 

 

Keep it simple, to the point, emotionless, and be FIRM!  Let him know you are setting the pace, that this is your day and you will have what you want…if he starts getting beligerant, just keep a nice neutral tone to your voice, do NOT let emotion slip into it…you can do it…if you want to bad enough…but you have to make him understand that he cannot manipulate you on this…do not yell, do not scream, do not be anything but cordial… 

Post # 11
Member
378 posts
Helper bee

I used this trick when doing a phone interview – write down key words in front of you and look at them while you’re talking. Like "CALM" and "DON’T GET EMOTIONAL." stuff like that. And then some of the key phrases that BecicsBride said above. You can cry and scream all you want when you get off the phone, but use all of your power to keep an even voice. Take deep breaths. You can do it.

This is your day, not his. He wasn’t there for your life, he doesn’t get to run your day. It seems he also has way too much emotional control over you, which is understandable. But like was said above, you’re not 12. He can’t ground you. He can’t do anything to you but take his money away. In the long run, you come out on top. Be firm! Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I’m so sorry chica, this really sucks! I know how the dad thing can go. Just a little help  – here’s what I’m doing to get in both dads, as I have a step dad who’s been the father figure to me as well for a long period.

My bio dad is waslking me in, half way down the isle we will pick up my step dad and they will both lead me up and give me a way.

Maybe it could work for you.

Big hugs! Let us know how it all goes!

Post # 13
Member
202 posts
Helper bee

tell him just what you’ve said. that yes, he will be walking you down the aisle but that he will be sharing that duty with your stepfather. and that you hope he is ok with this, because you want both to be involved, which is how it has been in your life.

 

if he isn’t ok, nothing you can do about it but be gracious and say hope he changes his mind.

both ways work, whether one walks you first and the other takes over. or whether they both walk you down.

good luck!! 

Post # 14
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I can’t really see why you want this guy at your wedding at all, let alone to walk you down the aisle.  He is clearly a manipulate SOB, and he can’t care very much for your happiness at all, or he wouldn’t be doing this.  Really, you need to stand on your own two feet and suck up the money situation one way or another – and it will feel much better not to be hostage to his lousy $5k.

As far as the aisle – and again, I have no idea why you want to give this jerk the honor of walking you anywhere, when its clear that your stepdad is a much better man – you need to just tell him how you want things to go.  And you need to be prepared, if he wants to argue, to tell him its your way or the highway.  I have a feeling he has been manipulating you for years, as he clearly expects his behavior to get him what he wants.  But seriously, if he would refuse to come to your wedding over the issue of sharing the walk down the aisle, or even having the man who really raised you walk you instead of him, he doesn’t deserve to be there anyway.  And it sounds to me like you would be better off without him.

And about the money – seriously, see if you can’t cut bar expenses, cut back on appetizers, have fewer flowers…. there must be some way to cut back enough, even with only 5 weeks left, so that you don’t need to put yourself through this for $5k.  Think hard about it.  Its not worth it.

Post # 15
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

BesicsBride nailed the script, that is a very classy way to deliver the message to your dad.  Wedding planning is such an emotional time and it forces you to deal with a lot of issues that we mostly just ignore (i.e. publicly demonstrating which one is the more important father in your life!). 

I think it is very admirable of you to want both of them walk you down the aisle.  Completely understand why you didn’t want to deal with the issue previously, but it’s obviously an important point to address and your dad is probably upset that it’s 5 weeks out from the wedding, and he still didn’t know. 

You say it’s not about the money, but it kind of is.  Your dad’s contribution would help you out, and you feel entitled to it because you’re his daughter and it sounds like he has the means to give you the money.  But on the flip side, the same entitlement you feel to the money is the same entitlement he’s feeling about being your dad and having the right to walk you down the aisle.

There’s a lot of stuff that needs to be worked out, like the resentment you feel that he wasn’t really there for you, but there’s no way you’ll be able to in 5 weeks by the wedding.  So do the best you can to resolve the quick issue at hand, but be ready to not have your dad participating or attending, or contributing monetarily if that’s the route he chooses.  Good luck, and try to focus on celebrating marrying your awesome husband.

Post # 16
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

$5k is not worth even the angst this has caused so far.  You won’t remember the appetizers or extra flowers or nicer shoes or even the favors that $5k out of $50k bought, but you will remember how your dad hijacked an important day.  No strings attached or no money, that’s the only way to break this cycle.

The topic ‘sad but true…(at least at the moment)’ is closed to new replies.

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