Post # 47
I will be a Stay-At-Home Mom for a bit as well in a few mths. In fact, right now I am a Stay-At-Home Wife against my will. (I lost my job short while ago.) Anyway, the other day I went on a cleaning binge. I vaccumed SO MUCH, I shorted out the house! Lol! So the ‘spic n’ span’ thing is out of the question. Hahaha!
I think your Darling Husband is being unrealistic if he expects a primp and proper house everyday. A new baby is going to be a LOTTTTTT of work. I can’t remember my parents’ house being all nice n’ clean all the time. FAR from it. My mum was not Stay-At-Home Mom but my grandparents did live with us and still.
It’s an unrealistic expectation to have from anyone. He is not perfect, how can you be? That too with a baby attached to your hip all day!
Post # 48
Thank you everyone who responded I did read every single one!! So many things to think about! I am going to write down a big old list of my concerns/lots of your suggestions and situations and ask him to reevaluate his expectations. I now know that he is indeed being delusional and I need to stick up for myself. We share duties fairly now and he is super helpful which just makes me crazy that he is thinking it is going to be such a 180 switch when I am home.
I am also going to make him look at his schedule and understand that when he works 8-5 the evening is not a free for all. He will not come home and do whatever he pleases if I need assistance. When he works until midnight obviously I will be on full duty all day/night.
I won’t be able to discuss this until fri or sat when we both have the day off. I don’t want to dump this on him after he works all day. I did find a datl (day in the life) blog that I think I might show him. I truly don’t think he knows how many times a newborn eats or needs changed in one day.
Post # 49
@princessbelle: Ooooo my gosh, your husband is very very wrong about this one!! Life with a newborn is insane and you will be lucky to take a shower, get dressed and feed yourself most days, let alone do any housework. A newborn takes pretty much all day to look after and you will be exhausted and recovering too. Please set your husband straight!! You need A LOT of help and support from him. My husband had to cook, shop, do laundry and bring me drinks and snacks for the first few months.
Post # 50
If your husband wants to know what a Stay-At-Home Mom mom does all day, let him try it for a week, and see how much laundry, cooking and shopping he gets done, hahaha!!
Seriously, the first few weeks after having our baby my husband came home to find me breastfeeding, baby attached to me, me in PJs, and the house a mess.
Post # 51
I’m a Stay-At-Home Mom and baby is 4 weeks. Right now it’s hard for me to do a lot, she needs constant attention. I do as much as I can during the day but sometimes I just need help at night. As she gets older and out of her fussy phases I should be able to get a lot more done. But Darling Husband is always willing to help out if I need it.
Post # 52
@princessbelle: I might have a little bit of a different perspective but I am currently a Stay-At-Home Wife (will be Stay-At-Home Mom starting next week) & even I’m not “expected” to be responsible fro 100% of the household. Since getting pregnnat we’ve hired housekeepers who come every 2 weeks and handle dusting, counters, windows, floors and bathrooms. I probably do the dishes 75% of the time and the laundry 80% of the time but if I don’t do it during the week day Darling Husband has no problem starting the laundry on the weekends. He’ll happily stop by the store anytime I ask and can/will even cook meals if we plan it in advance. “Hey Darling Husband wanna BBQ a tritip sometime this week? Oh you do, great what night works for you so I can plan accordingly.” I make dinner 3-4 nights a week, we usually eat out once and have left overs the other nights- We just found out yesterday that I’m being induced on Tuesday (3 weeks early) and baby is expected to be on the small side so we went to the store and bought premie clothes. Darling Husband unpackaged them all and washed them up last night after running me a bath, all w/out me asking. He’s also taking 5 weeks of leave to be home with me & baby after she arrives. In my opinion, I think its important that your Darling Husband adjust his expectations because its not all your responsibility.
Post # 53
If this were my Darling Husband, I’d have one of two reactions. If I was in a good mood, I’d probably tell Darling Husband he was dreaming. If I was irritated – or he was adament about his expectation – I’d ask him why I would have to work 24/7 (168 hours/week) and he only has to work 40-50 hours/week.
Post # 54
@princessbelle: my mom was a Stay-At-Home Mom until my brother and i were in middle school. we are 2 and half years apart. my dad also traveled for work and was only home on weekends. so i know that it is possible for a mother to do everything by herself.
Post # 55
I think that view of duties would be more appropriate if you were a permanent Stay-At-Home Mom. Certainly not while your baby needs constant attention and you can’t function due to lack of sleep.
Post # 56
When I grew up, my mom did everything around the house and my dad never helped really undervalued her work because it was inside the home. This general attitude compounded with other issues eventually led to their divorce.
I recently found out I’m having a baby girl, and I’ve been thinking a lot about how I want to raise her. I love the fact that my husband will do laundry and dishes, will cut veggies for me while I’m cooking, and helps me clean up occationally on the weekends. I still do more and probably always will, but I think it is so important that my future Dear Daughter sees her dad doing stuff around the house and looks for similar qualities in her future partner (I guess I could say the same if I was having a boy, that I would not want to be that mom who spoiled their child to the point they later had a hard time adjusting to a wife who wanted to work outside the home or share responsibilities occationally). I think my husband appreciates what I do more because doing it now and then himself makes him realize the work it takes to have a nice home.
Post # 57
Sooo I finally dropped the bomb on Darling Husband. We were in the car too, no escaping! He mentioned something about how he had to do his laundry when we got home so I took that as the perfect in. I basically just re-asked him what his expectations were and that I thought he was being a bit delusional. I told him I am not a slave now and I will not be a slave when I am home. I said why do you get to come home from work and do nothing while I work 24/7. I also asked him what he planned to do on his days off and when would my days off be.
He said he expects:
the house to be moderately clean without shit all over (check)
the laundry done, ( I said it will be done when I get to it, my priorities will be the baby’s clothes/diapers and your work clothes, nothing else)
the cooking done (check)
He went on to say that when he comes home he absolutely wants to be involved with the baby, that he will play with him/her. (The wording he used makes me a little nervous so I will revisit that at a later date.) I asked him what about your days off. What if I want to go nap for 3 hours or go do whatever I feel like doing and he said that’s fine I guess. He did say he would do the dishes (I don’t do them now so I knew that wasn’t changing) and take the garbage cans to the curb.
I am a little worried still that he won’t think it is his responsiblity to throw in a load of laundry if he has time or help me cook but only time will tell I guess. If he is willing to actually care for baby not just “play” then I will have time to do those extra things. Overall I feel it went pretty well compared to our first conversation. Thanks so much for everyone who commented your input helped me a lot!!
Post # 58
- Wedding: March 2014 - Narrawallee reserve/beach & Mollymook golf club
I do most things but as Darling Husband hates my cooking he takes care of that. If I’m having a particularly rough day with Bub he will also help with the other household chores. I REALLY love Sunday mornings when I’ve had a hard night feeding and he will get up to re-settle our LO or play at around 7am and let me sleep.
Post # 59
I am not a mum, but I have been a stay at home gf for my SO, and right now I work full time.
When I was a stay at home gf (I couldn’t find a job for a good 4 months) I’d wake up early, do all my job searches, then clean the house, cook and meet my Fiance at the door with a beer and a kiss when he arrived home. I have strong time management skills so I could easily get everything done in 4 hours a day, and that was everything being perfect. Obviously it’s harder if you have kids involved, but I had 4 other housemates at the time in a 3 bedroom 1 bathroom house and they were all grotts, so I think they are almost as bad as children.
Now we both work the same hours, Mon-Fri leave home at 5.30 and back home around 4, we both have our assigned tasks. We take it in turns to cook, I do all the washing and make his lunches, he does the gardening on the weekend feeds the dog each night and puts the bins out, we both do general putting away, basically work as a team. I made it clear to him that if I am working the same hours as him, we put in the same amount of time to maintain the house, which he has always been fine with and great about.
We hope that when we have children we will be in a financial position where I can stay at home for a couple of hours or only work 1-2 days and if that were to be the case, I would go back to doing all house duties while he is at work. IMO, I don’t think maintaining a house is very difficult at all and if you only work part time or less, it’s not too difficult to get everything done if you keep on top of it.
Post # 60
@princessbelle: I think that sounds like positive progress!!
I’ll be a temporary Stay-At-Home Mom in five months when I take a year off for mat leave. We haven’t spelled everything out, but generally I expect he’ll keep doing most of his current jobs (taking out the garbage, gardening, doing the dishes when I cook). We have discussed that the fact he’s a night owl will help immensely so he can do some feedings while I sleep (planning to pump so he can do this). We’ve also said that once the baby is old enough for me to be away for a couple hours, I can take off on a Saturday morning for some “me time”.
He’ll also be taking three weeks off once the baby is here – and for that time, we’ve agreed my only job is breastfeeding and he’ll do everything else. My friend’s midwife suggested that approach to her, and she said it actually worked and was a fair distribution of tasks for the first couple weeks.
I don’t agree with those that said the father should be getting up for some of the feeds. He needs to be alert and not tired for his job. I can survive being a little sleepy! Not to mention I may have the luxury of taking a nap now and again, which he won’t. So once he’s gone to sleep (usually around 12-1), it’s up to me the rest of the night and I’m okay with that plan!
Post # 61
Our Dear Daughter isn’t until August, however I am planning on being a Stay-At-Home Mom. While I do plan on picking up the slack on things like laundry, taking care of the baby in the middle of the night, and being WAY better at having dinner ready each day – I think I’m very selfish because right now we have a cleaning lady who comes every other week. She is amazing, and I’m hoping when I am a Stay-At-Home Mom we can afford to keep her. At least when our baby is really young.