Sadistic Brother In Law

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
10106 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He’s not sadistic. He’s a dick and he doesn’t respect either of you, be a dick back and I bet the dynamic would change immediately. 

Sometimes people like that need/want to be put in their place. 

Post # 17
Member
571 posts
Busy bee

“don’t talk to me like that” “that was rude” “that wasn’t very nice” 

Post # 18
Member
6652 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Your Brother-In-Law sounds like an ass- yes. He also sounds like he might be a bully or overly aggressive in his communication style. He does NOT sound sadistic. Even a little bit. Don’t use that term anymore; it just makes you look and sound dramatic and overshadows the valid point you are attempting to make, which is that your Brother-In-Law is an aggressive jerk and no one in his family challenges him about this, so the behavior doesn’t change.

Interestingly- I notice that even YOU didn’t check him or call him out for being disrespectful to you? What happened there?

Post # 19
Member
565 posts
Busy bee

When he is being a complete ass tell him. Do NOT speak to me that way i do not appreciate your tone of voice.

I would cease contact w/ this brother in law as much as possible bc he sounds like a freaking dick.

Post # 20
Member
37 posts
Newbee

He sounds like a massive jerk. That’s a tough situation. I don’t really have anything constructive to add but i wish people would cut her some slack on the literal meaning of “sadistic”, he’s not literally sadistic….we get what she means……calm down people

Post # 21
Member
1503 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

“what is wrong with you?”

‘nothing, what seems to be the problem?’

‘I told you I would take care of it!’ *yelling*

‘WOW. way to act like a 5 year old, are you seriously getting your pants in a not over movie tickets?’

_ guaranteed to either 1) piss him off more, at which point, you act cool calm and collected, DO NOT get angry back and let him have his hissy fit 2) stops _ 3) YOU walk away. Parents: why are you leaving (enabling the behavior)? “I will not tolerate being treated like this, we are leaving’. 

You need to stand up to this a**hole. 

“why do you talk to husband like that? Do you want us to leave because we can make that happen right now’. 

Key is to have ‘escape plan’ marked out with husand. ‘If brother acts like A, we do B or C’. 

I wouldn’t have face time with parents. It’s likely they are WELL AWARE of this behavior and are ENABLING it. Face timing them will just make them uncomfortable and make you look like the ‘bad guys’ for calling them out on it and will make them feel like ‘bad parents’/you are attacking them no matter how nice you say it nobody wants to hear that they did a bad job with their kid. 

The fact that they left you stranded in front of other family members when he verbally attacked you is a clear indicator of them enbabling him. 

The behavior has probably always occurred and nobody has had the balls to step up to him. 

So, step up. 

Post # 22
Member
1851 posts
Buzzing bee

This brother is who he is. Talking to his parents won’t do anything if you are trying to get their support on the matter. Best you can hope for is letting his parents know that if the verbal abuse raises to a level you and your husband aren’t comfortable with, than you reserve the right to leave whatever event you are at because of it. Just give his parents a heads up that you two have these boundaries. 

Then when his brother speaks rudely to you, SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF! Being quiet isn’t working clearly. Most likely everyone always let him get away with it so he continues. 

He says something rude to you, just say, ” Absolutely not. I will not tolerate being spoken to that way. We are adults, if you wanna go have an attitude go do it by yourself in your room” Just keep calling out his behavior, loudly, calmly and maturely. He continues to talk to you like that, you remove yourself from the situation aka you get up and leave. Leave the room, party, weekend away. just leave. 

I also suggest if after speaking up for yourself he doesn’t stop than you and your husband make clear to his parents that you two will be pulling away from some family events. Send your own invites to his parents for the holidays for a dinner or what have you where you get to spend time with his parents but his brother cannot attend and will not get an invite. Carve out your own time with his parents away from his brother. 

Sit down with your husband and create a list of your boundaries. Google, how to set boundaries with people. THere are plenty of articles out there on how to do it. Good luck. 

Post # 23
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

newgirldee :  girl yes… lol i was going to say after he repeated the rude question, clearly expecting a response from OP… I would have looked around the room, confused, looked back at him, & calmly said “…f * * * you.” Then walked out.

Your response is better though lol. 

Post # 24
Member
2728 posts
Sugar bee

You and your husband both need to stand up for yourselves. He’s obviously intimidated everyone in his family and is getting away with it because no one says anything.

His ‘questions’ are designed to shut you up, but instead of letting him do that just answer them. Don’t even justify his childish behaviour by getting angry straight away. Start out calmly and rationally so that it’s clear that he’s the one overreacting. If he persists, tell him he can’t speak to you that way and leave the room. 

Example 1:
Him – “What is wrong with you, i told you I was taking care of it?”
You – “I was asked to help out and I did. Doesn’t really make a difference who bought the tickets, does it? Let’s just enjoy the movie”

Example 2:
him: “How about we don’t, idiot”
Your husband: “whoa! No need to be a jerk about it dude we don’t have to take a picture, lol” 

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