(Closed) Sad :( just venting a little before I explode

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 18
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@julies1949:  +1.  Pretty much exactly what I was going to say.

Men are pretty straight forward; they don’t read between the lines.  If you have expectations, you often need to spell it out for them. 

I hope once you sit down and discuss things, you will feel more secure in your timeline. You’re 24, right?  He may not have realized marriage was even on the menu Smile

Post # 20
Member
1889 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

It sounds like he does love you and want to be with you, but you may need to be more proactive about the timeline and the relationship.

1. If your anniversary is coming up and he hasn’t mentioned anything, and you want to do something special, you just need to tell him ahead of time.  Do you two usually go out to eat for your anniversary?  Do you make the reservations?  Or does he like to “surprise” you with gifts/dinners?  If he isn’t the romantic surprise type, you might need to remind him ahead of time when important events are coming up so you won’t shut down and be disappointed when nothing happens.  I know DH loves me and cares about me, but usually for special events (like bdays, anniversaries), I end up making the dinner reservations or reminding him to.

2. You two should seriously talk about how you each see your timeline for your future together.  Maybe he feels like he wants you to have graduated and started working before he proposes, since weddings are expensive (as everyone on the Bee can attest to).  Maybe he is saving up $ for a perfect ring for you.  Who knows?  You need to communicate with him and figure all this out.

3. I gotta say, in this day and age I don’t really believe in the whole “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” thing.  All the married/engaged couples I know, including myself, were living together for a while before getting engaged.  I think you just need to be more assertive with telling him what you want and figuring out what he wants and when.

Post # 21
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@lsimpson:  Because guys can be dense about this stuff!

My Fiance said that he thought I was the one since we were 22.  It took him 4 more years to get to the ring. 

He always thought the engagement would happen when we are in our 30s.  I finally sat down with him and went over what has to happen for us to achieve his life goals.

2 kids?  Well we don’t want to chance having them after 35, so we’ll have to start by 31 at least, which means TTC at 30.  You wanted two years of marriage before children? Then we have to be married by 28.  A wedding takes over a year to plan, so we’ll have to get engaged by the time we’re 27.

That was a HUGE wake up call for him because he was almost 27.

We also had to talk about the ring.  he thought he had to spend $60K on it, so he was saving like crazy.  My jaw dropped.  “No!  God no!  Don’t do that!  The ring I want is well under $5K!!!”

 

Mine is also an engineer, and let me tell you, their analytical thought process is not conducive to a speedy engagement.  We’ve also been together for over 8 years, and he said similar things as your SO regarding marriage for 2 years before we finally had “THE TALK.”

You have to spell it out sometimes because men don’t always understand that “someday” had to start now. 

Good luck!

Post # 22
Member
4766 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Don’t you ask him what would make it the right time?

If not, do that.  If you did what does he say?

Post # 23
Member
699 posts
Busy bee

@lsimpson:  grrrr someday?????? I’m in the exact same boat, just 10 years ahead of u in age lol. Maybe leave some suble hints, like a jewellers pamphlet around the house, or send him e-mails about rings u like….or better yet, on ring websites, sometimes they have facebook “like” buttons, great way to get the word out lol

Post # 24
Member
768 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@BeachBride2014:  Reading your post made me laugh, my husband (of 3 months) is also an engineer and I’m quickly learning that I have to spell everything out or it doesn’t happen. He thinks so much differently than I do, lol 🙂 

Post # 25
Member
768 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@lsimpson:  I think you definitely have to spell things out for him, my husband is the same way. He proposed pretty quick, but if it were up to him we wouldnt have gotten married for 5 years after the engagement I’m sure. After a year and a half of being engaged I finally had to set a date myself and roll with it. 

Post # 26
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@october22:  Haha yes!  I think something about being male and being an engineer results in giant procrastinators. 

Post # 27
Member
768 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@BeachBride2014:  He’s just so logical about everything, where I’m much more like “eh, let’s just go for it! everything will be fine!” lol, together we make a good balance of fun and responsible 

Post # 28
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@BeachBride2014:  Exactly! Many men dont have a sense of time. When DH and I were talking about marriage, we seriously starting talking about it in Oct for about a week of intense discussions. He said let’s put this on the back burner until after the New Year. 

Backstory–my lease was up in June, I wasnt going to move in with him unless we were engaged and I wanted to be living with him less than 6 months by the time we got married (so an Autumn wedding).

So for the month of Nov and Dec, I really thought about and talked to friends about–do I want to get married in general? do I want to marry him? etc  Jan 1, okay I gave him  until Jan 2, I’m ready for THE TALK. He was shocked and stunned. What do you mean you want to talk about this now? I said after the New Year–He meant sometime from Jan 1- Dec 31 we were going to talk about it!!! WHAAAAA?

So I had to spell out why we had to decide in the next month or so if we were going to get married/move in together that year. If not, I was going to be getting a place on my own for another year. He thought we could decided in May, move in June/July, plan a wedding in Aug/Sept and be married in Oct. Silly Boys!

Post # 29
Member
1768 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@lsimpson:  you said: “..He says it’s not the right time for marriage..”

He doesn’t want to marry you hon, I’m sorry.  It’s been 8 years! Actions speak louder than any words. I wouldn’t waste too many more years. Even if you’re mid 20’s, it takes time to find the right person, having children is important to you as you said and you don’t want to end up running out of tiime. You may think that you’re young but trust me, time goes fast-in 8 more years you’ll be in you 30’s.  You’ve given him 8 years, that’s more than fair even if you began in High School.

He certainly enjoys all the benefits he gets from your relationship now, as you said you take care of him. He also probably cares for you but not enough to actually marry you. 

Sorry, know you don’t want to hear this, stop listening to people telling you to wait around, or making excuses for him and what he may be thinking, feeling yadaya. Or how it worked out for so & so, after 11 years (insert magical number) etc etc.

Take care of yourself. Tell him what you want, if he doesn’t want the same then move out and move on. He’ll try to keep you hanging on. He likes what he has now. Value yourself, you deserve someone who loves you enough to want to marry you.

Best wishes, sorry again hon. Take care and keep us posted.

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@tangentialbee:  +2

 

 

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