Post # 1
My husband is a beautiful person with a very troubled past. His brother, I beleive, has abused him since he was a child. His brother is 3 years older, they are both working for the family business, and instead of being friends – his brother is extremely cruel towards my husband. It breaks my heart.
A few weekends ago, we all went on a family vacation to their family home (my husbands fathers). At the lake, my husband tried to connect to his brother by commenting sweetly on how much the family dog loves the brother. The brother looked at my husband with disdain, and mocking his words said “What are you even talking about?”. This was his reply to my husbands sweet question of “Look how much Sheila loves you, she won’t stop following you around!”. Another example of his brother being unneccesarily hostil to my already VERY SHY/ introverted husband was when we went on another family vacation together. My husband said “Hey, let’s take a funny Blues Brothers picture together with our sunnies on!” His brother replied (in front of the entire family), “how about we dont, idiot?” My husband is EXTREMELY sweet, quiet, and it takes a lot for him to speak up for himself. I beleive the reason he is like this is because of his really mean, cruel, brother. I know these things don’t seem like a big deal but it’s this type of behavior that his brother exhibits ALL THE TIME. HE is the type of person who makes waitresses cry, and is extremely rude to cab drivers.
THIS TIME, he messed with me. We were at the family lake house and he was tasked with booking movie tickets for everyone. He was unable to complete this task after 3 hours of trying due to no phone service, so my aid was requested by his father. I booked the movie tickets in 3 minutes. I was like ‘ Hey, don’t worry! my phone has service, and I was able to take care of it!”
He maliciously turned to me in front of about 10 family members and said “What is wrong with you? I told you I was taking care of it”….long pause, because I was taken off-guard and didn’t know how to reply. He then raised his voice and repeated “WHat is actually wrong with you? I told you, i was doing it”. Nobody said anything. My husband was not in the room. His parents are oblivious and simply walked away. I was left feeling stupid and alone.
Now i’m off to have ANOTHER weekend with this family. I simply DESPISE this brother. He is constanlty snapping at everyone, but he the entire family just lets him be a bully. I truly beleive that he has psychologically damaged my INCREDIBLY SWEET husband.
What do you think I can do about this?
Post # 2
I’m so sorry this is happening to you, bee. But you have an AMAZING advantage here because the rest of the family saw this happen to you and, from what I gather, was made very uncomfortable.
Do you have a good relationship with your husband’s parents? They’ve dealt with their son too – they probably AREN’T all that oblivious – they probably just fear him. I would. If you do have a good relationship with them, then I would take them out to dinner or something, privately (with your husband there of course – you need his support), and tell them what’s going on. Tell them you are ceasing contact with your husband’s brother, for your psychological safety. Your husband has been negatively affected, you have been negatively affected, and who knows who else has been affected.
And then, for real, just stop spending time with that brother. Just stop. If he bothers your husband as much as you say he does, your husband will be okay with this. A life free from him! Can you imagine!
And please, please, seek therapy. While your family and his family might have your back, they can’t fix a lifetime of pain for your husband, and a marriage negatively affected by this horrible person for you.
I send you hugs, bee!
Post # 3
megm1099 : exactly this.
I don’t think your bil is “sadistic” but he is a mentally abusive bully with rage issues. I think it’s best to cease contact with him, agree with PP about speaking to the in-laws about this and planning things with them away from the monster.
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall
megm1099 : but he works with his brother in their family business. And avoiding the brother will often mean avoiding the rest of the family… I do think the parents should say something when the brother acts this way in front of them… Like “that’s not how we raised you” or at least they could have said “we asked her to buy the tickets, so calm down”.
I wish I had advice.
Post # 5
istanbee : Professional relationships are easy to separate from personal life. If OP’s husband really has to have THIS particular job and THIS particular place, then he can make it work, working with a shitty coworker who treats him horribly. We’ve all had to do it. It sucks, but nothing anyone can do about it unless he quits his job.
However, that’s no excuse for feeling required to go to family parties and social obligations just to get ripped apart. It’s obviously detrimental to her husband, who already WORKS with this loser.
They gotta step away. And if the husband’s parents speak to them about it prior to OP and her husband ceasing contact, then no one will feel ripped off. In the end, this is for BOTH of their mental safety and well-being.
The best-case scenario is her husband leaving the company and find work somewhere else, but if that’s not possible, then they have to cease contact outside of work. There is no question. Her poor husband sees his lifelong demon WAY too often.
Post # 6
I would strongly urge your husband to look for another job, honestly. If his family hasn’t acknowledged his brother’s horrible behavior in all this time, I doubt very much that they’re going to start. There’s no changing someone like this. You’re better off removing him from your life as much as possible.
Post # 7
Idk. Does your husband see this as a problem or just you?
Post # 8
Definitely stand up for yourself and your husband “what a cruel response” ” Do not speak this way to me” sounds like his family has never put him in check before. Break the silence.
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall
Peachytalk : Best advice 💯
Post # 10
“Sadistic” and “abuse” over these instances? That seems dramatic to me.
When he acts like an ass, tell him.
Post # 11
girlfromtexas1088 : I might have an unpopular opinion here but I am going to say it. Your husband needs to stand up for himself. And if your Brother-In-Law talks that way to you again, you need to look him straight in the eyes and say: “I don’t know who the f-k you’re talking to like that, because it is sure as hell isn’t me”. From my perspective, I don’t think he’s sadistic, I think he is just a jerk that keeps acting like a jerk because nobody is putting him in his place.
Post # 12
sillysarah84 : I agree. While the things he said (or tone used) were mean spirited, I don’t think any of your examples constitute sadistic or abusive behavior. He just sounds like a jerk. I would call him out on it if he said anything directly to me and I would distance myself from spending time in situations that involved him.
Post # 13
girlfromtexas1088 : Why aren’t you able to stand up for yourself when he is acting like a douche canoe ( trademark of random bee!) ? Why are you allowing him to belittle you? You and your husband need to “shine your spine” and I think you need get some books on toxic relatives and boundaries. The bil will continue acting like this since NO ONE CALLS HIM OUT. He has no consequences to his actions.
Post # 14
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
newgirldee : YUP! what she said!
girlfromtexas1088 : Bee, this sucks. And what sucks more is that your in-laws have allowed him to treat people this way by not nipping this in the bud. JHut because they are OK with him treating them like shit doesnt mean you have to be. You & your hubby can talk to your in-laws first and say you’re not willing to be treated like that and ask for their support when you stand up for yourselves and if they are unable to support you, you will not be attending family functions when Brother-In-Law will be. But I most definitely would respond in a way that lets the Brother-In-Law know he absolutely cannot talk to you like that. I honestly would just respond with “excuse me? on what planet is it OK for you to talk to anyone like that? Do NOT speak to me that way”
Post # 15
Sadistic? That would be setting animals on fire, torturing people, etc. He sounds just like a run of the mill asshole. Just stand up to his insults.