Post # 1
sorry if this posts will be a bit all over the place, but my thoughts are also all over the place.
I have been married to my husband for one year and we have been together for 3 years total. A little bit of a back story is that i had an amazing childhood upbringing and family up until two months before we got married when we found out my mom is leaving my dad and they are getting a divorce. Understandably this made me devasteted and very depressed and things were happening one after the other like my mom who was my best friend growing up tried to commit suicide or the most recent one that i have to take a loan to help buy an apartment for my father until they can sell our family house and this is where our problems start with my husband.
Me and my husband were planning to buy a house, start a business and for him most importantly have a baby after we get married but now that i have taken this loan things are pushed a few years and we dont know how long because it all depends on when we can sell the house but maximum its 4 yrs( thats when the loan will finish)
He is feeling like im throwing away our plans to help my family and basically we fight about this every day. He is even more family centered then i am so i dont know why he doesnt understand that i have to help my family. And i think i need some advice from people who see this situation with the outside eye. Am i really that bad of a wife and unfair to push our plans for a few years to settle my family drama and we can all start happy without a headache?? Or should i have prioritised my husband and let my family sort out their mess?? I cant think clearly anymore.
I used to be a cheerful positive person brfore all this happened but its taken a big toll on me and my husband is always giving me a hard time about being depressed and sad all the time but i think if it would be him in my shoes he would be even worse because he is as much family centered as i am if not more. He is always telling me i want the old you i want the old you but honestly i dont know if the old me is comming back. There is just too much bad happened in the last year. He means he wants the times back when i was 22 had no responsibilities always happy and cheerful and my biggest problem was what we gonna eat for dinner. But i dont know how he expects me to be all happy when my whole family has fallen apart and i almost lost my mother. I am not the most pleasant person to live with right now but i still try my best every day to make him feel important and loved but its not enough for him. Honestly i never want to have sex anymore its the last thing on my mind but i still try to pleae him and be a good wife and have sex as much as i can but as soon as i say im tired and not in the mood he gets upset because “i dont give enought attention to him” (for reference we still have sex at least 8-10 times a month its not like its once a year)
Lately i have been feeling like i just want to get a divorce and be myself and let my husband have the life he wants because he really wants a baby he is kinda obsessed like he cannot wait he wants it right now and he doesnt understand even if financially we could have the baby im not mentally there. He is an amazing guy and he is right in many things like not giving him as much attention as before but honestly i give him all thats left in me and i dont have more and i just think that if we get a divorce he could get married to someone who is ready to give him a family He wants.
Before everything happened i really wanted a family with him but now i just think once all this is over i want to have time to myself to enjoy my life again a little bit before commiting to a baby and he will not accept that. Is it so bad from me to want a little happiness of my own as well before getting pregnant?
Im so sad and depressed and i have no more energy most of the time i think i just want to get a divorce to be able to be alone, but i love my husband so much. Will i regret for the rest of my life throwing away my marriage and possibly never having a family?? Because i dont think i can have a family with anybody after my husband. Should i stick around and wait it out till things get better? I also dont wanna waste his time i dont know when i will be ready to give him a family.
There is just so much in my head right now im sorry for this all over post and appreciate any advice pls dont be mean to my husband he is really an amazing man and i could not be with anybody else if we get a divorce but im really a different person from who i was when we first met so i understand him as well.
Post # 2
You certainly have a lot going on, Bee. This is probably not the ideal time to make a major decision, like ending your marriage.
Have you considered therapy? It sounds like you could really benefit from the support.
Post # 3
Your parent’s problems are not your own.
You 100% definitely should have talked to your husband before taking a loan and derailing YOUR family (you and your husband) plans. If my husband took a loan without telling me I would be LIVID. Financial decisions are and should be JOINT decisions. Your father is an adult man. He can get his own apartment. This is not your responsibility. I 100% understand why your husband is mad. You need to look into some counseling with your husband. Divorce is NOT the answer to your situation. Communication is. On both sides, you need to understand that your financial irresponsibility is effecting your husband, and he needs to understand the you had a knee jerk reaction to dealing with your parent’s divorce. Counseling Bee! Start scheduling.
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2019 - Canada
I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time! I understand that watching your parents marriage end and your mother attempting suicide is really traumatic. I think you need to deal with the emotions that trauma is causing. It’s normal to have these feelings, but it’s not healthy to just say “well something horrible happened in my family so this is me now, depressed and sad forever”. Is that really how you want to live your life?
You need to process these feelings and letting your own marriage be ruined because your parents marriage failed is not the way to deal with things. Get into therapy and find ways to cope with this without being dragged through all your parents crap.
Did you discuss your plans to help your family with your husband and how that would affect the goals you two had? I would be really upset if my partner and I had a plan and then all of a sudden he changed that plan to help his family without even consulting me. It’s too late to undo that, but now maybe you need to sit down and come up with a new plan. He also needs to figure out how to support you in this time and not demand “what’s left” of you. You can’t give everything you have to everyone else… if you do that, then what’s left for you? No wonder you’re so drained emotionally! I suggest individual counseling for you and couples counseling for your marriage. You and your husband are on the same team, but right now you’re not acting like it. You guys need to figure out a way to come together and face things as a unit.
Post # 5
Hey Bee, I’m really sorry you are going through this. My parents have had a lot of issues (health, mental illness, financial) since I graduated college and moved out and it used to really affect and depress me. It took a while but I finally realized (with the help of a therapist) that I am an adult and so are my parents, meaning I am not responsible for their well being or finances. Of course, as their adult child, you can help them as much as you are able, but you need to take care of yourself first. Your health, your husband and your marriage should come first. Your parent’s crisis doesn’t have to be yours. Just to put things in perspective more, this wasn’t a health crisis, like one of your parents being hit with a terminal diagnosis and insurmountable medical bills. They are both adults and decided to get a divorce. Have you considered maybe they are getting divorced for a reason?
Post # 6
Hi Bee- What a tough spot to be in! I can relate to feeling a moral obligation to help your parents. However, how’s putting yourself in a difficult financial situation and losing your husband’s trust helping anyone? It sounds like you’ve internalized a lot of what’s happened between your parents and that’s what I encourage you to work on. I hope you can understand that you’re not responsible for your parents’ issues. They’ve been adults for much longer than you have, so they’re better equipped to help themselves than you are (believe it or not). If you hadn’t been in a position to help them, they would’ve figured it out- trust me on that one. You’re young and trying to build a life with your husband and their issues shouldn’t prevent that. They’ve already had the chance to experience that and now it’s your turn, so focus on that. Yes- it’s hard seeing your family struggle, but in the end, you have to take care of yourself and your needs first because you only have yourself to count with, so take care of you. Best of luck! (P.S.: Therapy will be of great help!).
Post # 7
The thing that came through loud and clear for me from your post is that you need some time to yourself. Finding out your parents are getting divorced is a lot to deal with, even if it’s not you going through it yourself. Your whole family, your foundation, is being fractured and that is bound to make you feel uncertain, drained and lost. It’s very important to take care of yourself during this time.
I will say that you will have nothing to give either your parents or your husband if you do not take care of your own needs. You will be no good to yourself or to them if you have a breakdown.
Personally, I’d put their needs on the backburner for now and do what sassy411 suggested and go and talk to someone. A therapist, coach or pastor. Someone who can be there for you and to whom you can just get it all off your chest. Maybe treat yourself to a massage, a trip to the salon or a movie… just somewhere you can get away for a few hours and think. You’ll probably feel much clearer when you have done this. Don’t neglect this in the coming weeks – try to get away for some me time every now and again. It’s so important for recharging the batteries.
As far as your family and your husband are concerned. I agree with PPs that your parents’ money worries are not your responsibility. They are choosing to get divorced and, like it or not, they need to deal with the consequences of that. I would definitely not take out a 4 year loan to bail your father out, and put strain on your marriage. You could help him in smaller ways which your husband feels more comfortable with, but buying him an apartment is going too far in my opinion. He should not be putting you in that position, and I actually understand your husband’s outrage.
As far as your husband getting upset because you are not yourself… you need to talk to him. Explain how drained and sad you feel and that you are not able to be your old self again. Ask him for a bit of patience and space. You will go back to feeling your old self again once all these issues have settled down, but you need to put some boundaries in place both with your parents and with your husband.