(Closed) Sad :( just venting a little before I explode(UPDATED)

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 1
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Yesterday I wrote a post being really sad about the situation I’m in, like I live with my boyfriend for 2 years and have been together for 8 years and still no ring. And I was really hurt because he talks about it, and children and our lifes together but doesn’t do anything about it despite my best efforts of being excited with the idea.

So many bee told me that i should communicate with him because, well…. men are dumb and need some extra spelling out to get the picture. So I did.

We where driving to my home town, a 2 hour trip, and I tought maybe was the right time, since none of us could really escape it. So I politly asked, after he says he wants two children in a nearby future (I don’t understand why he keep saying this things!), “Honey…. when are you planning to propose to me?” And maaan… there was like we hit the antartica. He was freezed. And then he says: “You’re talking about those things a lot lately, (Yeah… like he was not!), what going on?”

And then I explained to him that I wanted to change, since we were together for a long time ago, and living together and me behaving like his wife, and told him that when we moved in together I was hoping to get a proposal if things went well, and 2 years after, nothing.

He was choked. Aparently that idea never crossed his mind at all!

Then he says: “I really want to marry you, but I have other things first. I hate my job, I’m trying to get another, possibly in another country, but I can’t, and I can’t deal with this 2 huge things together. And you… you didn’t finish your degree yet (is due to june this year), I don’t know why you are thinking of this things, I mean I’am 24!” I frase that he says he is 24 years old (I’am too, but he put so much effort an saying he is 24).

When he says this things I was really hurt… I mean is a damn logical explanation, I know he wants to change jobs, and wants me to finish my degree, but who know how much time would be, since he always ALWAYS needs a push to make important decisions.

So then I say: “Well… I know that and I agree but a planning a wedding takes a lot of time, at least a year or so, so I’m not planning to get married tomorrow, I just need some comittment”

And then he repeats himself for the rest of the trip, he even stopped the car to explain to me that he wants to change jobs first, and get married in 2 year maybe or when we are more settled. And the he brings up his engaged friend: “You see X is 28!”

That just pissed me off. (sorry the language). I asked him: “Well since you’re comparing, how long have they been together?” They are together for 2 years of so, and living together for less then 6 months.

I mean, I get that he thinks his too young, but we don’t know anyone that has been together for this long (especially in our age), and I can forget that I waited 1 year for him to come back from netherlands where he was finishing his master. All of his friends (that go with him) had girfriends too! And they came back home single!

So I think this really speaks on how commited I’am. I love him, and I know he loves me too, we have a great relationship together…

But noooo… he see this conversation has an ultimato (men!) and asks if I’m breaking up with him he things don’t move along soon. Of course I told him, no, I don’t leave him, I want him in my life and I will wait for him to come forward, but I think he understood everything wrong. Like I was saying “Or marriage or I’am walking away”. When I was really asking about his timeline.

So I said what was in my mind. He said what was in his. I was hoping to get engaged somewhere along this year, silly me, he didn’t even tought of this… he thinks he’s too young, and despite his knowlegde (his words) that “i’m the one”, he still doesn’t want to propose just yet.

We ended the conversation, and I went to my parents house. (silly thing… despite living together, when we come to town, since we are both from the same city, I stay at my parents house, and him in his, at the weekends, I don’t know why… seams logical to him, I guess).

Sorry for the long post, I just thought maybe the lovelly ladies that helped me yesterday would like to know the next chapter.

 

 

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Post # 3
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Obviously that wasn’t the reaction you were looking for. He didn’t even give you a timeline, let alone act joyful in the least at the prospect of marrying you. You say you are both 24 and you’ve dated for 8 years, so since you were 16. Do you think maybe he’s stayed in the relationship simply because its gone on so long? Like just out of comfort and availability?

My dad worked with a guy like that, but even worse than your situation. They dated since they were 14, and they were both 28 now. 14 years, no engagement in sight. My dad was talking to the guy and he just broke down to my dad: “what have I done, my whole youth is gone, I’ve never dated any other people, I don’t want to leave her but I don’t love her enough to marry her…” It was tough. My dad told me this story because he said to never settle, and never give up your priorities for anyone. The girl was really pressuring him to make a commitment, that’s why he broke down. Marriage was important to her. It was not important to him (at least with her). They broke up this past summer (about a month after this conversation) and both left the state separately.

Is it important to you? How long can you wait?

Post # 4
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@GoldfishPie:  He is not like that, we both are, and I’m sure of it, really happy with wich other, and he told me before he really wants to marry me, and he loves and wants kids with me, and I’m sure he meant it, so I’m not conserve about that. The problem is, that he is VERY logical mind thinking, you see, he has a plan for when we go shopping of the easier, fastest way to get your shopping done. And I notice that sometimes he need a little push to take important decisions. So I speaked to him about my concernes, and his answer was not what I was hopping for, his wants to get rid of this job and get a new one that he likes and then get married. It’s a valid reason, and I agree with him, but still I wanted him to propose, take a step in that direction, and then, when he gets a new job, marry.

 

Post # 5
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@lsimpson:  He’s 24 and clearly not yet ready for marriage. Either relax and give him time to become ready, as he clearly plans to marry you, or leave him and find someone who is ready to get married right now. How long you have been together means nothing in regards to when he will be ready for marriage.

Post # 7
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@drummerbride:  Clearly your world is just black and white.

 

Post # 9
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I agree with drummerbride. There is something wrong if he hasn’t even considered marriage yet. Also, did you let him know that when he talks about kids, its confusing for you and thats what made you think a proposal was on the way?

Post # 10
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@lsimpson:  Life is not black and white, but either someone is ready for marriage: they have a career they feel will make it possible to support a family, they are where they want to be, with whom they want to be, and are just simply emotionally ready. Or they are not ready. 

You cannot force someone to be ready for something, especially when every single excuse he gave you is telling you that he just isn’t ready yet. He thinks he will be ready in 2 years, now either accept that and stop trying to force a proposal out of him, or continue and you may end up left in the dust while he finds someone willing to wait until he feels ready.

Marriage is not a small thing, it’s not a decision to be made lightly, I think you are just so concerned with the status symbol of the ring and party and don’t realize what marriage actually entails.

Why the rush? you live together, so why the rush? What are you expecting a ring a a party to fix or change in your current state together?

Post # 11
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@lealorali:  I agree with drummerbride. I was in similar situation to you – Darling Husband and I were together 9 years when he proposed (we starting dating at 16/17). We loved each and were committed. I was ready for marriage around 23/24, but he needed to get a few things in line first (a better job was one of them) – I think a lot of guys are like that. They want to get their ducks in a row before getting married. We got married at 27.

In this day and age, 24 is young to be getting married (I don’t mean you are too young, just that many people are getting married in late 20s/early 30s). I can see why he feels too young. If you are sure he wants to marry you, why rush it? It’ll go better when you are BOTH ready.

Post # 12
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - rolling hills of southern italy

Wow, stinky. Just to throw this out there, I know “waiting until..” Gets a lot of credit a lot of the time… Like- we wiil wait until we finish school or finish paying off this debt or until we both have a decent career; or we can afford a family… As if readying a finished product for presentation as “husband” and “wife” but… People are never finished, and life is more of a project than a product, a journey that is better when you learn an grow together. A marriage makes you a team: you take on life’s twists and turns together. No matter what. So if you know who you want on your team, why wait for the twists and turns to dissapear? (also, they don’t)

Post # 13
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@drummerbride:  I don’t think you understood my problem. It’s not the ring, or the party or the status that concerns me. I was just venting and looking for some opinions on the matter, and the matter was: “why would he talk about marring me, and have children in a near future (his words, not mine) if he never considered getting married?”

The problem here was not if I would wait for him to be ready or not, I talked to him and he told me his position, and I was only confused because if you’re not ready for marriage, then maybe you don’t speak of it and bring the subject up frequently, right?”

My problem was just that, I will wait for him to  be ready not only because I love him and know he loves as well, but because I want it to be his decision, on his time.

The issue here was not that I can’t wait for him to be ready, simply was confusion on my part since he speaks of it so clearly and when I meantion it, he is all “oh that idea never crossed my mind”.

 

Post # 14
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@drummerbride +1 I agree with what drummerbride is saying, and especially since you pointed out that he is a logial minded person, then it will just take more time.  I guess I do not see the big deal in waiting.  I was opposite, my fiance (bf at the time) wanted to get married right away (we’ve been with each other about 5 years, and none each other for about 8), but I told him I was not ready and did not want to get married yet.  He was upset about it, but realized that if he wanted to stay with me then he just needed to wait for when I was ready.  Last year (we were with each other over 4 years), after working through some crap and really weighing my options, I decided that I was ready.  I let him know that I was willing to take that next step when he was.  Several months later he propsed.  

 

The reason I tell this story is because some people just are not ready to take that BIG step; and knew I loved him, I knew I wanted to be with him always, and I knew I was fully committed BUT I still was not ready to sign that contract to make it legal.  (and btw I am a pretty logical minded person myself, and fiance is more emotion based).

 

I’m happy to be engaged and planning a wedding, but I would’ve been just as happy to never marry and continue living and spending my life with him (marriage was more important to him, which is good by me because once I was more comfortable with the idea I  was able to understand it more).

 

Either way, good luck and just give him time. Yeah some guys don’t get hints, but I think most of the time when a guy feels ready for marriage he will propose and I think the best kind of proposals are the ones you are not expecting.

Post # 15
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

This might be unpopular (and seems to be greatly so here on the bee,) but sometimes love is just not enough.

I’ve dated 4 or 5 people in my life who I was deeply in love with, and who were deeply in love with me. I would have married any of them, but we weren’t on the same page and I wasn’t willing to wait to see if they “came around” because I knew that I would get resentful and, honestly, it wasnt their faults. I couldn’t browbeat them into wanting to marry me, or move in together, or whatever the next step was. It wasn’t because they didn’t love me- I’m positive that they did. We just wanted different things.

When my Fiance and I got together, we both knew pretty much immediately where things were going. We moved in together after 3 months. We were engaged 9 months after that, and will be together under 2 years on our wedding. It’s felt right and thats when I knew.

Wanting different things doesn’t mean that you’ve lost…but staying with someone when you’re not happy does.

 

Post # 16
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@lsimpson:  He’s talking about a future and marriage and children because he already knows that you are the person he wants all those things with, he’s just not yet ready for all those things.

Think about it this way, if he never talked about the future or marriage or kids you would now be wondering how committed he is to you with no proposal pending in the near future.

There are many girls in this world who have yet to actually discuss marriage with their SO’s and are yet still expecting a ring or proposal around every turn. Then get deeply upset when it doesn’t happen.  You have a man that vocalizes his desire and plans to marry you when he is ready for that step.

Also, discussing children, finances, possible marriage, etc. should always occur before the commitment itself happens. You wouldn’t be happy to marry someone and suddenly find out that they not only don’t want children, ever, but their views on finances and the roles of marriage differ greatly from yours and are not views you could ever get on board with.

 

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