Sadistic Brother In Law

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1760 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I’m so sorry this is happening to you, bee. But you have an AMAZING advantage here because the rest of the family saw this happen to you and, from what I gather, was made very uncomfortable. 

Do you have a good relationship with your husband’s parents? They’ve dealt with their son too – they probably AREN’T all that oblivious – they probably just fear him. I would. If you do have a good relationship with them, then I would take them out to dinner or something, privately (with your husband there of course – you need his support), and tell them what’s going on. Tell them you are ceasing contact with your husband’s brother, for your psychological safety. Your husband has been negatively affected, you have been negatively affected, and who knows who else has been affected. 

And then, for real, just stop spending time with that brother. Just stop. If he bothers your husband as much as you say he does, your husband will be okay with this. A life free from him! Can you imagine! 

And please, please, seek therapy. While your family and his family might have your back, they can’t fix a lifetime of pain for your husband, and a marriage negatively affected by this horrible person for you. 

I send you hugs, bee!  

Post # 3
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

megm1099 :  exactly this.

I don’t think your bil is “sadistic” but he is a mentally abusive bully with rage issues. I think it’s best to cease contact with him, agree with PP about speaking to the in-laws about this and planning things with them away from the monster.

Post # 4
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

megm1099 :  but he works with his brother in their family business. And avoiding the brother will often mean avoiding the rest of the family… I do think the parents should say something when the brother acts this way in front of them… Like “that’s not how we raised you” or at least they could have said “we asked her to buy the tickets, so calm down”.

I wish I had advice. 

Post # 5
Member
1760 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

istanbee :  Professional relationships are easy to separate from personal life. If OP’s husband really has to have THIS particular job and THIS particular place, then he can make it work, working with a shitty coworker who treats him horribly. We’ve all had to do it. It sucks, but nothing anyone can do about it unless he quits his job.

However, that’s no excuse for feeling required to go to family parties and social obligations just to get ripped apart. It’s obviously detrimental to her husband, who already WORKS with this loser. 

They gotta step away. And if the husband’s parents speak to them about it prior to OP and her husband ceasing contact, then no one will feel ripped off. In the end, this is for BOTH of their mental safety and well-being. 

The best-case scenario is her husband leaving the company and find work somewhere else, but if that’s not possible, then they have to cease contact outside of work. There is no question. Her poor husband sees his lifelong demon WAY too often.

Post # 6
Member
2912 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

I would strongly urge your husband to look for another job, honestly. If his family hasn’t acknowledged his brother’s horrible behavior in all this time, I doubt very much that they’re going to start. There’s no changing someone like this. You’re better off removing him from your life as much as possible.

Post # 7
Member
2422 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Idk. Does your husband see this as a problem or just you? 

Post # 8
Member
1477 posts
Bumble bee

Definitely stand up for yourself and your husband “what a cruel response” ” Do not speak this way to me” sounds like his family has never put him in check before. Break the silence.

Post # 9
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

Peachytalk :  Best advice 💯

Post # 10
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee

“Sadistic” and “abuse” over these instances? That seems dramatic to me. 

When he acts like an ass, tell him. 

Post # 11
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee

girlfromtexas1088 :  I might have an unpopular opinion here but I am going to say it. Your husband needs to stand up for himself. And if your Brother-In-Law talks that way to you again, you need to look him straight in the eyes and say: “I don’t know who the f-k you’re talking to like that, because it is sure as hell isn’t me”. From my perspective, I don’t think he’s sadistic, I think he is just a jerk that keeps acting like a jerk because nobody is putting him in his place.

Post # 12
Member
419 posts
Helper bee

sillysarah84 :  I agree. While the things he said (or tone used) were mean spirited, I don’t think any of your examples constitute sadistic or abusive behavior. He just sounds like a jerk. I would call him out on it if he said anything directly to me and I would distance myself from spending time in situations that involved him. 

 

Post # 13
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee

girlfromtexas1088 :  Why aren’t you able to stand up for yourself when he is acting like a douche canoe ( trademark of random bee!) ? Why are you allowing him to belittle you? You and your husband need to “shine your spine” and I think you need get some books on toxic relatives and boundaries. The bil will continue acting like this since NO ONE CALLS HIM OUT. He has no consequences to his actions. 

Post # 14
Member
3903 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

newgirldee :  YUP! what she said!

girlfromtexas1088 :  Bee, this sucks. And what sucks more is that your in-laws have allowed him to treat people this way by not nipping this in the bud. JHut because they are OK with him treating them like shit doesnt mean you have to be. You & your hubby can talk to your in-laws first and say you’re not willing to be treated like that and ask for their support when you stand up for yourselves and if they are unable to support you, you will not be attending family functions when Brother-In-Law will be. But I most definitely would respond in a way that lets the Brother-In-Law know he absolutely cannot talk to you like that. I honestly would just respond with “excuse me? on what planet is it OK for you to talk to anyone like that? Do NOT speak to me that way”

Post # 15
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

Sadistic? That would be setting animals on fire, torturing people, etc. He sounds just like a run of the mill asshole. Just stand up to his insults.

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