Sad sex life

posted 1 month ago in Intimacy
Post # 16
291 posts
Helper bee

Is he flirty in other ways? Does he act attracted to you?

My bf and I have had an up and down sex life but what helps is in the times we are too stressed or busy (we have opposite work schedules some weeks), he is still flirty and physically affectionate.  So I’m always aware the attraction is there even if the time isn’t.  So I’m wondering if he is affectionate towards you and physically available?  To me, that would be the biggest sign things could be improved upon.

Post # 18
2826 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

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br26de :  I agree with the PP. you have gotten some great advice. 

First, I think you need to sit down and decide what you each want and then compromise. You might want multiple times a week and he might be okay with once a month so for example, you can aim for once a week. 

Second, at this point you need to schedule sex. I know it doesn’t sound sexy but neither of you naturally “start” things along organically so by decided a certain day/time you don’t have the pressure of initiating! 

Once you’re used to once a week, go back to the drawing board and see if things have gotten better. Maybe you’ll both feel great but maybe you’ll need to rethink how often, different positions, sex toys, etc that could help you out. 

I think sex is a huge part of any relationship, especially marriage, so it’s better to talk about things and make waves now instead of just accepting things the way they are and then being unhappy. Personally, I would not be okay with once a month so I think you are totally justified. 

Post # 19
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

“..but he  thinks of our relationship as more than just sex.”

Well, isn’t that some lovely gaslighting? I think you have gotten a lot of great advice on how to rekindle your sex life and believe you should definitely give it all a try. That being said, I also think you two may just have a fundamental incompatibility of libidos. You can’t use the beginning of the relationship as the benchmark for sex because that’s a time even low libido people will experience a temporary high libido state. 

Put all the good ideas to use but make sure that your sex life can be sustained to at least your compromised satisfaction for at least 6 months but even better if it’s a year before you marry him. From my own experience, I can tell you that marrying into a dead bedroom is frustrating, esteem crushing, and heart breaking. 

Post # 20
11338 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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br26de :  

Bee, has he seen a doctor about low libido?

Post # 21
1390 posts
Bumble bee

Him saying that your relationship is more than sex is worrying. It’s not like it’s one or the other. Does he actually have a sex drive? Does he masturbate? 

I totally understand stopping initiation due to fear of rejection. I would also go down the scheduling route. It’s not sexy but once You get to the routine you can unschedule it.

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