(Closed) Saddest bride-to-be

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You’re welcome to vent here 🙂 However, I highly recommend you see a counselor/therapist.  They’re trained to listen, and to respond in ways that can help you to better understand your own thoughts and feelings. 

Post # 4
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Yes, please make time for YOURSELF to talk to a professional. You have some heavy questions… and I’m so sorry that you feel this way and that you’ve had to deal with a lot of sad/angry feelings alone.

I’m sure you’re aware that it’s been slowly eating away at you and affecting your relations with people around you. I’m worried that if you enter this marriage where you are at now, you will be unhappy. If you want it to work, I think there is still hope but you both have to work for it (not just you). And it’s okay to not want it to work, and to back out as well. 

Post # 5
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Your story sounds familiar to mine, only for me, all of these things — the cheating, the second-guessing — happened after we were already married.  We are still together, but we’re in individual and couples therapy. 

 

I think some of what you’re feeling is just general anxiety and worry about the future.  Marriage is a big step, and it always makes you evaluate things deeper than just a dating relationship.

 

It would defeinitely help to talk about your feelings with a therapist.  At the very least, you will get to vent in person to somebody who is there to listen and give you advice, without you having to reciprocate.  There are some anti-depression meds (like Lexapro) that when taken at their lowest doses, only have an anti-anxiety, rather than than anti-depression, effect.  Personally, I’ve found that taking these meds has helped me to look at things more clearly, without my judgement being clouded by anxiety.

 

Both you and your finace may also benefit from some couples counseling, like pre-marital counseling or something of the sort.  It sounds like you are still harboring some resentment over his behavior from years ago.  It also sounds like you just want reassurance from him that he is truly committed and “all in”.  A counselor may help mediate these difficult conversations.

Post # 6
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Yes, therapy would be wise. But to be honest, you do NOT sound happy at all and ideally, you should be looking forward to getting married. DO NOT go through with the marriage if you have these persistant doubts and just because your parents are spending a fortune on the wedding. Men rarely change for the better unless they want to!

Post # 7
Member
3763 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

It sounds to me like you know exactly what you want and deserve, and that you don’t have it with your Fiance. That’s a perfectly legit reason to end the relationship.z Go get what you deserve! You definitely deserve to be happy.

Post # 8
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

End it. No one should enter marriage without being absolutely certain about the person they are marrying. I had opportunities to marry boyfriends before meeting my fiance but I am SO happy I waited. I’m 35 now and could not be happier that I waited for the person that “fits” with me, my family, what we want in life together. He brings out the best in me. And while there are struggles, I have zero doubts. You should feel the same.

I agree with everyone that you should see a counselor. But I also agree that you already know the answer to this issue…it’s just tough to admit.

 

Post # 9
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I think therapy would be helpful (it was for me when I went through a hard time in high school), but it also sounds like you have already made up your mind by writing this post. Firstly, I don’t think you or anyone should marry someone they are not 100% sure they want to marry. It should be a definite things, not something you settle for. I understand not wanting to throw away all the years with him, but think of all the years you will throw away if you marry this man when you are not happy. I have found that you cannot love someone and be happy with them if you yourslf are not happy. And you do not sound happy. I think that the fact that you have taken the time to post your worries means you are not completely committed. Don’t worry about the wedding being planned already; your parents may be upset, but in the long run it would be best. I honestly think the best thing to do is go talk to someone, a professional, take a “break” from your FH, and if not that definitely put your wedding on hold, until you have time to sort things out and really figure out what YOU want, nobody else. This is YOUR life, you get one chance, don’t throw it away on someone who doesn’t make you happy. Things will not change, I know this from experience, and after 7 years if things haven’t changed, don’t plan on it. I really hope you take everyone’s advice to heart and really think about your life. Nobody deserves to be unhappy in life. I sincerely pray everything works out. It may seem like your life gets worse in the short term, but I promise in the long run it WILL pay off.

Best wishes

Post # 10
Member
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Your post literally brought tears to my eyes because you are so honest. Frankly, you don’t sound happy. If it was right, wouldn’t you be happy about your upcoming marriage? It sounds like you know that this is not the right match for so many reasons, but it is hard to break off an engagement when you care for him and have been together seven years. I think deep down, you know that you atleast need to postpone the wedding, if not break up with him for good. I wish you the best of luck, and please PM me if you ever need to talk.

Post # 11
Member
623 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

What you have to ask yourself is “Are these fears about this man, or are they just my personal fears?”.

Aside from the cheating, most people have a partner who has been raised differently. Most people think their in-laws are slightly crazy! Most people are in a relationship where one person worries and the other is relaxed. Every couple has to compromise about where they will live and who will be responsible for particular areas of life.

You need to talk to him about all these fears. Tell him that you are serious and that you expect him to engage you in conversation. But don’t hit him all with it at once- prioritise these needs and approach it as his partner, not as an attack.

 

Post # 12
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree that you should talk to a professional.  It sounds like you would be unhappy if you went through with the wedding.  Don’t ignore those feelings.  If you don’t want to live in NY, be very honest with him.  It’s not easy to pick up and move and he might not really want to move to the South.  I am from the NE and moved to the SE and while my fiance at the time promised we could look into moving to the NE again, I’m pretty sure it will never happen and it is terribly hard to be away from my family.  I suffer from a lot of guilt and airline tickets are expensive. If you decide not to go through with it, you WILL meet someone else in the future that you are compatible with and you will know you made the right decision.

Post # 13
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

You know you are not happy with him. You might be used to be with him but that’s not enough to start a marriage. In your post, you’ve described the type of person you need (and believe me, that person is out there!) but I don’t think this is they guy -I’m sorry that this is happening to you. I know how hard it is to break with someone after such a long time of being “together”. I don’t think you need therapy, though. You sound like you know exactly what you need and you know it’s not him. Even when you know he is not the right guy, it will be very hard for you to break up with him. Just have confidence in whatever you decide to do and, from here, I send you my support ‘case I’ve been where you are.

Post # 14
Member
40 posts
Newbee

Bless your heart 🙁 If I were you, I would let it go and move on. The years werent a waste, more like a life experience. Life is too short to be unhappy., especially when you could have a REAL MAN who wouldnt even fathom EVER doing that to you. Im sure your Fiance is sorry and it was a mistake but if you arent happy now, marriage would exacerbate the problem and your negative feelings. And be much harder to get out of. Do yourself a favor and dump him and find yourself again then see what happens. You deserve so much more than what this guy can give you. I can tell by your post, you are strong and really know what you want! Achieve your dreams or you may regret it 🙁 Good luck! 

Post # 15
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

What bothers you now will likely bother you even more once you have been married a while. He is not going to change, so please don’t think marriage will cause him to siddenly sit up and become the person you wish he would be. If you don’t love him wholeheartedly, just the way he is, right now, don’t make the mistake of marrying him.

You are very clear and articulate in describing the kind of man, and the kind of relationship, that you want – and it’s not him. Therapy might assist you in accessing your inner strength to step away from this man and the years you have invested in this unhappy relationship. I wish you all the best and am sure that with the kind of clarity you seem to have, that you will connect with the man and the relationship that you deserve.

Post # 16
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Why did he eventually tell you about the cheating?  If he never told you and kept it a secret to the grave, would you be so sad or depressed or unsure?  Since he couldn’t live with the guilt, he dumped it on you to carry.  He sounds so selfish.

I agree with the others that if you want to stay with him, therapy is a must.  But based on what I read, I don’t see anything to salvage.  You don’t seem happy and haven’t been for awhile.  If you don’t want to throw away the last X number of years with him, just add the money and time after you get married. 

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