(Closed) Sad. Unexpectedly so. *long*

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t think she deserved an apology from you.

I’m glad you are seeking counseling to work through this. It sounds like it has been really tough.

Post # 4
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m so sorry that you have gone through that and that it pulls such a shadow over your day.  But it sounds like it was not a healthy relationship and good for you for standing up for yourself, telling her what a true friendship consisted of, and knowing when enough is enough.  That can be such a hard part, but I’m SURE you will come out of this on the other side, stronger, and better off!

Post # 5
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Oh sweetie. That’s a terrible situation. It’s really sad to me that she can’t recognize or acknowledge that she was a bad friend to you and that she hurt you. It was really big of you to apologize for what you said to her, but I think her unresponsiveness hammers home the point that you are really the more mature person here. It’s hard to lose a friend, never mind that inevitable bubble of other friends/family that usually accompanies it. I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. I’m glad though that you’ve gotten a poisonous and hurtful person out of your life, it may be painful now, but you’re much better off surrounding yourself with people who contribute postively to your life!

Post # 8
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Totally not ridiculous!

In some ways, friendship breakups are so much more difficult than romatic ones because there’s no script.  You end it with a Boyfriend or Best Friend and everyone pretty much knows how to help and what to say, but it’s not like that with friends.  It can be really hard, too, to wrap your mind around a friendship breakup because we get attached to the BFF/she’s-like-my-sister mentality.

I understand why you feel badly about the e-mail but I think, ultimately, that letting her know how she had hurt you and why you felt the need to end things was better than simply dropping out of her life. 

Post # 10
Member
2195 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  I had a toxic best friend for nearly a decade before I accepted that she was a terrible thing to have in my life and that we needed to go our separate ways.  I “broke up” with her in an awful way that I regret to this day (it was 6 years ago), but when you’re finally being totally honest with yourself about how harmful and unfulfillable a relationship has been, it’s so easy to get carried away in reaction or not think clearly when interacting with that person.  It happens.

And there is no shame in going to counseling to deal with it.  Counseling is for dealing with any sort tough life situation that you just can’t push through on your own.  I found that, even five years later, when talking to my own therapist, I spent a surprising amount of time talking about this friend, the negative effects she had on my life, and the regret I had about the way our relationship was severed.  But I mean, when someone is your best friend, they’re one of the most important, if not the very most important, relationship in your life.  It’s not surprising that the baggage is heavy and long-lasting when a best friendship goes awry.

Again, so sorry you’re dealing with this.  I have a good idea of how much it sucks.  But like PP’s said, it’s all for the best in the end.  You needed this person out of your life.  About her family–is there any way you could write them a letter, without it becoming accusatory or stirring the pot too much?  Perhaps give the situation some time, and write to them in maybe a year when everything has calmed down?  It’s sad that they did nothing wrong to you and you did nothing wrong to them and yet you’ve still lost that relationship in your life, but if it can’t be mended, then you’ll just have to fill your life with happy new relationships.  It’ll work out for you.  

Post # 11
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i know how you feel, i think. i lost my best friend once, and it still breaks my heart too. it ended in college, long before i even met my husband or got married though. she was really a bad friend to me, but i never saw how one-sided it was until it was over. she was the one who disappeared on me, ending the friendship really suddenly and really for no reason (the last time we spoke was the night before i left for a study abroad semester program–she gave me a huge hug. when i came back after the semester, she didn’t return any of my phone calls or emails or anything. even while my grandmother was dying too. awful). we exchanged emails a couple years after her disappearing, and it just made me so, so angry–she couldn’t see how much she’d hurt me, and really just had the most bullsh*t excuses. it’s been about 5 years since we stopped being friends, and 2 since we emailed, and it still really, really, really bothers me. i know i’m much better off without her since she was never there for me anyway and treated me with so little respect even during our friendship, but it makes me feel so insecure still that she did that to me.

Post # 13
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@mrsmdphd:I know how you feel.  I lost a friend like this once too. Best friends, lived together, she walked all over me and I let her.  I finally realized that this “friend” was not a friend and never would be.  I also feel that I did not handle the situation right, when I broke things off with her, and even after almost 5 years, I still regret how I handled the situation. I still think about her and still miss her sometimes, but I know in my heart the situation was a toxic one. You will get through this!!  XOXO

Post # 14
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I am so sorry this happened to you. Your maid of honor is supposed to be there for you on your big day. Right now I am in the process of trying to decide on my moh, one sounds like your moh. I posted a poll about it, but I don’t know how to attach it. I can totally relate.

You can not control how others act. You apologized for venting, which I think was totally justified. But because I have a friend like that, I know exactly how you feel. I think it is great that you a going to counseling. I know it hurts but I think you will look back at this and realize you made the right decision.

Your fellow bees are here for youSmile 

Post # 15
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@mrsmdphd: i definitely think you did the right thing by telling her why. that’s the part that felt so much worse about my friend “breaking up” with me. i can see now that our friendship should have just fizzled out by then anyway (we’d even had a fight about a year before where i called her out on being an m.i.a. friend to me–i should have just ended it then). realistically i think that what happened was her girlfriend, who had always been hostile to me and jealous of our friendship, gave her an ultimatum or something similar; i definitely think it had to do with the girlfriend…. but if she’d just told me that, i would have been pissed and hurt, but not as haunted.

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