(Closed) sad, defeated not sure what to do…..(vent)

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 1
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2011

‘ve been on bee for a while, I don’t post very often but just needed some support tonight. So if you can hang in there to read this mess, I appreciate your time greatly.

Sorry, this may be long. Just a little background, FI’s mother has bipolar disorder. Throughout his childhood, she has been in and out of psych hospitalizations, and Fiance has been there and supportive. Very sad situation as well as incredibly tough. So, bringing us to today, she goes through her ups(which have been known to include drug use) and downs and lately more often downs. And when she has downs, she calls Fiance (and everyone else)and harasses him and picks fights. Which is followed by him getting upset that his mom is this way and sad that things can’t be more normal.

So wedding related- his parents have been a part of our plans, we keep them updated on everything, and they had volunteered to pay for the booze at the reception and the rehearsal dinner, we’re having a big wedding around 250 guests so this was really really appreciated by us. And his mom had been off and on excited about things, and even finally chose a place to have the rehearsal dinner, which was more than we expected from her. 

So here we are 2 1/2 months before the wedding, FI’s mom has been in a down for a couple of weeks. Daily she has been calling us and telling us how we don’t include her, we are pushing her away, we don’t care that she now has some “unexplained” illness, we are insensitive to her etc. So, we have been trying not to overreact,and have  just been taking it day by day with her . Well, today she called and said some really awful things to Fiance about us and basically told Fiance that her and his dad will no longer be a part of our wedding and that we also will need to “pay for our own damn liquor” and rehearsal dinner. 

I wanna say it’s just one her downs, but this time Fiance is deeply hurt, upset and just flat out sick of dealing with it. I don’t know what to do or say to comfort him, plus now i need to figure out what to do and how we will possibly come up with a spare $5000+ to cover what his parents were supposed to cover.

i’m just so sad, so very sad for Fiance that he has to deal with this. I know she has mental illness, but things are just always so sooo soo incredibly hard and sad when it comes to her. i wish i knew what to do..

 

thanks for listening bees sorry so long….

Tagged: ,

Post # 3
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

ugh, i’m sorry you have to deal with this…  it sounds like a really difficult situation. i bet simply being there to listen if he wants to talk will help.

Post # 4
Member
14494 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I have also had to deal with this my whole life so giant (((((HUGS))))) to you both.  She will change her toon as soon as she starts taking her meds again, so try not to stress about it.  As soon as she does, your best bet is to get it all taken care of or just plan on doing it yourself.  With my relative, when they are like this I find it best just not to answer or hang up the phone.  Unfortunately, when the poor mindset sets in they usually take it out on those that love them the most.

Post # 5
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

Is there a reason I missed for why she isn’t on treatment. I understand having mental illness, I have my own, but as an adult I understand what I am when I am not receiving treatment I make sure that I do not go without my needed medication.

So, I kind of get a little sick of people who do have mental illness expecting people to just roll with their bullshit because they have a mental illness. Sure she has one, but she knows this.

Also, what does his dad say about this? why does your FI’s mother acting like this affect anything. Shouldn’t his dad be offering a  “Yes son …. your mom is mentally unstable. Don’t worry though you will be taken care of.”

Post # 6
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

My great aunt is bipolar, and I have dealt with it my entire life, as well. My grandmother died shortly before my wedding (my aunt’s sister) and the lows she experienced during that time caused huge rifts in my family. My mom still isn’t speaking to her. I think it’s sooo hard, when it feels so real and so personal, to separate the disease from how the actions caused by the disease make you feel. I’m trying to draw my mom out to accept that my aunt was in a major depressive episode, but I think it may have pushed her over an edge. I sincerely hope that this is temporary for you, and that his mom ends up apologizing and changing her mind. I don’t have advice, but there are lots of Bees that can relate and are happy to listen!

Post # 7
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Tunacupcakes: My aunt likes her manic ups, and that is why she doesn’t take her meds like she does. Not an excuse, but the side effects of the more serious meds can be horrible – I bet it really makes an impact in compliance with a doctor’s orders.

Post # 8
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

@crayfish: *nods*

Yeah I understand that. I have always suspected bi-polar disorder in myself because of really manic times and then followed by rock bottom wanting to kill myself. I have always wondered why, if I have depression that is so debilitating I could have so much energy and be so manic sometimes. (doctor put me on zoloft and I seem to be doing MUCH better, it does make my brain fuzzy though)

I just know that I would rather be an emotionless zombie/ or have those horrible side effects than put my loved ones through the hell of having to deal with my episodes. At least until I found something better.

Post # 9
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2012

It may sound cheesy but it will all work out.  There’s not much you can do for your FI’s mom but you can be a sounding board for his feelings about her.  I’m sure that so close to the wedding stress is high for everyone.  She may change her mind back and forth until the wedding , because the money is a power over you guys.  A simple, and calm statement that her contribution is greatly apprieciated but if she doesn’t want to help out thats ok too.  It takes away some power.  Your guests may have to pay for their own alcohol but you get to keep your sanity.  Definetly talk to his dad if its his money too.  You’re prob feeling better just getting it off your chest, but hope this helps

Post # 10
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Dealing with anyone with a mental illness is difficult especially when it’s a parent. I couldn’t take the ups and downs of dealing with my own bi polar mother so I have done almost ( with the exception of buying my dress ) everything without her. For me ( NOT NECESSARILY MY ADVICE TO YOU) the more distance I put between her and myself the more sane I have been. It is very hard for her to hurt me or get me upset with the emotional distance that we have now. I wish there was something I could tell you that would make you feel better but it looks like this is how she has been and this is more than likely how she will be forever. All I can tell you is that you are not alone (((hugs)))). You and your Fiance need to review your budget and try to adjust accordingly. I know this will be very difficult as your wedding is so close but try to come up with a plan now that you won’t have to depend on your FMIL’s money cuz the closer your wedding date comes the more stressful it will be.

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